Mark Emmert announces ten more McGary-like suspensions
NCAA president Mark Emmert announced today that, in keeping with the sense of justice and propriety of the McGary ruling, ten more NCAA D-1 basketball players have been suspended. The players, their schools, and the lengths and reasons for the suspensions are listed below:
Montrezl Harrell – Louisville -Suspended one year for violating the Vagrancy Act of 1824.
Dyshawn Pierre – Dayton - Suspended for life for speaking ill of the Queen on St. George's Day.
Naadir Tharpe – Kansas - Suspended for half of the '14-'15 season for failing to break his quota of rocks on multiple days.
Cameron Ridley – Texas - Suspended two years for sassing a constable.
Monte Morris – Iowa State - Suspended one year for asking for a second bowl of gruel.
Aaron White – Iowa - Flogged for failing to address a lady as "ma'am" or "m'lady."
Jabril Trawick – Georgetown - Suspended three years for heresy (suggesting that the earth revolves around the sun).
Dez Wells - Maryland - Suspended two years for gandering at Johanna, the ward of Judge Turpin.
Mike Tobey – UVA - Suspended for life for questioning the morality and long-term viability of Britain's occupation of India.
[redacted] - Kentucky - Suspended one game for taking $200,000 in benefits from a booster, multiple homicides, and desecration of a corpse.
April 28th, 2014 at 11:56 AM ^
On St George's Day? No respect I tell ya.
April 28th, 2014 at 11:56 AM ^
You had me at "St. George's Day"
April 28th, 2014 at 11:57 AM ^
well played sir!
April 28th, 2014 at 11:59 AM ^
I feel he would highly approve of Mark Emmert.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:03 PM ^
This post is BiSB-esque. And that my friend is high, high praise indeed. Well done my chap. Bravo!
April 28th, 2014 at 12:26 PM ^
While I enjoyed your take on the suspensions, are they all year suspensions? Or is the entire thing a joke?
April 28th, 2014 at 12:34 PM ^
The way you can tell it's a joke is that it posits that there is more than one bowl of gruel in Ames, Iowa. As if!
(One of the better posts of the year by anyone, Erik. Well done.)
April 28th, 2014 at 12:04 PM ^
"Peeping" Tom was struck blind when he watched Lady Godiva pass his door.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:04 PM ^
I call BS on the NCAA. The punishment for asking for more gruel is sale into indentured servitude to an undertaker. Morris got off light. Obviously the NCAA trying to protect its marquee programs.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:07 PM ^
Seriously such a shit*y topic, but you helped make the boo boo go away. Awesome post.
My question would be this - did they not only suspend him but then ask for payment because the first bowl was over the allotted amount of gruel in the scholarship paperwork? Does Iowa State report a secondary violation because the gruel was not made available to the student population? Also, what is the NCAA feeling about serving more tripe after workouts?
"April is the gruelist month."
T.S. Eliot
That's actually not a bad gig, if you're into desecrating corpses in Kentucky, that is.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:06 PM ^
think that Montrezl Harrell would have learned from Brandon Davies' mistakes.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:08 PM ^
Should be way more than two years. The NCAA is losing control. #Thugz
April 28th, 2014 at 12:09 PM ^
action and announced his suspension. Wouldn't want UM to get associated with this motley bunch.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:13 PM ^
There's always that one guy who just has to downvote.
Those who want to know the identity of the miscreants need merely hit the tab "voting details" to see who thinks this is a bad post. Not a wise decision, imhe.
I didn't downvote it.
It wasn't till they got to Trewick's heresy that they realized the earth orbits the sun.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:17 PM ^
Good stuff
April 28th, 2014 at 12:20 PM ^
Needed that on this Monday morning...
April 28th, 2014 at 12:34 PM ^
God only knows what Mark Emmert would do to a player if he quit the Night's Watch. Beheading would probably be mercy.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:41 PM ^
To be fair Mr. Tobey should be drawn and quartered. And Ridley should have bamboo shoots jammed under his nails. The others are only slightly out of keeping with proportion/propinquity.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:42 PM ^
The earth goes around the sun? Alright jackass. Then why does it feel like I'm not moving everyday and the sun circles the sky?
Yeah, didn't think you could answer that. Enjoy your well-deserved suspension heretic
April 28th, 2014 at 12:43 PM ^
I didn't realize that sassing a constable actually used to be a crime.
April 28th, 2014 at 12:47 PM ^
Aaron White – Iowa - Flogged for failing to address a lady as "ma'am" or "m'lady."
I have been there and done that!
That is all.
I had to control myself so my coworkers didn't think I was crazy and laughing to myself.
Silly Monte Morris..
Well done Erik. Needed that today.
Kain Colter, Northwestern University: sentenced to death by stoning. Employees? Balderdash, these things are property.
Leo Gerard, United Steelworkers Union President: for aiding in the efforts to steal property from its rightful owner, he is henceforth banned from attending any & all NCAA sporting events.
Donald Sterling, Owner Los Angeles Clippers: Lifetime Achievement Award and Honorary NCAA Advisory Membership.
Heard a guy from Texas Tech was suspended two years for "raising hell" and trying to "give 'em what for." Little harsh, if you ask me.
except I'd probably lose my eligibility. Oh wait, I don't have any.
Fuck Mark Emmert.
The thing is, if we allow a student athlete more than one serving of gruel we blur the lines between amateur and professional, thereby destroying the purity and sanctity of college athletics.
I mean what's next, football games on Thursday nights?
meant to upvote and clicked downvote by mistake--though I was at least able to still upvote. [pounding head repeatedly on table] I won't sleep well tonight.
That the local law enforcement deemed that the corpse had consented.
Could have been the nail in the coffin.
to give.