Hokepoints: The Big Ten Has a Problem Comment Count

Seth February 12th, 2013 at 9:08 AM

It is a day after National Signing Day and the Big Ten has inked yet another lackluster group of mostly 3-star recruits. Fearing a further drift toward mediocrity, representatives from each relevant school have secretly gathered together. Their goal:  rescuing the competitive future of their once mighty conference!

A prayer is offered to AIRBHG and thanks given unto BHGP for allowing me to rip off their format.


Scene: A little-used back room of the Palmer House in Chicago, its walls lined with trophies honoring the conference's academic achievements, and tasteful sweaters. A group of men and a duck mill about, most huddled around a smartphone showing walrus porn. One is eyeing the gilded stand lamps, apparently wondering if they're bolted down. They are watched by a shadowy figure in a ski mask. JIM DELANEY enters…

delany: The Big Ten Emergency Meeting on Recruiting Top Talent to the Midwest will now come to order. B1G T3N Divisions, ROLL CALL:

urbzangrypsuzelleraduck: Leaders!

hokebraypelinimsufatpitzkillferentzconsin: Legends!

delany: Dammit Barry.

consin: Leaders!

delany: I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our two newest members, Notre Dame and Texas.

knight: Hark, fair commissariat, thou speakest in error, for surely thou didst mean mineself and mine good compatriot of Mary's land.

terppppp: I can get my parking validated right?

delany: Unh, right. Good afternoon.

terpppppknight: Good afternoon.

hokebray: Championships!

terppppp: What's he saying?

delany: It's the…no, Brady we're not doing the thing.


knight: Undoubtedly the stout knave is expecting some manner of riposte.

[More. Oh so much more, after the JUMP!]

delany: [Sigh] Okay okay. Guys just answer 42.


B1g: Forty-two!

hokebray: YEARS!

delany: Say 134.

B1g: A hundred and thirty four.

hokebray: BEAT!

B1g: Ohio!

urbzangry_thumb[6]: Hey!

delany: Enough. Now listen, I've called this meeting because someone—and I'm not going to say who—is concerned that we're not recruiting up to the standards of the SEC…

B1g: [Rabble rabble rabble rabble]

delany: …which we are clearly still superior to in every way.

pelini: It cannot be that bad.

delany: It is. It's so bad that Vanderbilt pulled down a better class than all but three of you.

B1g: [gasps]

delany: And sanction-wracked Penn State had the next-best class in our conference. Which reminds me, Bill, the NCAA says if you're to participate here you need to have a least one of your appendages immersed in lava the entire time. See to it.

psu: Got it boss. [finds lava receptacle]

urbzangry_thumb[6]: He's right guys. I've got my people out there buying Nissans and tricked-out apartments, all to keep these kids in the Midwest, and suddenly I hear y'all just—AHEM—you all just let a five-star receiver walk right out the back door.

terppppp: Wait, Spend money? I thought we had an understanding here…

knight: Verily. 'Tis not mere currency that be th'apple of recruits' desire, but the tan'd skin of fair southern damsels. Ere we could discover some method of applying tans upon our coeds…

urbzangry_thumb[6]: No, they pay them.


consin: Sadly, I think Urban speaks the truth. Just the other month I had one of my kids come up to me—real hard-nosed kid, a guy I was sure was solid to Wisconsin since he coached us to three Rose Bowls—and told me he was transferring to Arkansas because they were going to offer him money for his services. Kid even had the gall to ask if I'd match! I was like 'You coach at WISCONSIN and that's not good enough for you?!'

urbzangry_thumb[6]: Waitaminute, Bret gave you the opportunity to match and you turned him down?

ferentz: We don't buy our recruits here Urban.

urbzangry_thumb[6]: Bullshit! That school up north just signed a class almost as good as mine. What're you paying, Brady, $8k per five-star, $2k per four star, 40-time bonuses, what is it?

hokebray: We offer them MICHIGAN.

urbzangry_thumb[6]: That's not…that's just the name of your school!

hokebray: We tell them they are becoming 1/115th of a team, and when you put them all together you get MICHIGAN. That's a football team.

urbzangry_thumb[6]: I know it's a… C'mon seriously, we're all friends here, what is it, like stock options in Ross's ventures or something?

hokebray: Eleven National Championships. We're building young Americans.


fatpitz: Really, that's not how we do things here, Urbz. We offer them admission and scholarships to our top-rated academic institutions, and we commit to preparing them to achieve after football.

delany: Sadly, Mr. Fitzgerald here is correct. We all agreed before you got here Mr. Meyer that no school can offer players extra benefits unless everyone in Ohio says it's okay.

urbzangry_thumb[6]: You can't pay them? But then what did you do with the piles and piles of money me and the Chris Christie lookalike over here made for you last year?

kill: Um, paid the heating bill?

ferentz: Our Wrestling team this spring will be moving into a 900-acre palace modeled after Versailles and constructed entirely of gold-enameled corn.

aduck: And we are building a massive biological laboratory in an underground bunker outside Urbana where we hope to one day engineer a human being capable of throwing a football.

pelini: Have you tried using Dinosaur DNA? We've had some success in splicing Tyrannosaurs with white running backs and California citrus growers.

aduck: I…no. That's a good idea. J Lehman!


jleman: Yes, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois.

aduck: Fetch me a Tyrannosaurus.

jleman: Are you sure? Have you looked into offensive lines—?

aduck: Tyrannosaurus!

delany: Stop! Illinois, you agreed no more lab experiments until you clean up the all the Zook you spilled.

msu: If I may make a suggestion...

delany: AAAHHH! Mark, I told you: never have that mask on when you're speaking to me. How do I know you're not scowling at me under there?


delany: Now what's your suggestion?

dantonio: We're fighting a war on two fronts; what if we make that just one?

zeller: You mean just play basketball?

fatpitz: He means attack the SEC's dorms but…

dantonio: No, I mean what if we just play DEFENSE. Forget about offensive recruits and just have our defenses go head to head every game.

psu: This idea has some merit.

consin: I could go for this if we can find some way to incorporate running backs.

urbzangry_thumb[6]: You can't be serious. JIM!

delany: We're NOT doing away with offense. We just need to come up with some things we can offer to recruits other than cash and things you can buy with cash. Let's brainstorm.

<writes "THINGS TO OFFER RECRUITS" on blackboard>

delany: I am opening the floor to suggestions. Yes, Brady.

hokebray: MICHIGAN!

delany: That's a state not something you offer a recruit. Anyone else?

kill: Well I…no it's stupid.

delany: There's no such thing as a stupid idea Jerry, unless someone outside of this room came up with it. Go on.

kill: I was just thinking if the SEC is stockpiling top recruits and summarily cutting the ones that aren't going to play, then maybe we could offer kids the opportunity to, you know, actually play college football.

zeller: I don't understand, why would they want that?



ferentz: The hell?

knight: Hark, I recognize that cry! It be that foul grenade from last night's smushening, turned stage five clinger demon!

killphone_thumb[2]: MARIMBA! MARIMBA!

kill: Sorry everyone. Sorry. I gotta take this.

braylong: Sup, KILLZ. Jus' checkin to see if you've got that RB depth chart ready yet. Where my bro? He startin' right?

kill: Bray-man, I told you not 'till spring…

delany: Yeah, okay, we'll put 'PLAYING TIME' down with a question mark next to it.

braylong: Right right. So how many carries are we talkin' about for next year 'cause I was thinking like 35 a game or so…we don't want to wear him out tho. Maybe he could play quarterback half the time or somethin.

kill: Fine fine we can talk about this later. Bye. <click>

delany: Other ideas?

terppppp: Well I say we all cut every sport except football and basketball.

delany: No.

terppppp: Just think about it—recruits wouldn't have to share equipment or space with, like,  or rowers, or girls. I think that'd be a big selling point.

delany: No! Anybody else?

urbzangry_thumb[6]: Well we did this 'Circle of Trust' thing at Florida, where if you're a top recruit you can smoke pot and stuff without getting in trouble.

delany: Again, Urban, it has to work outside of Ohio.

killphone_thumb[2]: SMS!

braylong: U got a jersey picked out? Cuz u know he Number 1.

pelini: How about Tradition!

delany: Excellent. More ideas!

ferentz: Opportunity!

delany: What do you mean by that?

ferentz: I don't know, it sounded good.

pelini: Yeah, Power word!

delany: Okay, opportunity.

zeller: Location!

knight: National relevance!

dantonio: Defense!

delany: Great! We're really cookin' here guys.

psu: A massive stadium that will always be full no matter how much you charge for tickets!

consin: Rose Bowls!

B1g: Oooh. Yeah. Good one. Eeeeeee Rose Bowls.

aduck: Great rivalries! Ha, suck it Brady!

fatpitz: Academic excellence.

delany: …cellence. Okay guys this is great! Now, how do we sell all of this stuff to recruits?

B1g: …

kill: Um…er…hmmm.

delany: C'mon people don't we have ANYTHING in this conference that really sums up to recruits that we've got all of this great tradition, opportunity, location, national relevance, defense, stadium draws, Rose Bowls, rivalry games, and academic excellence? Yes, Brady.

hokebray: Michigan?


Meanwhile, in the actual Big Ten headquarters, another meeting is underway



hazell2: And so, since there are no objections, I officially welcome UConn, the Nova Scotia School for Mimes, and Mrs. Ruiz's Third Grade Class to the newly christened Fight Win Inspiration Leadership Mustache Conference, and submit that the divisions be aligned so that the Oaken Bucket is the only rivalry.



February 12th, 2013 at 9:19 AM ^

about Urban is that he is complaining about the level of recruiting from other BIg Ten teams and simultaneously poaching committed recruits from them. I don't really have a problem, honestly, with going after committed recruits in conference (we do plenty of it) but preaching about other teams stepping up their game is pure hypocrisy.


February 12th, 2013 at 10:39 AM ^

Most of the B1G has been pathetic recruiting wise.  Some of that is demographics and out of their control but just look at what the Hoops programs have been able to do.  The difference is that the Hoops programs have hired top notch coaches almost across the board while football hiring has been a joke outside the top 4.


p.s.  good job on the bit Seth.  Pretty funny


February 12th, 2013 at 1:17 PM ^

It's why I can't stand him.  He complains about EVERYTHING.  You know who Urban Meyer is?  He's the guy who walks into a five-star steakhouse, constantly changes the order, terrorizes the wait staff, eats half the meal then complains until the manager comps him.  He complains until he gets his way.  And he knows he can get away with it.  And this is what exasperates me the most:

He knows it's legal.

Anyone waiting for Urban Meyer to get his comeuppance is going to be waiting a long time.  He is very, very good at what he does.  I just hate what that is -- abusing America's "squeaky wheel gets the grease" culture ad infinitum.  In other cultures he'd be ostracized, but in America this epic whiner is worshipped.  He's never going to get caught because it's not against the rules to be annoying, but as a humanist I find his methods socially toxic.  There's a huge cost to enabling people like Urban Meyer; whenever he gets his way it basically rewards his behavior and encourages everyone else to turn into jackasses.


February 12th, 2013 at 9:27 AM ^

...Seth. Quibble. Last Fri I watched a few minutes of the Iowa dual meet on BTN that followed Michigan's disappointing effort vs. Ohio. Carver-Hawkeye Arena was packed to the rafters. I'm pretty sure that at the school where wrestling is a religion, it's a revenue sport akin to hockey for Michigan.

Also, needs moar fergodsake.


February 12th, 2013 at 10:22 AM ^

It is. Sometime last year I was driving near Carver and there were tons of people walking up. I couldn't believe people were actually going to a basketball game, when usually they have to give out the tickets free to students. When I got home I checked and it turned out it was a wrestling meet.


February 12th, 2013 at 9:46 AM ^

"Well we did this 'Circle of Trust' thing at Florida, where if you're a top recruit you can smoke pot and stuff without getting in trouble."

Oh man, the timing of that one made me spray Diet Dr. Pepper.


February 12th, 2013 at 2:47 PM ^

As cool as he is, Rutgersman would be even better if he was sporting the awesome Rutgers football helmet, because well, just about everything looks better in that chrome-tastic helmet (except, of course, a Michigan football player).