Self-Imposed Penalties Michigan Should Consider

1. Hire a savant, as the compliance officer, that has memorized the NCAA rulebook and uncontrollably freaks when any section is closed to being breached: “OH-OH! Section 2.4.32 of Bylaw 11 CLEARLY STATES that … NO NO NO NO WAPNER! WAPNER!” (hitting head repeatedly) 2. Reduce the square footage of press conference room so only half of the reporters are allowed: “Sorry Mr. Rosenberg, the fire marshal has limited this room to 12 people. Better luck next time.” 3. Reduce game attendance and end the stadium sell out record by eliminating visiting school section and filling the seats with Bo Schembechler and Lloyd Carr cardboard figures. 4. Eliminate cushy toilet paper in stadium stalls and replace with the Detroit Free Press. 5. Instead of extra practice time that gave Michigan the competitive advantage, replace some practice workouts with random ski mask attacks on the student body. 6. Spot all opponents one touchdown by allowing one tight end pass in the flat to go 80 yards untouched. (Ooops! sorry-we already do that) 7. Force Coach Rich Rodriguez into gab-addiction rehab, where he will learn the Carr stone-faced silent treatment and the Bo scowl. 8. Force the quality control staff and graduate assistant staff to attend the remaining basketball team games.