Incredibly OT - My roommate is hilariously trashed right now
Okay, this isn't really board-worthy, but I feel like it could be a funny board topic. So my roommate took the N-Clex this morning (exam to be a certified RN) and apparently decided to blow off about 5 persons' worth of steam afterward.
So anyways, I get home from work at 6 and he is absolutely fall-down drunk, I mean the guy can barely stand up. He spent 10 minutes going on a rant about how he was Indiana Jones and that he was going to kill the UPS guy outside our apartment with his "Indiana Jones" powers. After saying this he promptly fell over, then yelled something totally incoherent.
Currently he is punching and swearing at his recliner because it "tried to beat me." Earlier he stumbled into the fridge and asked if it wanted to fight. I wish I had this on video, it's priceless.
So, anyone have funny stories of their roommate(s)/friends hilariously wasted and being total asses?
Oh wait, he's trying to fight his chair again. "It picked a fight with me!"
October 29th, 2009 at 6:42 PM ^
THIS ONE TIME MY BROSEPH FUCKED A PLASTER CAST OF NEWT GINGRICH'S FEET
THEN THE TECHNOVIKING ATE HIM
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH
October 29th, 2009 at 6:45 PM ^
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
October 29th, 2009 at 6:52 PM ^
MUSCLE MILK
October 29th, 2009 at 6:45 PM ^
first weekend of move in week, my roommate goes out and gets plastered. my other roommate woke up and found him standing on his chair and just didnt think much about it and rolled back on over and went back to bed. the next morning my roommate sits at his desk and sees water all over his chair, desk, and floor. Turns out he pissed all over the guys stuff. it was a great first impression
October 29th, 2009 at 6:49 PM ^
One of my buddies was visiting and he came in to get us at 3 in the morning to look outside. He stole one of those bobcat's at a construction site, drove it to our house, and parked in the front yard. AWESOME.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:12 PM ^
We had a multi-keg party back in my Ann Arbor days where someone stole a full-size bulldozer, drove it to our party, and was parking it on the street in front of our house.. except that we lived on E. Ann about block away from the police station and they were immediately arrested.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:53 PM ^
My sophomore year at U of M, my roommate was walking home from a party during the winter when it was cold as hell late at night. He was hammered. Very much so. At the corner of Hill and Church, he sees a Pizza House delivery guy in his Pizza House car go into one of the sororities there. My roommate proceeds to jump in the car and take off, driving it to Vaughn and Greenwood (like 5 blocks or so). Parks the car on the street, leaves the keys in it, gets out, goes to bed, wakes up the next day and it's gone. He was terrified for a week that he was going to get caught because he's a pretty straight-laced kid and was just REALLY hammered. Let's see...DUI, Grand Theft Auto (or maybe just a joyriding charge), Reckless Driving? Probably could've been charged with a lot of things. . . good thing he didn't get caught. THAT would've been a tough conversation to have with Mom and Dad.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:01 PM ^
Freshman year my friend, who lived in Bursley, woke up after a night of partying to find himself lying naked in his bed...curious to figure out why he lost his clothes, he looked around the room, finding a pile of clothes lying soaked in the corner...his underwear was on the back of his roommate's computer, also soaking wet...
Yes, he had removed all of his clothes, peed on them, and apparently thrown his pee-soaked boxers across the room and onto his roommate's laptop...
October 29th, 2009 at 7:02 PM ^
My roomate and his buddy brought a dead, 15 foot tree into the living room for Christmas. Wasn't even a pine tree. Plus it was early November.
After that he watched a boat video.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:29 AM ^
are you my roommate and i dont know it?
October 29th, 2009 at 7:08 PM ^
in '99 in South Padre Island, TX, this guy got so drunk that he would run over to the foot rinse station for people coming from the beach and offer to rinse the sand off the feet of any girls unfortunate enough to be there at the time. If they refused, he would promptly moon them.
Wait, that was me.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:52 PM ^
+1 for lol last line
October 29th, 2009 at 7:10 PM ^
At my orientation, some guy walked into my room (I was waiting a friend to come downstairs, so the door was open) and tried to do the "Michigan Hand Map" for the state of Maryland.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:13 PM ^
He is currently on his knees hunched over the arm of his recliner (the one he wanted to fight several times) with his head buried in the seat of the chair.
He hasn't moved for at least 5 minutes.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:15 PM ^
for the forthcoming make-up sex.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:53 PM ^
baby... baby... baby i'm sorry, i didn't mean it. sometimes you just make me so angry and i lose my temper. baby i'm sorry, it will never happen again... baby you know nobody reclines like you do. baby! baby, let me finish! stop yelling!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:17 PM ^
One of my college housemates was drunk about 75% of the time, but a particular football Saturday lived in our memory as "the night of the Mike Show." He had:
- observed, following a fumble and recovery by the other team, that it had been set up beforehand because "those black people, they're all friends with each other."
- spent fifteen minutes talking about nothing but how hot one of our other housemate's sister was and how he really, really wanted to have rough sex with her. With said housemate in the room on the same couch. And the sister. And about ten other family members (parents, mostly) in for the weekend.
- tried to make up for it (our other housemate was REALLY pissed) by saying his own sister was really hot too (she was) and he kinda wished she wasn't his sister.
- went around the room (porch, actually) asking everyone what they thought of the amateur porno he'd made of himself and some random chick and left playing on a continuous loop in an empty room at his frat's party the week prior.
- offered to fight various parents "just for fun."
October 29th, 2009 at 10:43 PM ^
...was clearly awesome. I wish I had been his friend. That is some damn good entertainment.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:39 PM ^
Lock the thread.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:10 AM ^
This entire thread is awesome but this story put me in tears. You had me at, "those black people are all friends with each other." It is almost too insane a statement to even be mildly offensive. I just picture a secret handshake or gesture that lets the other team know it is time to share the ball, followed by a prompt fumble and lots of fake gestures of disappointment to psyche out all the clueless white people in the game and in the stands. Very crafty.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:59 PM ^
I've found it's actually funnier in the retelling, because when he said it we were all like, "wait, what?" (And kind of pissed off cause we'd just lost a fumble.) And it took us a few seconds to wrap our heads around it. Not the sort of thing you hear every day. That guy used to bust out some weirdly offensive shit sometimes when he was drunk. We never could figure out if he was joking or not.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:47 PM ^
For some reason after hearing this insane theory, I couldn't stop imagining Charles Woodson and David Boston coordinating the entire 1997 game against OSU in an elaborate plot to steal super-whitey Peyton Manning's Heisman Trophy. The potential negotiations are hilarious.
Woodson gets to pick-off Jackson, but he has to let Boston score once. Woodson gets one big catch to show he can play offense, but he can't score or make too many plays or that will make all the black guys on the OSU defense look bad (though he can return a punt for a TD, since nobody knows the guys on special teams and the punter is a white guy). Then they could cover up the vast conspiracy by staging a slap-fight where they both throw their heads back so it looks like they are really socking each other in the face. Freaking genius!
The best part is that if I posted this on a Tennessee message board roughly 92% of the readers would probably take it as fact.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:42 PM ^
your roommate doesn't have alcohol toxicity. A dead nurse to be is of no use to no one.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:50 PM ^
My buddy and I are at a bonfire. The hosts cousin is there and is plastered. The host has a truck parked about 30 ft. away from said bonfire. My friend and I are talking to this kid just fucking around with him and all the sudden he goes. "Shut the fuck up."and is looking at my buddy. So my friend says "Are you talking to me?" He says "No, that truck." and proceeds to get into the 3 point stance" mumbles something to the extent of "keep talking shit, I used to play football." Takes off like a bat out of hell runs the 10 yards straight at the truck, lowers his shoulder and leaves an enormous dent in the side of the truck right next to the back wheel well. Ive never seen the kid again but he was a living legend for 1 night.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:54 PM ^
Ah, forget it.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:00 PM ^
back in college ran into a bachellorette party at the bars. Brought all of them back to our house, and stripped down to speedo's for them before they proceeded to bang the bride to be. If that doesn't spell class I don't know what does.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:40 PM ^
Yikes.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:49 PM ^
That bride to be probably had more infections and bruises than you'd like to count.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:57 AM ^
You mean, like, not negbanging?
October 29th, 2009 at 8:03 PM ^
you went to WVU...right?
October 29th, 2009 at 8:39 PM ^
There is no way in Gods green earth that guy is just drunk. There has to be some shrooms,coke, weed and probably more mixed in WITH the booze. Nevertheless that is FUNNY SHIT!
October 29th, 2009 at 10:39 PM ^
Great stuff! Too many drunkin’stories to tell but here are a few;
1. Friend gets kicked out of a bar (for throwing firecrackers in Derek Jeters VIP room) only to come back 10 minutes later with a sharpie mustache drawn on his face. (He did not get back in)
2. Walking to the dorms one night, my friend (not the same friend) sees the hall directors car outside (who a week earlier took his fake ID) and starts to jump up and down on the hood/roof/trunk of his car yelling racial slurs (HD is African American, friend is white) and his car happened to be about 15 feet away from the HD room.
3. Another friend was walking around a neighborhood at 4 a.m with pots and pans clanking yelling “Chicken or the Egg……Chicken or the Egg” repeatedly. Cops came within 20 minutes and took him to the drunk tank for the night.
4. At a chicks house one night my friend could barely walk. Sees a satellite dish in the yard about 20 yards away(her parents house). Straight bee-line for the dish and takes it out true football stylem all TV’s in the house go out. The girl runs out (5 seconds later) to jump on my friend and jack him in the face about 20 times. Next day I get a call asking me how he got a black-eye!
5. Construction was going on right next to a buddy’s house. Thought he needed to sleep in for once so he decided to put toothpicks and super glue in the ignition of all their bobcats, fork-lifts, etc. (He slept in until 10:30 the next day)
These are all different individuals and one of myself. If you want more I will need money and release forms from my friends.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:57 PM ^
I am guessing you were #5. Just a guess, though. It seems like knowing the 10:30 wakeup time is a detail someone who wasn't there wouldn't readily remember. And it isn't as egregious/absurd as the others in terms of drunkennes, just clever and funny. . .
October 30th, 2009 at 4:53 AM ^
I laughed so hard at #3.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:26 PM ^
Am I the only one feeling slightly relieved that I was able to read all the way to the bottom and not see something that I did while drunk?
Thank God no one had digital cameras back then.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:15 AM ^
I would definitely not be where I am today if I grew up now. All the camera phones and facebook and whatnot. Things would not have ended well.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:18 PM ^
My Sophomore year I go down to Columbus to watch The Game in the Horseshoe with my buddies! We got tix and stayed at a friends house who went to tOSU. Friday nite we all go out and get polluted. We stumble back to the house and pass out upstairs. In the middle of the night, I need to take a piss but don't know where the bathroom is. So I go downstairs and take care of nature outside. The next morning is Game Day and I'm awakened by all the housemates yelling at my buddies about something. I'm able to hear them say that there's puke up and down the stairs and on the wall in the staircase. So I go downstairs to find out who the culprit is. When I reach the kitchen everyone just stops and stares at me. On my face and around the collar of my Michigan sweatshirt is puke-of-the-same--variety that was on their stairs (damn Kamikaze shots). Fortunately, I got out of the house without being beaten senseless. Needless to say, I was not invited back my Senior year! (True Story)
October 29th, 2009 at 8:30 PM ^
Not only did you get out alive, but you got out of there without even cleaning up your own puke? You may not have represented the study body very well but I still gave you plus one for puking all over a Buckeye house.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:56 PM ^
These guys were so pissed that they just kicked me out of the house. My buddies told me to meet them at a Pub down the street. The guy who had us over was the one forced to clean up all the puke. I felt like sh*t because of the hangover and a little guilty.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:39 PM ^
this one time at band camp.........
October 29th, 2009 at 8:47 PM ^
I moved him into his room and onto his bed, at which point he proceeded to yell at me (complete jibberish) and then crawled off the bed onto the ground. He is currently hunched over again, this time with his head on the ground, resting in his arms.
I verified he's still breathing.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:49 PM ^
Me and my bud went to his sisters new housewarming party and got wasted so we stayed. We both slept in the living room. In the middle of the night I heard a girl scream and she was pissed. Evidently my bud opened the door to what he thought was his sisters new bathroom which was actually a spare bedroom and pissed all over the floor right next to where a girl was sleeping. What was funny was it was one of those pisses where he couldn't stop so she was bitchin and he just kept pissing saying he couldn't pinch it off. His sisters boyfriend and me just laughed our asses off!
October 29th, 2009 at 9:00 PM ^
Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"
EDIT-Meant as a response to MWW6T7.October 30th, 2009 at 12:01 AM ^
Stu: "You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year."
Spicoli: "Those guys are fags!"
October 29th, 2009 at 9:07 PM ^
I rode a horse after the game. And it didn't kick me off. And my friend/customer vomited outside a Denny's.
The rest is lost in a sea of Jim Beam.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:30 PM ^
Alice Lloyd 1978. Dorm kegger (legal then). Tried to take hinges off my roomates closet so I could put on his band uniform and return to the party. He got a single (room) shortly thereafter. Ah the pure innocence of the act though... and I ended up chasing off both my roomates and making a triple a single...
October 29th, 2009 at 9:53 PM ^
I play lacrosse at BGSU and we always have a "rookie night". My freshman year we had to do a bunch of drinking stuff (won't get into detail, mostly cuz i don't remember). Anyways, i had to walk back to my girlfriend's dorm at two in the morning almost passed out drunk. Well when i got there i decided to strip all my clothes off and pass out on her roommates bed. Well this part i have no memory of but, i woke up in the early morning, naked still, and only put my shoes on. I claim, "I have to pee." My GF tells me i am naked and to put on my clothes which i respond that i can not find them(they were at my feet). She then tells me again that i have to put my clothes on to go to the bathroom, it was an all girls dorm. I proceed to say, "I know i am naked, it doesn't matter." Needless to so i woke up the next morning feeling like total shit.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:19 PM ^
Grain alcohol
October 29th, 2009 at 10:25 PM ^
My friend woke up in an I-94 ditch west of AA on a Saturday morning and hitchhiked back to town with a mother and her son on their way to the son's quizbowl match.