In the loosely adapted ways of Dante, I present to you the fourth canto of Formerly's Football Inferno. I promise nothing when it comes to grammar, punctuation, logical plots, or anything that normally goes into story writing.
For those of you unfamiliar, Dante walks through each region of hell to learn the sins and punishment by talking to those souls trapped. In the third circle of Dante's hell, home to those committing Gluttony, the souls here must endure endless rain of sludge from the monster Cerberus.
Canto I Canto II Canto III
After another endless walk, we finally climbed down into the third circle of hell. In this circle of hell, the windstorms of the second circle turned to a freezing storm of black snow. Temperatures were easily below freezing. Luckily I took my jacket with me to the Michigan game I last left, oh so long ago. Michigan weather is tricky like that. It changes on a whim.
As we pushed on through the circle, we could see large hills all around us, however, people weren't to be seen. As we slid between hills, zigzagging through the valleys that channeled through, you'd occasionally hear a person yell, but not often. After a few yells, I had to ask Davy Crockett just what that horrid screaming was.
"Kid, this is the realm of hell for all those who never once made it to Michigan Stadium. It's a sacred pilgrimage that every Michigan fan must complete at least once in their life. For those that don't they are doomed to spend eternity sitting in a replica of Michigan Stadium, except there is no game.
"They must sit and endure the cold of a night game in December. A black snow blots out the light as their souls must freeze. Each of these hills are actually stadiums built into the ground, filled with twice the normal capacity so the damned will have to feel an even bigger squeeze on space. On top of that, they blast RAWK MUZIK into their ears. It's diabolical."
"That's a harsh penalty," I replied. "Is there exemptions for poor people, those who never visit America, or otherwise?"
"Alas, they do not. If you never make a game, you are damned to hell. It used to be worse though. It used to be if you didn't make an Ohio State game. Hell eventually had to change that. The ADA got wind and claimed there just weren't enough handicapped seats in Michigan Stadium to get all the crippled people of the world into Ohio State games. So Hell sent their lawyer-types, of which there are plenty, and sent them to orchestrate a renovation of Michigan Stadium. The requirement to see an Ohio State game should be mandatory again by 2012."
"Huh," I shrugged. "I guess I take back all those nasty accusations I made about the handicapped ruining the Big House."
"Yeah," agreed Crockett. "They had nothing to do with it. Hell doesn't discriminate. The handicapped are just as worthy of punishment."
"So that screaming I heard, that was the RAWK MUZIK?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's the RAWK MUZIK. Horrible stuff."
"So is there a spirit around I can talk to?"
"Nah, most of the people in these stadiums are losers who never went to a game. You know, like that stereotypical Asian kid who went to the UgLi instead of games. That and ugly girls who are pasty. They have no interest in those around them in life, nor do they have any interest in each other in hell. You don't want to be associated with them do you?"
"Davy, you're a horrible soul. I don't even know if you'd made it into Christian heaven with views like that. That said, I don't want to be associated with those type of people at all. I find they normally smell funny, too. Let's hurry and get out of this damn cold. May we never play night games in November or December ever."
As we walked on, I caught a glimpse of the godzillatron in the sky. Michigan just came back against Wisconsin to win. Ha, what the hell did that Domer loving Grantland Rice know about Michigan's future. The Rodriguez Era has begun. Sucker.
(Special thanks to chunkums for the gif)