Independence Denard: The Dark Before The Dawn
Obviously two things:
- Depending on whether or not BHGP likes it, this is either an homage to or straight ripoff of their posts in this vein, down to J Leman's presence. I have tried to make this up to them in the content. Also, the J Leman picture was first brought to the world in those Big Ten team previews I used to do.
- I can't confirm that this is true, if you know what I mean.
INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—MEETING ROOM. 1992
A conference table is surrounded by hooded figures. One throws back the hood, revealing himself to be STEPHEN ROSS, super rich guy. Also seated are JAMES EARL JONES, sith lord, and DOOMED J. SCIENTIST, a scientist.
I hereby bring this meeting of the Evil Michigan World Domination Illuminati to order. First order of business: the Desmond Howard cloning situation.
There have been some… issues. We have successfully dealt with the flippers, but it came at a cost.
You have failed me for the last time, Doomed Scientist.
Always with the force choke, James. Can we get past the bit where you tell him his lack of faith is… disturbing and get on with it.
I still don't see why we can't build a football stadium in the wave field and get Tom Harmon back.
Yes, always with the force choke and the building it and the coming. Moving on. Doomed scientist?
We have now perfectly replicated Desmond Howard's lower body. There are some problems with the torso. As you can see on my powerpoint--
Yes, for the last time. Spit it out, Doomed Scientist.
The main problem with the torso is that there isn't one. It just kind of… stops.
Yes, yes, disturbing. For the record, I do too. You have created a mindless abomination that can accelerate to full speed in half a second, stop on a dime, and juke like there's no tomorrow. Shoot it in he head.
Then have Jones mystically force choke it to death. Next order of business: the destruction of Notre Dame football.
I am positioning Texas A&M defensive coordinator Bob Davie to be the droid Lou Holtz is looking for.
INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1992.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to end like this.
You're just a torso! Don't look at me like that.
I can't do this. We must escape!
Let's go, Desmond Howard lower body. I have plans for you.
INT. CLANDESTINE URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Another meeting room. BOB ZOOK, Ron Zook's evil but lazy twin, and a DUCK discuss dark matters.
Mwahahaha! Seven years of mustache twirling and pot smoking are about to pay off tonight!
You had better hope this plot works better than your last dozen, Zook. My patience runs thin. My pit of ravenous piranhas grows hungry. We must repay our arch-rivals for the generations who have endured nothing but humiliation!
Oh, it will. Hark: here comes the strike team now.
I have done as you asked, distasteful as it is.
No doubt something like "you'll never get away with this, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois." But I will. Mwa. Mwa haahahahaahaa!
Oh, let's listen. I love it when doomed heroes blather on.
You'll never get away with this, Cooper!
You know, your most hated rival!
All right, then. You'll never get away with this, Davie!
No, your really really most hated serious very serious rival. Who you share a debilitating mutual hatred of! Not Notre Dame!
You'll never get away with this, Saban?
Alvarez? No… wait, I've got it. Mason! You'll take the Little Brown Jug from my cold, dead hands!
[Tom Brady tries to remember all of the teams in the Big Ten. Meanwhile, GHOSTLY APPARITIONS of James Earl Jones and LAWRENCE KASDAN materialize nearby…]
Noooooooooooooo! You're not my father!
Search your heart. You know it to be true.
Free Tom Brady. This is un-American. Victories are born on the field, not in genetics labs.
You speak truth. [Ninja CHOP!]
…I'm sorry, I'll get it in a second. You'll never get away with this, whoever Northwestern's coach is!
If I didn't need you for my diabolical plots I would impale you on my bill.
Also I appear to be free. [Impressive KICK!]
[flies towards complicated, ominous looking technological thing with glass tubing containing a familiar set of disembodied legs]
No! Release the defensive ends!
My one weakness! Lo, I am stripped of my merry band of protectors! Wait, aren't you 11?
The least realistic part of this is not my age but the idea Bob Zook and a duck could capture me. Allow me to take my rage out on you. [Devastating SACK!]
[flies towards same ominous technological thing]
BZZZTERERFFFFFZZZZEDDDD CLONE SEQUENCE ERROR. MULTIPLE ORGANISMS. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. MULTIDIMENSIONAL ARRAY. EIGENVECTOR. COMBINATION IN PROGRESS. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DESMOND HOWARD'S DISEMBODIED LEGS? WILL BOB ZOOK FACE HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL TOM BRADY'S BEAUTIFUL FACE BE MANGLED? WILL BLACK HEART GOLD PANTS ORGANIZE A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON MGOBLOG? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2: THE INTEGRATION AND INFILTRATION. TOMORROW!
September 7th, 2010 at 11:56 AM ^
that this is exactly how it happened.
Now it is confirmed.
Very telling....
September 7th, 2010 at 11:57 AM ^
I'm on the edge of my seat!
That was hilarious. Also, I couldn't not read the all cap text at the bottom in the announcer voice the Colbert Report uses for the Tek Jansen segments. (Do they still do those?)
September 7th, 2010 at 12:00 PM ^
I'm gonna go out on a ledge and guess that Desmond's legs and Brady's arms are fused, but the creation gets stuck in a tanning bed until its melanin counts are pushed through the roof, while leaving a perfect smile intact.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:21 PM ^
One wonders where the duck comes into the equation.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:25 PM ^
I'm pretty sure this is all going to become Juice Williams. Runs fast, kind of a QB, throws ducks.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:02 PM ^
I remember at the end of the Orange Bowl in the '99 highlight video, an out of breath (from, you know, dominating) David Terrell proclaimed that "Tom Brady has the heart of a lion!" I can only hope that Denard gained his superpowers- lionheart pride, iced veins, and the hypnotic leadership ray.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:01 PM ^
OH YES
yes.
>still speechless from Saturday
September 7th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
When is the next episode!!!!!! I need to know what happens next!!!
Although I forsee a great disturbance in the force on saturday. It is almost as 80k voices cried out at once and was immediately silenced.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:58 PM ^
That's not Touchdown Jesus....
...it's flash dilithium.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:02 PM ^
i remember when i smoked weed
September 7th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
you didn't smoke enough.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:04 PM ^
What happens to the duck?
September 7th, 2010 at 12:05 PM ^
Yeah.........what he just said.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:06 PM ^
save this tripe for the off season plz.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:09 PM ^
your lack of faith is disturbing.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
I hate cliffhangers!
Which reminds me. Sylvester Stallone needs to be included somehow, too.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
+KABOOOMM!!!!!+
Classic.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:16 PM ^
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:22 PM ^
You weren't to reveal the dark doings until Nebraska was actually in our divisional clutches! All we have from them is a damned RSVP! This is a piece of paper! This is worthless!
I'm calling John Cooper this instant and telling him Plan C must be revised. Foolish, impatient Michigan!
September 7th, 2010 at 12:27 PM ^
not sure what I just read, but it took 7 minutes out of my work day, so it's wasn't bad!!
September 7th, 2010 at 12:30 PM ^
AFLAC!
September 7th, 2010 at 12:32 PM ^
Normally I'd say I was shocked to find an evil duck running a major college football program. But if it was going to be any program, it was going to be the Illini.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:34 PM ^
I didn't expect you to be this drunk during the week....
Besides, how do you tell evil Zook from regular Zook? Lazy? I don't think so. Must just be the goatee.
And I'm sure everyone heard Gilbert Gottfried when the duck was talking...
And it's obviously fiction. No one could capture Tom Brady.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:47 PM ^
Brian is taking a creative writing class, and had nothing on the day of this assignment and was forced to get silly creative rather than take the zero. Been there.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:34 PM ^
What has The Denarding done to our fearless leader?
I like it. A lot.
September 7th, 2010 at 12:47 PM ^
kitty!
September 7th, 2010 at 12:46 PM ^
This is all some ridiculously long lead-up to some scenario where you get to be the Emperor and twiddle your fingers in front of the 1st quarter of the UConn Denardening while saying "everything that has transpired has done so according to my design," isn't it?
I'm onto you, Cook!
Just get the quotes right this time, kay?
September 7th, 2010 at 12:58 PM ^
multiple organisms. Hopefully cheerleaders were involved!
September 7th, 2010 at 1:03 PM ^
If you needed someone to play Ron Zook's evil twin, you could've at least given me a call.
I think I finally know how Ron English must have felt.
September 7th, 2010 at 1:12 PM ^
I dunno...it really wasn't very funny. Not MgoBlog worthy, imho. And, the length destroyed the front page of the blog.
September 7th, 2010 at 1:13 PM ^
Conclusion: Brian's head asplode because of the Denard Game. This was way out there.
September 7th, 2010 at 1:41 PM ^
he's spending time preparing this thing instead of the UFR. priorities, man. priorities.
September 7th, 2010 at 1:19 PM ^
I like happy gleeful Brian better then sad depressed Brian.
September 7th, 2010 at 2:02 PM ^
DR OKUN
September 7th, 2010 at 2:05 PM ^
Boom. Denarded.
September 7th, 2010 at 2:09 PM ^
Agree with the sentiments of liking happy Brian. Would like to see the whole story in one post.
September 7th, 2010 at 2:18 PM ^
We're cool. We're cool.
September 7th, 2010 at 2:29 PM ^
I couldn't understand any of it.
Next time just nuke your computer!!
Sheesh!!! WTF was that?
September 7th, 2010 at 3:21 PM ^
. . . it's kind of like when you listen to the Jim Rome show for the first time; the in-joke density is so high you don't even understand what's being discussed, let alone find it funny. I'll chalk it up to it being a me problem.
Peace
Ty
September 7th, 2010 at 4:25 PM ^
So people who don't feel like coping with it can more easily move on to earlier stuff.
September 7th, 2010 at 4:40 PM ^
This made perfect sense to me. I know exactly where you're coming from. In fact I was just there myself on Friday evening.
Let the Hyde out, B. Let him out. Let him squint at the brightness of the sun. Let him stretch his back after being confined for so long. Let him bronze his flesh in the suculent warmth. Do not fear him, he is our strength. Let him out.
[Mwa. Mwahaha. Mwahahahahahahahahaha....]
MCalibur absconds with a crazed look in his eye.
September 7th, 2010 at 4:41 PM ^
Just Awful...Please do not ever do this again. I love this blog but tha just took it to a new low. I am going to forget this happened...I hope.
September 7th, 2010 at 8:20 PM ^
....that was....new
September 7th, 2010 at 9:03 PM ^
I liked parts of it, but shame on you for using Adrian Clayborn instead of our own Brandon Graham. We all know that Clayborn wears Brandon Graham jammies.
September 7th, 2010 at 9:06 PM ^
"Brian, I should have expected to find you holding James leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."
September 8th, 2010 at 7:30 AM ^
That was pure comedy gold to me. Its nice not having to read about doom and gloom all the time.
I about fell out of my chair at Tom not recognizing Illinois as a "rival".
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