Hokepoints Went to Market

Hokepoints Went to Market

Submitted by Seth on May 27th, 2014 at 1:27 PM


As a father, I suddenly find myself looking for ways to explain the world we live in and the rules that society has created. Nursery rhymes are of course a tried and true method of passing social mores on to the next generation. Since the NCAA's rulebook and enforcement practices are particularly difficult to comprehend for a young mind, I thought I would share some of these great old rhymes, each with an important lesson to teach, which have been passed down generation to generation, so our children may too come to understand what the hell the league is doing.

This kinda started on twitter.

Little Bunny Foo Foo

After several warnings to Little Bunny Foo Foo
regarding his repeated field mice violations,
the Big Fairy vacated his head bops
and put him on probation.

Kids need to learn that if you are really flaunting the rules the NCAA always has two things they can do to you: threaten to watch you really closely for any other violations you may report on yourself, and pretend things that happened didn't happen.

Also there's no conclusive evidence, despite precautionary efforts, that the head injuries sustained by the field mice will have any long-term effects.

From BiSB:

In related news, the doctor eventually tagged Mama with a Lack of Institutional Control after too many monkeys fell off the bed.

Mama of course could have avoided the LOIC if she had reported to the doctor that after an exhaustive investigation only a few isolated incidents of falling monkeys were discovered, and Dada had retired with honors for his role in covering it up.

From Zone Left:

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again because glue is an impermissible benefit.

Humpty may, however, be entitled to a medical hardship waiver.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean.
But Jack was on scholarship,
so sharing would be a secondary violation.

You see? Children learn the value of sharing, but also that it's important not to share things you get as a student-athlete. If the scholarship stipend is more than you need to live as the poorest student on campus, then the stipend can be reduced. In a similar vein:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
Since her son's team had a deal with the shoe's manufacturer
the NCAA investigated this.

The value to a shoe company of having great student-athletes wear their apparel while performing great athletic feats is not generated by the athletes performing the feats in the apparel. Nay, the real value here was made by people in a board room who negotiated that deal. Anybody can split two defenders and take it to the house; it takes a truly special [company to hire a] guy who can wear a suit and shake hands with another guy in a suit over their mutual affinity for the word "branding."

Big man Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating a stale hotdog bun.
He thought "I'm so lucky for this year at Kentucky,
I should thank David Stern when I'm done."

Name another job besides NBA player that requires you to have 1/4th of an SEC education?

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Don't miss Jack's team
at New Candlestick

That's not all Bo's lost.

Jack's sixth-place in the Pac 12 school will be charged $500/night for San Francisco hotel rooms in anticipation of the Diamond Walnut Kraft Emerald Fight Hunger Bowl game versus Navy or something.

Little Bo P. has lost his D.
And doesn't know where to find them.
Just bring down a guy, and play 'em one-high
And Borges will try to run by them.

Football is stupid.

This little piggy went to Fayettville
This little piggy should have stayed home
This little piggy crashed his bike
And that exposed the piggy's goomah
So the piggies hired the guy with warm whee-whee.

Whatever they say, John L. Smith is good for college football.

Old King Cole was a Maryland soul
And a building was name for he.
But they needed a new, so they offed swim and crew,
And sold the rest out to cable TV.

The Big Ten believes it can better fulfill its academic mission by adding the Comcast Center to its footprint.

Oh where oh where has my center gone?
Oh where oh where can he be?
With his back sewn up
And his tie once on
Oh where oh where can he be?

Some violations are absolutely inexcusable. Being that one guy who tested positive for pot during the latter half of March cannot be tolerated, even though 23% of NCAA athletes just told you they use it. With such numbers, and society's rapidly relaxing views on pot, there's never going to be another chance to really screw some kid over this, so you'd better find the nicest possible kid at the most model possible program, and absolutely duke him. Then they'll really know you're serious about enforcing the rule you were about to change.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How do your revenues yield?
With Title IX and creative fin- 
-ancing for football's new practice field.

In a move that totally makes how much the athletic department spends on women equal to how much it spends on men's teams, the women's basketball team recently unveiled a $140 million renovation to their arena, which the fellas will also have access to so long as they ask nicely.

The Grand Opening

The Grand Opening

Submitted by BiSB on May 2nd, 2014 at 9:15 AM

Previously on we-ripped-this-off-from-BHGP: ID16, ID16 part II, Urban's meeting.

As you may have heard, the Big Ten opened its new office in New York City recently, and the media got its first look on Wednesday.

Big Ten HQ

What you may not have heard was that shortly before the media took their tour, the Big Ten coaches and a handful of administrators got a look inside. We have a transcript of their meeting.

Delany Delany: Okay, thanks everyone for coming. Before we begin…

Hoke Hoke: Years?

Delany Delany: Aw hell, not this again. Anyway, what I was…

Hoke Hoke: YEARS???

MeyerMeyer: He’s not going to stop until you do it, Jim.

Delany Delany. Sigh. Okay, fine. 135.


Dantonio Dantonio: Yep!

Meyer Meyer: Congratulations, blind squirrel.

Hoke Hoke: BEAT?

Beckman Tim Beckman: Off!

Beckman Beckman: …hehehe…

Beckman Beckman: Get it? Cause he wanted us to say “Beat Ohio,” but instead I made a funny. Which is what we call jokes in Illinois.

Pelini Bo Pelini: Dude, Darrell, how the hell did you lose to that buffoon?

Hazell Darrell Hazell: Did you see what Danny Hope left me? The cupboard was bare, except for those jars of urine. And Rob Henry. I probably should have played the urine more.

Delany Delany: ANYWAY, thanks for all taking the time to come to the opening of our new offices. We’re hoping that given our new territory, we can expand our brand…

Brandon Dave Brandon: WOOT!!!

Hoke Hoke: Sorry, he does that. It isn’t voluntary.

Brandon Brandon: What are we hashtagging this meeting? #B1GLifeB1GOffices? Damn I’m good.

Delany Delany: Let’s just get the tour started.

[AFTER THE JUMP: the tour]

Dear Diary from A to Z

Dear Diary from A to Z

Submitted by Seth on April 26th, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Just a few more days to get in on the pre-sale of HTTV and the now-happening Hail to Hoops and Hockey and the Victors and Michigan Wooo. (working title). A lot of you held off on the second book until you were sure it was gonna get made—head over there --> and you can change your contribution to get in on the pre-sale. It'll cost about $18.50 total to get it mailed after the kickstarter.

Former Michigan football player Steve Everitt talks on the radio at the M-Den during the WTKA Mott Takeover fundraising event.  Angela J. Cesere | AnnArbor.com

Filed under 'V' for 'Viking'

It's the week after the Spring Game, so the OT rules have been lifted on the board and the diaries have kinda fallen back into meta things and wallpapers (jonvalk's) mostly. Everyone can pick their favorite distraction between hedging on MSC's replacement, dickering around with MGoPoints, or bringing music to Brazilians.

My distraction was this thread put up by OHbornUMfan trying to make an alphabetical Michigan Football rhyming book. I got carried away:

A is for the Andersons, who called each other "bro." Kurt played center in aught-one, and Erick starred for Mo.

B is for the Brackinses, the Vols can have them back. No matter how you spell the name the player is all-MAC.*

C should be for Carter, or Lloyd or Chappuis. But it goes to Carson and Criswell, to make their coach happy.

D it stands for Duffys, the brothers from Team 7. John played "keeper", Iggy "full", and James on Team 11. (As a 7th year senior)Yeah, this is where I belong

E we know for Edwards, of the singular jersey num--. The father he, played in Rose Bowls: three, victorious in 1.

F we'll have a falling out if ever you should say, a greater QB ever played than Friedman in his day.

G is for Glenn Edward, a name you'd never know. For though he was our greatest man, we've always called him "Bo."

H we have for Hammersteins behind the scrimmage line. Mark there saving Harbaugh's ass, and Mike there curving spines.

…and here a second honoree I simply must propose: for 'Hello-Heisman' Desmond Howard, he of that famous pose.

…and GAWD YOU GUYS I KNOW we'll never get to I. But cumong: Henne, Hart and Hutchinson, and that Willie Heston guy!

I is Jarrett Irons, from Woodland, Texas came. With he and Steele and Swett and Sword we won with just our names.

J could be a Johnson, or Jones: we've had our share. But here I'll take a Jackson, the one at corner not on air. (Marlin/Keith)

K is for Ron Kramer, and "end" he's called in song. "That guy who can do everything" I guess was just too long.

and let's salute the Kolesars from Bob of Seven Oaks.* There's Bill the tackle and his son John, who caught that Harbaugh post.†

L to launch an LT's name shall never lead you wrong. Exempli gratias IMG_1668are Jake, and of course his clone, Lewan.

M is written wide in block and on the seal again. It kicks off Messner, Mandich, Molk, but always Michigan.

N is Harry Newman remember when I said, that we'll have words if Friedman falls; we'll have to start that thread.

O is Obi Ezeh—almost had you there, again! It stands for Bennie Oosterbaan, three-time All-American.

P is Mr. President, also known as Gerald Ford. Before the Constitution, he defended Willis Ward.

Q Shit this one's hard: maybe go with Quinton Washington? Well yeah, if our line stands up this year, he goes right with the rest of them!

R we save for Robinson, don't make me tell you why.

And S is for his massive smile; that's how much we love that guy!

T is for Terrific Tom, the best you'll ever see. Harmon starts with 'H' it's true, but Touchdown's spelled with 'T'.

U is for "unmitigated", forever paired with "gall", since Ufer first applied them to Ohio State that fall.

V is "Van", that's Dutch for "from" or "white guy who plays D." We've had our share but the best from there of course was RVB.

…it also stands for "Viking," comma, "pet of Brady Hoke." Another name for Everitt, a scary looking bloke.

W I leave to you say reverentially. He had a better year than Peyton, evidentially.

X is that one empty seat, for what is writ upon it. Each year we save a bench for Fritz and the wings upon our bonnet.

Y can only be one guy unless you are insane. He built this program and its house; the barn now bears his name.

Z took time to get to, the reason that that is: Zoltan Mesko punted it in two thousand and six.

Notes & Errata:

*I had classes with both brothers—I'm the year between them in age—and they're both incredibly nice guys I enjoy giving crap to. I didn't know Tim Brackens; he's an innocent victim.

** The 1942 line was called the "Seven Oaks Post."

† …in 1985 to beat Ohio State.

Rules are keep the rhyming scheme. I give myself diarist of the week because apparently M-Wolverine is catching up to me.

Your moment of zen:


Hokepoints: The Big Ten Has a Problem

Hokepoints: The Big Ten Has a Problem

Submitted by Seth on February 12th, 2013 at 9:08 AM

It is a day after National Signing Day and the Big Ten has inked yet another lackluster group of mostly 3-star recruits. Fearing a further drift toward mediocrity, representatives from each relevant school have secretly gathered together. Their goal:  rescuing the competitive future of their once mighty conference!

A prayer is offered to AIRBHG and thanks given unto BHGP for allowing me to rip off their format.


Scene: A little-used back room of the Palmer House in Chicago, its walls lined with trophies honoring the conference's academic achievements, and tasteful sweaters. A group of men and a duck mill about, most huddled around a smartphone showing walrus porn. One is eyeing the gilded stand lamps, apparently wondering if they're bolted down. They are watched by a shadowy figure in a ski mask. JIM DELANEY enters…

delany: The Big Ten Emergency Meeting on Recruiting Top Talent to the Midwest will now come to order. B1G T3N Divisions, ROLL CALL:

urbzangrypsuzelleraduck: Leaders!

hokebraypelinimsufatpitzkillferentzconsin: Legends!

delany: Dammit Barry.

consin: Leaders!

delany: I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our two newest members, Notre Dame and Texas.

knight: Hark, fair commissariat, thou speakest in error, for surely thou didst mean mineself and mine good compatriot of Mary's land.

terppppp: I can get my parking validated right?

delany: Unh, right. Good afternoon.

terpppppknight: Good afternoon.

hokebray: Championships!

terppppp: What's he saying?

delany: It's the…no, Brady we're not doing the thing.


knight: Undoubtedly the stout knave is expecting some manner of riposte.

[More. Oh so much more, after the JUMP!]