This Week in Terrible Purdue Rap

This Week in Terrible Purdue Rap

Submitted by BiSB on August 22nd, 2013 at 9:43 AM

Typically this column tries to grab a cross-section of the happenings of social media. But sometimes an event is so all-encompassing that we can’t look away. No matter how hard we try to move on, a big ol’ train wreck will always grab and hold our attention. Fortunately, this one comes with actual trains:

[NOTE: The magic men behind this video have been trying desperately to pull these videos down as fast as we can bring them up, so if it gets pulled down, don’t worry. The Internet never forgets.]

There are just so many things going on here. Matt Painter makes a half-assed cameo. They attempt to rhyme “outdone” with “Boiler Up” (among about thirty other failed rhymes). The Lonely Island beat. The guy in the tuxedo. The overreliance on the inherent awesomeness of having a big drum. The sunglasses. The lyrics. Ooooooh, the lyrics.

As you can imagine, many people have put in their two cents on the topic. Among the suggested reading:

  • Sports Illustrated transcribed the lyrics, and in doing so realized half-way through that they were doing the work of the devil.
  • Purdue blog Hammer and Rails created a breakdown pointing out a number of factual inaccuracies, as well as to the general WTFness.
  • Spencer Hall over at EDSBS provided a helpful how-to guide for making team-themed music videos. The takeaway: don’t.
  • Adam Jacobi at Black Hearts Gold Pants showed how Kirk Ferentz would have thrown down, which… just read it.

The only remaining question is where exactly this video falls in the Pantheon of the Pathetic. Let’s take a brief run through the history of terrible team tunes:

[AFTER THE JUMP: Yes, of course there will be Freekbass.]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on August 15th, 2013 at 9:36 AM

Programming Notes

Football season is upon us, and with the end of OT season it seems like about time to put This Week in the Twitterverse on the shelf for a while. We’ve got a few ideas as to its replacement, but I’m open to suggestions as well.

Also, you may notice that the name on the dog-tag has changed. Given the number of Brians/Bryans/Bhrayinz working around these parts nowadays, I figured it might reduce some confusion if I peeked half-way out of the name closet, especially since I haven’t been in South Bend for a couple of years.  Don’t worry, I’m still a football-playing golden retriever writing based on the promise of delicious noms.

Now... ON TO THE TWITTERVERSE

Social Commitments

I’m sure you all saw last week that Jared Wangler announced that he would become the 38th* Wangler to play football at Michigan. But one of the interesting things about it was that he announced it via Vine.

This is a very encouraging development. No frills, no long lingering build-up, no reach-for-this-hat-fake-grab-that-hat-SURPRISE-I’m-wearing-a-Florida-elbow-pad. Derrick Green’s principal talked for like 20 minutes. I think Cullen Christian’s announcement is still ongoing. Wangler took exactly six seconds. Done and done. This was the 12-minute wedding ceremony of football announcements.

In that vein, it’s only logical that more recruits should commit via various social media outlets. And I have a few suggestions, based on the school you’re planning to choose.

  • Alabama - YouTube. In fact, 2014 WR commit Derek Kief already did so. So feel free to post your commitment, but be warned: it may be pulled down by the platform at any time based on the flimsiest of reasons, including the ambiguous "violation of the Terms of Service." You will have no recourse.
  • Nebraska - Instagram Video. It’s like Vine, but it’s 15 seconds long, so you get an extra nine seconds of your life before Bo Pelini starts yelling at you about the size and color of your ears or whatever is pissing him off today.
  • Ohio State - Regular Instagram. Buckeye players are kinda video-averse these days for some reason. Plus you can use cool filters like “black-and-white security footage.”
  • MSU - iTunes. Rap game. Spartan fo life. Fo fo life.
  • Penn State - Vine. But you can only use the first 4 seconds. It’s actually in the NCAA sanctions. Look it up.
  • Notre Dame - Christian Mingle. "I found Touchdown Jesus's match for me..."
  • Maryland - MySpace. Nothing screams "wait... people still do that? What are you thinking? No one will ever see you there" like MySpace.
  • Northwestern - LinkedIn . Networking is a lifelong pursuit, people.
  • Kentucky - Google Plus.   A platform that, while tied into the biggest name in the game, is only a peripheral member of that association which is smirked at by the rest of the empire, still kinda sucks, and you know isn't going to succeed long-term? Sounds like Kentucky to me.
  • Iowa - Manual Typewriter. Kirk Ferentz doesn’t approve of the internet. Or computers. Or the forward pass.
  • Purdue - WebMD. "I've decided to play my four years at Purdue." / "TOP RESULTS: Torn Anterior Cruciate Ligament." / "But my knee doesn't feel... oh, there it is."
  • Ole Miss PayPal. Oh, no reason. No reason at all.

*Estimate. Exact figures are unavailable.

[AFTER THE JUMP: Jay Bilas sees hypocrisy. Twitter is sees the future. Sparty doesn’t see what’s in front of him.]

 

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on August 1st, 2013 at 9:12 AM

Aaaaand we’re back. And we’re done with the ennui stuff. Mostly. More on that in a bit. But for now, we return to the decidedly more upbeat world of social media. As usual, if you come across anything that you think deserves a spot here, send it to @Bry_Mac. Or just find me on the blog. I’ll be the football-playing golden retriever.

Meta

Just when everything was going right for the Maize and Blue, a bombshell. Michigan has once again been thrust into the harrowing and unpredictable world of NCAA violations. And this time, the violations come from the very top of the Twitterverse.

That was Twitter CEO and Michigan uber-fan Dick Costolo sharing either a congratulations or a simple comment of amazement on the commitment of George Campbell. The problem was that he replied directly to Campbell and Wilton Speight, which you loyal TWIT readers recognize as an NCAA no-no. Now, this happens all the time, so while it is technically a violation, I’m sure it won’t get very much attention… except for here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and holy crap how can this return 2000 results?

We’re on thin ice here, so Mr. Costolo, if you’re reading this, (a) I know it’s dumb as all get-out but you probably shouldn’t do this again, and (b) HOLY CRAP DICK COSTOLO READS MGOBLOG. Mind staying for an interview? We can order pizza. It’ll be fun.

Don’t worry, though. Ohio State may be equally screwed. You see, their newest commit, Demetrius Knox, has been a long-time Buckeye fan, and as such he has been posting for a long time on the Eleven Warriors forum. J’accuse! The posters communicating with him have been unknowingly violating NCAA strictures for months, if not years. It’s such a problem that they literally have to ostracize the kid.

Meanwhile, Bob Stoops becomes the latest coach to actively encourage fans to tweet recruits.

"That's something that's becoming a part of it," said Stoops when asked if he had concerns about fans contacting recruits on Twitter. "We may hire you to govern our social media with the fans… I'm not kidding," he said. Once things get rolling, it's not stopping."

So wait a minute: Stoops is just openly telling fans to contact recruits on Twitter? Something even OU's own compliance department frowns upon?

"I'm pretty sure that's what it means," said Stoops. "You hear that OU fans? We have to get on board."

 

This is on the heels of Vandy coach James Franklin condoning it. And yet THIS isn’t a violation. Orchestrating innumerable violations is not itself a violation. I guess what I’m saying is O’BANNON RULES.

GRIII doing GRIII things

Submitted without comment. Because I can’t words.

[After the jump: SAVAGES!!!]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on July 18th, 2013 at 7:32 AM

We’re back from last week’s foray into the Pit of Despair. Unfortunately for you, I’m on vacation next week, so you’ll get Round Two of the search for the height of ennui. And I think it will be harder to stomach than the first bunch. Armanti Edwards will feature prominently, as will Rich Rodriguez. Just remember: this will hurt me more than it will hurt you. In the meantime, as usual if you come across any social media happenings worth noting, send them to @Bry_Mac.

Michigan rules the Twitterverse

A Michigan Man remains connected to his community. Very connected.

MichiganFootball

(via Business Insider)

Michigan football (@umichfootball) is the most followed official team account in college athletics. Michigan basketball (@umichbball) is the fifth most followed official team account in college athletics. Between the two accounts, they have, uh… math… a lot of followers. Like thousands. So bravo to Michigan’s digital media folks. I award you one (1) Internet.  Michigan State’s football and basketball accounts are next in the B1G at #13 and #15, respectively. I guess the rest of the conference really needs to get its crap together. /Urban’d

Reporters suspect college student may have gotten drunk and slept in one time

Johnny Manziel was in the news this week when he was reportedly sent home from the Many Manning Men Passing Camp for showing up late and hung over. The whole topic has been done to death, so I don't really want to talk about it, but there is one reaction worth noting. Mark May has had enough of Johnny Football's disgraceful actions, and isn't afraid to say so.

You may think "SHAME TO THE GAME" is a little harsh, but you've gotta respect a guy who won't tolerate people disregarding the social norms while purporting to represent the greater football community...

...anymore.

May1979MayDUI

(H/T to A&M’s SB Nation site, Good Bull Hunting, on the find)

In case you missed the fun part of that, May was charged during his college days with, among other things, "inciting to riot" and "terroristic threats." He apparently went on a Will Campbell hood-destroying escapade, except that BWC's shenanigans were cheeky and fun while May's shenanigans were, to use a technical legal term, "light terrorism." Some people (read: all people) might think this makes Mark May look like a gigantic hypocrite when he gets all huffy when a college student shows up to something hung over. But May responded, pointing out that (a) only people who have DONE bad things can CRITIQUE bad things, and (b) f*** your punctuation and logic.

Hard to disagree with that kind of logic, because by the time you find the logic, it’s next Tuesday and we’ve moved on to other things. It's worth noting that he hasn't tweeted a single thing about Aaron Hernandez or Jeremy Hill, and I haven't seen him comment publicly about them. Murder* and battery** don't bring shame to the game. That distinction falls to being a self-indulgent, self-important immature prima donna and/or typical college student (again, not a debate worth having AGAIN), because lord knows football can't survive with one of THOSE in its ranks.

*Allegedly.

**Not allegedly. He did that. That's assault, brotha (but not really, but there's no applicable Adam Sandler quote for battery so we'll just pretend).

[A jump, after which either sharks or Bacari Alexander will fall out of the sky.]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on July 3rd, 2013 at 2:33 PM

This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac.

I should be down as “@Bry_Mac plus 148,000”

Yesterday saw quite the interesting Twitter event. Michigan football's official Twitter account, @umichfootball, went private. Like a bouncer at the club, @umichfootball clicked the velvet rope tight, and they only allowed you in if you were on the uber-exclusive list of 148,600 followers of the account.

Going Private

Seventeen minutes later, things were going pretty well.

17 Minutes

And 13 minutes after that?

Trends

C’mon Twitter, you know I don’t speak Spanish

Talk about a failure. Something called #TUMHAYRANGRUPLARISALITAKIBI was trending ahead of #GoBlueVIP (Michigan football's chosen hashtag of the day). I Googled that phrase, and all it returned was, "the fingers you are using to type are too fat. Did you mean to search Special typing wand?" STEP UP YOUR GAME, super special @umichfootball follower people.

Still, for a college team to be trending worldwide on a Tuesday morning is pretty impressive, so you're probably wondering what they did to generate that kind of interest. Fear not, intrepid reader, for I have chosen to break all manner of local ordinance, state and federal law, Twitter mandate, and mattress tag proscription to bring you a minute by minute accounting of this private event. I may have to go Snowden for sharing this information, but that’s how I roll. Among the high points:

----------------

10:05 AM: Peewee Pipkins did his Hoke impression.

10:07 AM: Peewee Pipkins ran the stadium stairs for the remainder of the event

10:20 AM: A question-and-non-committal-answer session with Brady Hoke. A short sampling:

Q: What are the strengths of the team you have coming back?

HOKE: Welllllllll, we had several areas in which we executed pretty well, so we need to build on those. Beyond that, it's about performing and playing Michigan football in all phases of the game. Effort. Intensity. Gumption. Verve.

 

Q: What does the team need to do to improve over last season?

HOKE: Welllllllll, we had some areas in which we didn't execute, so we need to shore those up. Beyond that, it's about performing and playing Michigan football in all phases of the game. Effort. Intensity. Gumption. Verve.

 

Q: Coach, how's the team's health?

HOKE: We've got some boo-boos, a couple of ouchies, two recurring walk-it-offs, and a particularly nasty rub-some-dirt-on-it. We'll be fine. Next man up. Chick dig scars

 

Q: Can you give us an idea of how the depth chart will pan out?

HOKE: We've got a few guys, so we'll really know once we get the pads on in August. It's an open competition. The best player will play, regardless of age or experience.

 

Q: But surely you know a few positions already. Quarterback?

HOKE: Wait until fall. Open competition. Best man.

 

Q: C'mon, man. Left Tackle?

HOKE: Did I stutter? WAIT UNTIL FALL OPEN COMPETITION BEST MAN.

 

Q: Any update on Will Hagerup?

/Twitter shuts down

10:45 AM: Roy Manning posted a series of Instagram photos of Brady Hoke pointing at stuff.

11:20 AM: Greg Mattison gave a podcast lecture on the finer points of defending 4-verts out of a 4-3 under set. Don't even pretend you understood what he was saying. The takeaway seemed to be "to defend 4-verts out of a 4-3 under, be Greg Mattison or hire someone who is Greg Mattison."

12:00 PM: One randomly selected person won the chance to hold Brady Hoke's headset cord during an upcoming game (granted, this probably would have been a cooler giveaway under prior regimes)

1:20 PM: We saw a series of Vines of Taylor Lewan battling assorted animals. He took it to the black bear, but the moose fought him to a stalemate. Needless to say the donkey reps were pretty one-sided.

2:30 PM: We heard the debut performance by the OMG Shirtless Michigan Bell Choir. They played Carol of the Bells by Leontovych and Keep Their Heads Ringin' by Dre.

OMG Bell Choir

3:15 PM: Coach Hecklinski crank called Mark Dantonio pretending to be an elite recruit interested in committing to Michigan State, but only if Dantonio would sing The Victors while hopping on one foot. Sure it was mean, but Dantonio should have seen through this ruse. After all... elite recruit.

----------------

Good times, man. Goooooood times.

Darned media

Dan Dakich has been known to be a little headstrong on Twitter, and this week was no exception. If you follow Dakich, you probably know that he enjoys a role as something of a media-critic-in-media, which is pretty fertile ground these days (if you don’t believe me, do a news search for ‘Aaron Hernandez and Urban Meyer’ or ‘Aaron Hernandez and Bill Belichick’). However, a recent Indiana University Sports Communication grad named Tony Adragna noticed the somewhat odd dichotomy that Dakich attacked “the Media” while being very much a part of “the Media,” and made a rather innocuous comment to that effect.

Adragna

Notice the guy didn’t use Dakich’s Twitter handle, so he wasn’t actively trying to engage him in a fight. However, being a noted own-name-searcher, Dakich found the comment and responded on air. Awful Announcing has a nice summary of how things escalated, but the bottom line is that Dakich sorta threatened to blackball this poor kid from IU broadcast media:

And in fact, if you do something stupid enough I know the head of NBC, I know the head of ESPN, I know the head of CBS Sports.  You want to get into that, all I gotta do is make one phone call and you're done.

And then, for some unknown reason, Dakich invited Adragna to co-host a radio show with him on his Indianapolis-based radio show. The kid accepted the offer and co-hosted yesterday, and Dakich gave him high marks:

Dakich

I’ll let everyone draw his or her own conclusion about who acted well and who acted dickishly in this whole ordeal, but I think we can agree that if Dakich’s intention was really to discourage Twitter sniping of his character, holly hell did he do a terrible job of it. In fact, if you’re an IU grad looking to get into broadcasting, the best advice I can give you right now is to try to tweak Dakich. It seems to have given one kid’s career a nice little bump.

Honor among thieves

Not much is sacred in the rivalry between Michigan and Ohio State. The schools don't even refer to each other by their actual names. But some things have always been over the line, such as this guy, who has been retweeting stuff from Steve Lorenz that Steve obviously never said. Like this:

And this:

There's trolling, then there's libel. This, folks, is the latter. I encourage thee to report this gentleman for spam. I also congratulate him, @AthletesInSpace, on being named the TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK. May your account be suspended, may your dog poop in your shoes, and may you mistake the salt for the sugar the next time you bake a pie.

Nothing to see here folks. Also, don’t look over there.

For those who aren’t regular readers of this column, (a) WHY, and (b) you might not be familiar with the saga of Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze. Long story short, back in February he challenged people accusing his program of impropriety to provide evidence or shut their yaps. Predictably, people emailed alleged proof, and a reporter FOIAed those emails. Yesterday Ole Miss told the Clarion-Ledger (a Mississippi paper) that they had concluded their review of those emails, and had concluded that none of them pointed to any NCAA violations.

The only problem with this self-congratulatory declaration of victory: Ole Miss only disclosed about two thirds of the emails they received. One of the reasons they gave was that “the NCAA requires institutions to keep information confidential while the matters are being examined.” In other words, they found no NCAA violations in these things, but they are still being examined by the NCAA or the school for potential violations. Ooooookay.

They also refused to disclose the emails because doing so would have a “chilling effect on future sources of information, thus frustrating our compliance and enforcement efforts.” I’m a lawyer with a pretty solid handle on typical FOIA-type laws, and I have no idea what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a thing. They’re refusing to disclose emails that were sent to you by someone who intended to expose behavior on the grounds that by making that information public they would disincentivize future whistleblowing? Looks like someone needs to retake Gordon Gee’s Claim Everything Is Covered By FERPA 101.

The derp will be televised

Storming the field is a dumbass idea. You WILL be caught, you WILL be arrested, and there’s a non-zero chance that you will get absolutely owned. But with that said, if you’re going to be stupid, at least be creative. For example, the three girls who so annoyingly rushed the field in the 8th inning of a College World Series game at least had the decency to create a (since deleted) Vine of the incident. All that remain in the public record are a couple of stills from their escapade:

Selfie1Selfie2

Like that machine in Twister, perhaps we need data from INSIDE the field-storm to understand why people do this stupid crap. And only by learning can we hope to prevent. Also, you might get proof that you were tackled by one of the cops from Reno 911.

Decided wardrobe advantage

Charlie Weis sent out this Vine of the Jayhawks’ new uniforms for next season:

But it’s Kansas, so does it really matter? It’s just a question of what these guys are going to look like on Sportscenter trying unsuccessfully to chase down players from other, more talented teams.

This Week in the Twitterverse: Anniversary Edition

This Week in the Twitterverse: Anniversary Edition

Submitted by BiSB on June 27th, 2013 at 9:57 AM

This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac.

 

As of today, I have been married to my lovely wife, Mrs. BiSB (also known as WiSB or J_Mac, but not really), for exactly four years. In that spirit, I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learned in those years, in hopes that my wisdom may save you from some of my missteps.

Your stupidity is noticed, stupid.

When you screw up (and you WILL screw up), you may not always get called on it. You ignored a request to refrain from peeing in the sink  put some pants on, dammit, we have company do the dishes, or you come home from your "quick drink after work" at 2:00 a.m. with a concussion, wearing a loin cloth and reeking of ouzo, and your significant other lets it slide. "I'm a wizard," you think to yourself. "I should rob banks. Or the Louvre." You see, you confused a patient and tolerant person with someone who didn't mind. Turns out, humans tend to notice and respond to stimuli. You are unknowingly making withdrawals from the First National Bank of Spousal Patience, and you never know when your balance will hit zero and crap will hit the fan. To wit:

McKenzie

As we have discussed many times, people send stupid tweets to recruits all the time. The recruits usually don't respond, so the morons tweeting them probably assume either (a) no one notices or cares, or (b) they need to up their trolling game to break through the noise. Turns out, they are just making their respective schools look bad. Shai Mckenzie had a since-deleted back-and-forth with one such Pitt fan, and as a result he’s not feeling the love. I don’t know if he decided to cancel the visit (it was scheduled for today), but needless to say that if you were the fan who cost your team a 4-star running back, your day will not be good.

Sometimes a little space is a good thing

If you've been in a relationship for a long time, you probably enjoy spending time together. Regardless, a little "me time" is a healthy thing for both of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you don't need to share your every thought and every waking moment with your paramour. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Omnipresence makes you this dude:

Turner

Kentucky has jumped to the front of the Inappropriate Twitter Stalkers parade, and this guy is out front waving a Big Blue baton. As you can probably guess, those are all recruits (including Jamarco Jones, who is most decidedly not considering Kentucky anymore). It isn't even that he contacts recruits. It's how OFTEN he's contacting recruits. And what he's saying to them. And how it seems to be the SOLE REASON he has a Twitter account. And... Jeebus, read that feed. He’s mentioned TJ Harrell nearly 50 times in the last two weeks alone. So, based on quantity, quality, use of exclamation points, and overall lack of self-awareness, I declare you, John Turner, to be the TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK. This is only the second time I have given this award, so cherish it, BBN hero.

[After the jump, your friends may be on your side, but that doesn't mean they're "helping"]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on June 20th, 2013 at 10:08 AM

This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac.

So… how’s things?

It finally happened. We ran out of things to talk about.

I'm not saying we've covered most of the ground worth covering. Or that we've discussed all the interesting topics of the day. I'm saying that we have literally exhausted all topics of rational communication. You want proof? This was the national media on Tuesday:

CNN

Via

Bayless

Via

We've crossed the Rubicon into the land of blather. What’s worse, we've still got ten weeks to go before the season kicks off, and six weeks before we even get to fall camp. Even pro basketball and hockey will be over in a matter of days, and we'll be left all alone with baseball and our thoughts. This is gonna suck.

This is also a very dangerous time for student athletes; screw something up, and it'll be talked about for weeks. Case in point, Johnny Manziel. Senor Juanito del Futbol lashed out publicly and viciously against his adopted town of College Station, and basically threatened to bail.

Manziel College Station

Manziel obviously had some kind of blowout with the coaching staff, or a teammate, or the A&M administration, or a roving band of Vikings or something. 

Or he was pissed about a parking ticket. Yep, Johnny was nailed for parking the wrong way on the street in front of his house and having overly tinted windows. If everyone had known this from the beginning, we would have responded with the far more appropriate "MANZEEL BREAKS LAWS AND DOESN'T RESPECT AUTHORITAH" outrage, instead of the “OMG MANZEEL IS A CANCER TO TEH TEAM” outrage. But you have to feel a little bad for Manziel; everything the kid does is scrutinized so closely, and people assume the most outlandish interpretation of everything he does unless otherwise noted. If Twitter had been around when I was in college, I would probably have been investigated by Homeland Security for my threats to “blow Ann Arbor off the face of the planet, you meter-hawking bastards.”

[After the jump, another recruit does a Treadwell.]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on June 13th, 2013 at 8:44 AM

This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac

Da’Shaudenfreude denied

The (fourth of like eleven steps toward the) Handpocalypse is nigh, and Michigan fans are joyous. The Victors Valiant are among Da'Shawn Hand's top three, and presumed co-frontrunner Virginia Tech was, shockingly, not. There has been much red wine sipping and golf-clapping. The finest cheese plates have been prepared, and nary a glee club sits silent.

But lo, while this son of Virginia has brought sunshine to our glorious summer, fresh snows have fallen unto the winter of Blacksburg's discontent. And if there is one thing we know about recruiting, it's that fans can't help themselves when this kind of thing happens. They flock like the swallows of Capistrano to the intertubes and share their angst with the wind. So, let's check in on these poor Hokies as they rage against the dying of the light:

Hand1

Like always, these grown men have no perspective, and are berating an innocent...wait, wut?

Hand2Hand3

Hand4Hand5

Seriously, THIS is the worst thing I found:

Hand6

Bravo, Hokies. Other than the whole “tweeting at recruits” thing we talk about every week (to summarize: DON’T), this is pretty good behavior. I don't know if this is because you guys actually have some perspective, or because Da'Shawn Hand lives near you and he could consume your soul and shed a double-team at the same time. Either way, I applaud your reasonable and measured response, especially given how big a gut-punch this must have been.

Maybe we've turned a corner on the Internet, and from now on we oh, never mind, here's a bunch of people being racist about a Mexican-American kid singing the national anthem before NBA Finals Game 3.

Didn't we almost have it all, Twitter...

[ed-S: After the break: APR scores released, Michigan rivals hail attendance-based metric, fail at algebra and reading comprehension]

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on May 30th, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Pork and Beef

This week, possibly in response to Mitch McGary’s fabulous work on Instagram, the football team pretty much decided to made the un-moving pictures their donkey. And per Brian’s instructions, we begin once again with Dr. Hamlet III:

Hamlet

And since I’ve been making an effort to be more informative and less snarky, this presents an opportunity to analyze the…

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.
  • It's really easy to get into Michigan's Med School if you're a legacy, and even easier if you're a second-generation legacy.
  • P1G, like the B1G, seems to have the most success with small bowls.
  • If Lewan had ONE more season in Ann Arbor, I'm pretty sure we'd see this at some point next offseason:

WeBoughtAPig

Before that, though, several members of the offense took last week’s ManBearCrombie to the next level, and presented us with an overload of OMG Shirtless:

OMG Shirtless

NOT PICTURED: weakness of any kind

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • Adidas apparently makes all of Michigan's workout apparel, too, and like the rest of the Adidas stuff it all fell apart and left the athletes shirtless. New shirts will probably be delivered by early December.
  • Michigan's football team, despite their shoes, can receive no service. They can't figure out why.
  • If you want, you can play tic-tac-toe on Taylor Lewan's shoulder (PROTIP: The only winning move is not to play).
  • Sione Houma may or may not be Tongan Steve Breaston.
  • Fitz Toussaint once killed a velociraptor.
  • Michigan's offense is composed of very large men. And Jeremy Gallon.

Your parody account is bad and you should feel bad

Most of you have probably heard of a young man from Grand Rapids named Drake Harris. Mr. Harris said a while back that he would spend a few years at Michigan State playing kicky-throwy ball AND dribbly-shooty ball, but then he changed his mind about the dribbly-shooty part and decided to play his kicky-throwy ball at Michigan. This did not go over well in East Lansing, and elicited a pile of the usual Twitter crap. But that was six weeks ago, so the iron has cooled considerably.

But don’t tell that to the creator of what is almost certainly the worst parody account in the history of mimicry:

DrakeHarrisEgo4

DrakeHarrisEgo1

DrakeHarrisEgo2

Yep, it’s an account dedicated to Drake Harris’s Ego, which Sparty* believes to be a thing. Setting aside the fact that this guy created an account mocking a kid, this is just a terrible account. First, I don’t think he knows what “ego” means. But more importantly, he failed to meet the first (and really the only) rule of parody accounts: they are supposed to be funny.  I mean, objectively speaking, who is going to find that funny?

DrakeHarrisEgo3

Oh, hey there one time Michigan State commit and current UCLA Bruin offensive lineman Caleb Benenoch. To summarize: a guy who decommitted from State loves that there is an account dedicated to the ego demonstrated by a guy who decommitted from State. I can’t even begin to unwrap the Spartyness of this tweet. It’s like a mobius strip of Spartyfreude; it just folds back into itself until you don’t know where you started but god this thing is nifty.

*And yes, this was the doing of Sparty. A confirmed State fan created the account, and then allegedly turned over control to someone else. I won’t out the creator, but mostly because I don’t feel like chasing down the details because I don’t much care.

Speaking of things about which you should feel bad

In related Drake Harris news, he continues to catch crap on Twitter for choosing a college, including a concerted effort from one guy in particular who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “boundaries.” Harris finally called him on it:

Drake Harris Old Dude

Sure enough, I looked through Doug E. Fresh’s Tweets, and an uncomfortable percentage of them are to Drake Harris. Add in the alleged Facebook stalking, and we’ve got ourselves a Stage 5 Clinger. And then there’s the text of the message itself, in which this guy blames Harris for all of the hate he’s receiving because he’s “living with the consequences” of his decisions. It’s your classic “he was asking for it” defense, except here the “asking for it” was in the form of “selected an institution of higher education.”

This should serve as a reminder to the scores of you who still contact recruits through social media that it is a terrible, terrible idea, and not just because of the creepiness factor. They might see your comments, call you out, and make you look like a maroon in front of the whole internet. This guy is a real estate agent who uses his name and business information in his Twitter profile. And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan, as do people who don’t like being creeped the hell out by awkward people. So, congratulations, Mr. Ditmar, I dub thee TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK.**

**This name probably won’t stick. Also this probably won’t be a regular thing.

[ED:BiSB - The purpose of this section was not to encourage people to seek retribution. People should not attempt to contact or further escalate the situation. Let the Universe unfold of its own accord.]

[/Insert words here]

I don’t want to talk about this. But I think you have to see it, so… here it is. Warning: it’s slightly Not Safe For Breakfast.

Vrabel

(H/T @LandGrant33, and by H/T I mean Y U HATE MY EYES?)

Bucknuts. That is all.

Car washings is serious business

NCAA rules are dumb. But until now, we didn’t know just how dumb:

NCAA Violations

Yup, a University had to report a secondary violation because an athlete washed her car with University water. According to Lost Lettermen, the full story is about as dumb as you would expect:

A WCC school self-reported an extra benefits violation to the NCAA when university officials caught one of their women’s golfers washing her car on campus, according to the source. The NCAA ruled a secondary violation had occurred because the water was not available to regular students and demanded the golfer pay back $20, which was deemed to be the value of the water and use of the hose.”

It was a violation because the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT. And she had to PAY $20 because the hose wasn’t available to the general student body. In other words, this thing that is generally unavailable to the general student body is fine:

Ross Academic Center

Ross Academic Center

And this will lead us slouching to SMU:

Water Hose

Hose

Once again, fine:

Pryor Corvette

Suspect:

Pryor Bucket

Save us Obi-Wan KenO’Bannon. You’re our only hope.

(NOTE: the second violation, while less funny, is probably worse. How can someone make some kind of impermissible contact with a recruit when he doesn’t  know who he is talking to? We lawyer types call that “mens rea.” Everyone else calls it “holy itchy Gold Bond balls, use some common sense you ridiculous tools”)

Ohio: Worst State Ever, but improving?

The University of Cincinnati baseball team had a rough year, finishing just 6-18 in Big East play, which is probably because baseball isn't any of the players' first loves. They were born to be swimmers:

medieval jousters;

or explorers, Roman emperors, big game hunters, or… well, swimmers again. These gentlemen will be going professional in something other than sports. Unless that swimming thing works out, in which case that'd be sports.

Rock Bottom Update

Look, Amanda, you seem like a nice girl and all, certain amazing but somewhat NSFW headlines notwithstanding. But this is about the point in your life when you are going to want to reconsider some stuff.

Marshall Henderson

This Week in the Twitterverse

This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on May 23rd, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Cracks in Fort Schembechler

This week we got a couple of very short glimpses into the otherwise locked-down existence of Michigan football. Normally under the current regime, we don't hear or see much of anything between the end of Spring ball and the beginning of fall practice unless a player is hit by a meteor (i.e. "suffered some off-season setbacks"), gets arrested ("has some learning to do"), or gets frozen in carbonite ("has struggled to get in game shape"). So when you get six seconds of live-action footage, YOU TAKE IT.

Enter: Devin Gardner's Vine account.

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • Fitz still has two legs. Those legs can support the weight of a human being as that human being does various physical activities. MEDICAL SCIENCE: HOW DOES IT WORK?
  • Fitz has some dance moves. I have no idea what kind of moves, mind you... but they are moves nonetheless.
  • Jeremy Gallon hates shirts
  • Gallon's cloaking device still works, and is so now effective that the coaches have insisted that he carry a bell around with him so he can't sneak up on people anymore.

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • If you hang around on State Street long enough, Blake Countess and Devin Gardner will entertain you.
  • Countess can do a standing back-handspring back-tuck.
  • When Countess does a standing back-handspring back-tuck, I try to spot him through the computer screen so he won’t get hurt.
  • Most urgently, the only logical explanation for this video is that the surgeons must have botched Blake Countess's surgery. It's kinda like Rookie of the Year, except instead of gaining a wicked fastball, Countess has lost the ability to backpedal. The only way he can move backwards is through some combination of back handsprings and back tucks. And sure, that might work on short and intermediate routes, but what of the deep ball? Even if he gets back there, he'll be too dizzy to make a play on the ball. No, no, no, this is all wrong.

[Side note: Countess is not the first Michigan football player with some gymnastics skillz. Brandon Graham was once a guest judge for the UofM Women's Gymnastics team's intra-squad scrimmage, and as part of that event he put together a video of himself doing some legitimate tumbling. If anyone has this video, you are needed at the Youtube. Also, it confirms Bo's lesser-known mantra that Those Who Do Gymnastics Will Be Really Good Defensive Players]

[ED: Ace has located additional backflip footage of Kenny Demens and Brandon Graham from Mock Rock 2009, starting at 2:00

]

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