Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

PUNT

By Nick RouMel

Last weekend was an especially heartbreaking one for local sports fans. Both Michigan, on Saturday vs. Penn State, and the Tigers, on Sunday vs. the Red Sox, managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of seemingly certain victory.

These kinds of losses are the most difficult to handle, right? It’s like any near miss. Not just a sports outcome, of course. But a job you don’t get; a relationship that doesn’t work out. They haunt you. You replay every facet endlessly in your mind. “What if I hadn’t picked my nose during the interview?” or “What if Sparky* hadn’t pulled Scherzer after 7 innings?” or “What if Shawn Crable hadn’t missed that blocking assignment on the field goal attempt?”

On the other end of the spectrum, who cares if the Lions lose? They generally suck, with occasional flashes of mediocrity. There are no expectations, year in and year out. So when they win, it’s a happy occurrence. Compare and contrast how terrible you felt when Michigan beat Akron and Connecticut.

I argue that sports ceases to be a happy escape if you feel crappy after a close win and want to slit your wrists after a loss. It’s just replacing one source of stress for another (your job, deadlines, etc.). The weekend is no longer fun; it just becomes tense. The only happy people are those who sell blood pressure medication and alcoholic beverages.

Sometimes it’s easier, in this column, to pick against Michigan, to protect a heart that has been broken too many times. To try and find pockets of grim satisfaction in small things, like the fact that mgoblog user “LivingInOhioSucks” was stupendously hung over on Sunday, because he dared to doubt my prediction.** Or to happily give away my tickets to a co-worker for the Indiana game, who has never been to the Big House.

And to even dare hope: that Scherzer and Verlander will stave off the Sox, and that someday, even these young boys in Maize and Blue will jell and become a team to be proud of once more.

Until then, just remember what the Wizard of Oz told the Tin Man:

“I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart.”

INDIANA 35, MICHIGAN 31

* [Yeah, I know.]

** [See Punt/Counterpunt 10/12/13, comment #2. (jump?)]

COUNTERPUNT

By Heiko Yang

I’m too broken to write prose, so here is my assessment of Michigan’s offense in the form of a good old-fashioned SAT analogy question.

Michigan’s offensive game plan : Michigan’s offensive goal ::

1. Go to college : meet women

2. Monkey wrench : assemble Ikea furniture

3. Allen wrench : assemble non-Ikea furniture

4. Sign up for extracurricular activities : become well rounded and meet women

5. Run 5K : train for marathon

6. Workout on elliptical : not ready for marathon, train for 5K

7. Learn three chords on guitar : start jam band

8. Rehearse stand-up comedy routine : audition for improv comedy

9. Take pre-med courses : keep career options open

10. A spoonful of sugar : cure diabetes

11. Methicillin : treat MRSA

12. Rhythm method : contraception

13. Become history major : play to strengths, aim for law school

14. Charge of the Light Brigade: Survival of the Light Brigade

15. Ford a 15-foot deep river : avoid caulking the wagon and floating across due to high risk of turnover.

16. Great Leap Forward : “forward”

17. Drop classes and change major halfway through senior year : find five easiest credits to meet graduation requirements

18. Reply-all : reply

19. “Please remove me from this list” : get removed from this list

20. Recycle high school essays : pass English classes

21. Obtain degree in English : find employment

22. Non-prescription glasses : look more employable

23. Skinny jeans from Salvation Army : look like unemployment was on purpose

24. Lottery tickets : acquire wealth while unemployed

25. Craigslist : sell possessions, purchase more lottery tickets

26. Click on “missed connections” : meet women

Indiana 30, Michigan 30, refs cancel the game in 5 OT.

[ED: We know. Our correspondents are currently behind enrolled in Football Rehab.]