In the loosely adapted ways of Dante, I present to you the fifth canto of Formerly's Football Inferno. I promise nothing when it comes to grammar, punctuation, logical plots, or anything that normally goes into story writing.
For those of you unfamiliar, Dante walks through each region of hell to learn the sins and punishment by talking to those souls trapped. The fourth circle of Dante's hell is home to those committing Avarice. Avarice is the equivalent of greed, which was once described in a certain text as "the root of all evil." In Dante's realm, they were forced to move large stones with their chest for eternity.
As we traveled down into the fourth circle of hell, the weather began to clear and temperatures approached being a bit warm. As we reached the bottom of the steppe, Davy stopped me.
"Formerly, before we go any further, I must warn you, this circle of hell may be a bit tempting. Be always sure you are right - then go ahead," warned Crockett.
Little did I know just how true his warning would be. As we entered the main plain of the fourth circle, I was immediately surrounded by women. And let me tell you, these women were endowed. Tig ol' bitties as far as the eyes could see. And we're not talking just DD, we're talking freakishly large boobs. Does size Z exist? These breasts are as large as a woman's torso.
"Look girls, it's a mortal man!" exclaimed one of the big tittied blondes. I think I'm in heaven. All of these women want me.
"So, like where are you from?" one asked. "Did you go to Michigan? I was, like originally from Jersey, but I went to Michigan. I was in Sigma Lambda Upsilon Tau. My grades were awesome! I was a linguistics major, which, is like so totally hard. What can I do for you?" Followed by a suggestive wink, or at least I think it was, I was staring at something else.
"Well, uh… you-" I started before being interrupted.
"So where are you from? How much do you make? What kind of car do you drive? If it's anything less than an Audi you can just pack it up and get out of here," another said, speaking so quickly that I didn't have time to even get a word in.
"Uh, I'm a college student that drives a chev-"
"Oh god, I carried these huge tits all the way over here for that? I'm so out of here," stated the first girl. The girls all turned away, opening up their cell phones and calling god knows who.
"What, what? What just happened here?" I mutter.
Davy steps up beside me and says, "Formerly, this is the land of those fair weather fans who only go to games because that's what the popular kids do. They don't care about the team. They just want to be seen. These are the ones that show up in the short skirts in September, then never make it to a conference game because the weather goes cold."
"Damn dude. Those are some big titties. Is that just a coincidence?" I asked.
A girl, boobs too big to be able to use her hands on her cell phone overheard me and interrupted our conversation, "No, that's like the punishment for us. We were all too lazy from going out before games and getting trashed to make it out to games. We've been punished by being given breasts that are like, so big they hurt to carry around all day. And the worst part, they don't even give us mixed drinks to subdue the pain. This is like a total hell hole."
I replied with a simple "I see" and eye roll, which didn't seem to go over well with the straggler, "Don't give me that look, bitch."
"Oh, okay. You enjoy Avarice, I'm moving on."
"Like, shaaa… wait, what's Avarice?" she replied.
"Go ask one of your English major friends who might have read the Divine Comedy, if that wasn't 'like so totally hard' that they forgot."
So Davy and I kept moving along, and shortly before getting to the edge of the fourth circle, Crockett turned to me and says, "Yeah, I made the mistake of hanging out here too much when I first entered hell. Those bitches are intellectually disabled. And man, listening to them chatter on and on about themselves is a worse hell than anything you'll see the rest of the trip."
"I hear you there, Davy. They're batshit crazy."
And on we traveled.
(picture complements of chunkums… Disclaimer: any and all stereotypes offered by this picture are the sole contribution of chunkums. FA loves him some KKG, or any UM sorority sisterhood for that matter.)