The Coaching Search: A Parody
Arguably the most tradition-rich program in the nation, Michigan should leave no slippery rock unturned in its return to prosperity. It is for this reason that I choose to examine some of the lesser-known candidates. In addition, most people on this board are currently barking mad and could use a step back from the Heath Ledger. Without further ado, a list of unworthy candidates!
Charlie Weis
Experience: Offensive Coordinator Jets/Patriots, Notre Dame Head Coach, Your local buffet.
Pros: Weis would put Michigan on the map. Literally.
Cons: University is not big enough for both him and Barwis, but mostly him.
Interest: Rumors claim that his dream job is to consume a collegiate offensive line.
Little known fact: Once sued doctors who performed a gastric bypass on him and lost.
Outlook: Probably the best candidate on this list. Wow.
John L. Smith
Experience: Head Coach of Idaho, Utah State, Louisville, and Michigan State.
Pros: His special teams unit at Arkansas came close to icing a game against Ohio State.
Cons: Known for giving away games against Ohio State.
Interest: Telling people to "snap out of it"
Little Known Fact: Climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and ran with the bulls.
Outlook: Would likely continue current status of the program. Seasons would begin on high notes and end with suicide notes. Hopefully that would represent a decline, but I don't know anymore.
Joe Paterno
Experience: Attained "tenure" as Head Coach of Penn State
Pros: Big name, iconic coach who has a proven track record of occasional success.
Cons: The shock of receiving the offer and the ferocity of the response will definitely kill him.
Interest: Calling recruits to inform them that he is still alive.
Little Known Fact: Died three years ago.
Outlook: Poor. Paterno is likely to have trouble noticing that Denard Robinson exists, considering the speed of his movement. On a positive note, he would (in this hypothetical situation) deny his request for transfer.
Kirk Herbstreit
Experience: Midwest connections, Predicting Les Miles to Michigan
Pros: Would finally have inside information on Michigan's next coach
Cons: Would probably still announce Miles to Michigan
Interest: Ohio State, eating Musburgers, secret Les Miles infatuation.
Little Known Fact: Aspires to have the hair of GERG
Outlook: Destined to become the Lou Holtz circa ESPN of Michigan. Will predict Michigan to win twenty national titles in sixteen years, or some shit.
Speaking of...
Greg Robinson
Experience: Great hair and hides a gut like a true professional.
Pros: A Michigan man of the coaching pedigree of Rodriguez
Cons: Likely costed Rodriguez a job and fueled the fire of this coaching change chaos
Interest: Collecting tears of distraught Michigan fans
Outlook: Robinson just can't be as bad as he was at Michigan. Was it the result of being underpaid? Was it the schematic conflict with Rich? He sure does look good though. Should make silver fox cubs with Anderson Cooper.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:32 AM ^
What about Pam Ward?
January 10th, 2011 at 12:36 AM ^
I thought I could handle anything after the last few days, but the sheer thought of Pam Ward roaming the UM sideline just blew my brains all over the wall behind me.
January 10th, 2011 at 1:10 AM ^
She's more of a man than most men I know. But is she is a Michigan Man?
January 10th, 2011 at 10:59 AM ^
What would be worse: Pam Ward or GERG as the 2011 defensive coordinator?
January 10th, 2011 at 12:34 AM ^
Bring Bill Lynch (and his gum) back.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:45 AM ^
Bill Lynch's gum was thrown through to the Earth's core right under the away sideline at the Big House...never to return. So I'm afraid that's not an option...
January 10th, 2011 at 12:53 AM ^
In that case there is no need for Lynch alone. Glen Mason is now my choice.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:41 AM ^
Come on man lets talk this over. Step away from the gun kitty, step away from the gun.
January 10th, 2011 at 5:39 AM ^
Even a tweet that Millen threw in two cents about the Michigan job would make me weep uncontrollably. I am not kidding here....
January 10th, 2011 at 12:35 AM ^
There are simply too many good choices.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:39 AM ^
Or Boulder?
January 10th, 2011 at 12:45 AM ^
Thanks to that image I may never sleep again!
January 10th, 2011 at 12:46 AM ^
The Rock of Gibraltar.
January 10th, 2011 at 1:08 AM ^
I prefer The Rock of My Pants.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:41 AM ^
January 10th, 2011 at 1:03 AM ^
I'm not sure...it looks more like powder from the donuts the team was eating during their Lambchops sing-along film session of fun they did instead of watching game film. Or cocaine.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:51 AM ^
This guy is friends with Bowden and Holtz. So, he must be good, right?
January 10th, 2011 at 1:08 AM ^
ehll oh. my name eez peh ghee?
January 10th, 2011 at 1:24 AM ^
Don't think I can't find you son.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:55 AM ^
Charlie Weis is probably a stronger candidate for this job than Brady Hoke. LULZ.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:58 AM ^
Well, he is a larger candidate.
January 10th, 2011 at 1:07 AM ^
If GERG is named the HC my head WILL asplode GUARANTEED.
January 10th, 2011 at 1:07 AM ^
No Mike DeBord?
Also: needs more mascot tweeting.
January 10th, 2011 at 1:18 AM ^
Don't tease me like this. Hayden, Luther, and Dobber were our HC, OC, and DC respectively, I would never buy another UM jersey again. I would do my best to replicate a Dobber uniform. Bowl cut and UM sweater with jorts at all times.
January 10th, 2011 at 3:30 AM ^
If Dave Brandon is going to baffle the opposition with his decision, I think he should go with Madden. Hook the telestrator up to the big screen.