Unverified Voracity Throws Some First Down Markers, As Per Tradition

Unverified Voracity Throws Some First Down Markers, As Per Tradition Comment Count

Brian November 20th, 2018 at 3:02 PM

Sponsor note. Let's say you've got some nice first down markers. Got a big X on them. Some orange bits, a pole. You know: the real nice stuff. And let's just say an absurd person gets so angry about something completely unrelated to your markers that he tears them up! You know, hypothetically.

Well, what then? Well, do you have any contracts that might stipulate monetary penalties for this gentleman? No? Do you regret that? Yes? Maybe you should have called Richard Hoeg.

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Yes, even though Richard Hoeg was an infant(ish) during this hypothetical event, he may have craftily crafted a legal framework that would allow you to recoup your first down marker costs. Or anything else related to your small business of standing on the sideline with a down marker and something about police horses.

Call today! Or maybe next week, we're all hyperventilating quite hard right now.

A lunatic. Woody Hayes at the end of the Game in 1971:

At the link above MVictors has handily gif'd crucial portions of Hayes's meltdown that you can send to loved ones during moments of crisis. Need to remind your brother-in-law that he may be a grown-ass man but he's got the emotional stability of a toddler who missed his nap? There you go.

Ohio State's current coach has a slightly different approach:

There needs to be an equivalent of the Vince McMahon gif that's just smash cuts to increasingly distressed versions of Meyer culminating in that.

A smooth operator. Bill Bonds fulminates about the overweening importance of The Game, and you know what? He's right.

[After THE JUMP: Don Brown! Luke Yaklich! THE BROTHERS KARA-NAH-SOV]

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Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Penn State

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Penn State Comment Count

Brian November 9th, 2018 at 1:36 PM
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image-6_thumb_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thu[1]SPONSOR NOTE: Reminder that Matt is hanging out at the Charity Tailgate at 327 East Hoover (if you were at the preseason MGoEvents this year and last it's the same place). It's right next to the train tracks on Hoover. The band goes right by it on their way to the stadium, which is cool. Say hi.

When not tailgating Matt is also a person who will get you a mortgage right quick from the comfort of your own home.

FORMATION NOTES: Michigan stuck to the four man front for almost the whole game, with just a few attempts to play a 3-3-5. The Rush package remains unchanged after Gary's return. Michigan did have some exotics, one a 3-1-7(!) alignment with two vipers and Bush out there on third and ten. This was the Glasgow sack.

SUBSTITUTION NOTES: Massive rotation across the front with even Chase Winovich bowing out on occasion. Gary's return and his absence from the rush package amped up a rotation that is ten guys deep now: Gary, Winovich, Mone, Kemp, Paye, Marshall, Solomon, Dwumfour, Uche and Hutchinson (sort of). As a result everyone save Winovich saw maybe half of Michigan's snaps. Also Donovan Jeter got in late.

LB was the standard: Bush and Hudson all the time, Ross and Gil splitting WLB snaps with Ross having an edge, and assorted cameos from Glasgow and Furbush. Ditto the secondary. Woods was the only backup S to get in, interestingly.

[After THE JUMP: the lamentation of their message boards]

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I Don't Hate Your Corpse Any Less And I Don't Want Store Credit

I Don't Hate Your Corpse Any Less And I Don't Want Store Credit Comment Count

Brian November 5th, 2018 at 1:16 PM

11/3/2018 – Michigan 42, Penn State 7 – 8-1, 6-0 Big Ten

The jarring thing was this: they didn't seem drunk. There were two dudes crossing Stadium at about the same time I did, and they were not drunk, and they were singing something very loud. It was a faintly familiar verse, the kind of thing that tickles the back of your brain and, if left unaddressed, leads to the kind of frantic wikipedia search that either relieves you of your memory burden or leaves you staring at a list of defenestrations, wondering which rabbit holes you'd fallen through to arrive at this place.

Fortunately(?) this was not required. The verse led into a chorus that is intimately familiar to anyone who is extremely online. It culminated, with elaborate hand gestures. It was beefy, hammy. You may already hear this in your head: "GIVE ME YOUR HEART, make it real, OR ELSE FORGET ABOUT IT."

Across the street, people booed. They were being Smooth-rolled. It seemed like they'd just parted, and this was a parting shot. As I veered off onto the side street that held my car the dudes chortled to each other, victorious.

This was not a black pit. It was… it was a brightly lit mesa of trolling your friends with Santana/Robb Thomas collaborations.

Nine weeks ago those guys were not merrily inflicting music-type substances on their friends. They were sitting in a dark basement, saying nothing, grateful that the other guy had enough damned sense to say nothing. When the moon rose the men silently, separately resolved to destroy it.

------------------------------------

Elsewhere: fulminations. Jim Harbaugh challenged a fourth down catch with three minutes left in a 42-0 game, causing the "harbaugh class" search to disgorge great heaps of rotted fish onto the internet. Penn State scored on that drive, so the camera had cause to cut to a defensive coordinator in the process of holding a ranked opponent under 200 yards for the third straight game. This is what he looked like:

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He looked grim. Disappointed. 58 minutes of wholesale obliteration was not enough. Don Brown is a hater.

Don Brown keeps receipts. In the run-up to this game he and his players repeatedly mentioned Penn State running plays up 42-13 with under 40 seconds left, and how that stuck with them. Brown didn't send his second team line out until the last gasps, and film review will be hell for them this week.

Donovan Peoples-Jones keeps receipts, and increases the volume of his hatin-ass touchdown celebrations weekly. He will fire the cannon if when he scores against Rutgers.

Chase Winovich keeps receipts, and will tell anyone that yes, that is our little brother, and yes, this is our revenge tour, and yes he very respectfully stole Trace McSorley's celebration and he's apologizing for nothing.

Rashan Gary keeps receipts. He keeps them on his face.

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[Fuller]

Rashan Gary's mom keeps receipts. Some of you on the internet are in trouble.

So yes, this is a petty team. This is an angry team. This is a petty, angry fanbase with a petty, angry DJ. Nobody is apologizing for anything. Michigan is handing out receipts itself, because it's got too damn many to deal with right now. Hold some of these along with the L.

It is time to hear the lamentation of their message boards. It is time to belt out the chorus to "Smooth" at maximum volume no matter how damaging it is to the souls around you. We've sat in the dark plotting the downfall of celestial objects for too long to have any dignity about blowing up the moon.

Someone else can be angry for a time now. Someone else can sit in the black pit of negative expectations after one drive with Michigan players pouring through the line, seemingly untouched.

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The postgame handshake between coaches was brief and seemingly cordial, but afterwards James Franklin stopped and turned back to Harbaugh. Harbaugh was already jogging into the tunnel. Franklin stared a hole in his back for a good five seconds before turning back to the field, seething. It was like the end of Lost In Translation, if Bill Murray had said something that made Scarlett Johansson into a barely-contained ragebot.

I wonder what it was. I keep inventing pettier, crueler things. The exact content is irrelevant though, because the thrust is this: we regret nothing. We have many more receipts.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

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[Upchurch]

-2535ac8789d1b499[1]you're the man now, dog

#1(t) Chase Winovich and Josh Uche. Thunderous back-to-back sacks on Penn State's opening drive set the tone, and the pressure did not stop until they got pulled late. Winovich made PFF's team of the week, nationally, and Uche probably missed largely because of snap count. Two points each, made up and don't matter.

#2(t) Jon Runyan Jr and Ben Bredeson. Very little pressure from PSU's DL and Michigan mashed their run defense with a heavy emphasis on the left side of the line.

#3 Shea Patterson. Only 17 attempts but 144 yards and 2 TDs on those attempts, plus 10 carries for 50 yards. Seemed to get pull/keep decisions right the whole day, and juked a couple guys to pick up chunks.

Honorable mention: Karan Higdon had a Chris Perry kind of day. Shea Patterson had ups and downs but his legs are now a thing. (Don't tell any DCs about that.) The OL got another collective W.

KFaTAotW Standings.

10: Chase Winovich (#1 ND, #3 SMU, #1 NW, T2 MSU, T1 PSU)
5: Karan Higdon (#1 WMU, #3 Nebraska, #3 Wisconsin), Shea Patterson (#3 WMU, #1 Maryland, #3 PSU).
4: Devin Bush(#3 ND, #1 Nebraska), Rashan Gary(#2 WMU, #2 Nebraska), David Long(#2 Wisconsin, T1 Michigan State), Josh Uche (T2 NW, T2 MSU, T1 PSU), Jon Runyan Jr (T1 Wisconsin, T2 PSU).
3: Zach Gentry(T1 SMU, #2 Maryland), Juwann Bushell-Beatty(T1 Wisconsin), Jon Runyan Jr(T1 Wisconsin), Donovan Peoples-Jones(T1 SMU, #3 MSU).
2: Ambry Thomas (#2 ND), Josh Metellus(#2 SMU), Brandon Watson(T1 MSU), Lavert Hill(T1 MSU).
1: Will Hart (#3 NW), Mike Dwumfour (T2 NW), Kwity Paye (T2 NW), Khaleke Hudson(#3 Maryland), Ben Bredeson(T2 PSU).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Brandon Watson intercepts a ball to absolutely no one, returns it for a TD, and puts the final nail in an already extensively-nailed coffin.

Honorable mention: Eight-play all-run TD drive to kick things off; Patterson finds DPJ on a throw that may indicate he's getting more comfortable; Uche and Winovich slash into the backfield; DPJ nearly brings back two punts.

image​MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

PSU escapes the shutout.

Honorable mention: Blocked FG momentarily provides PSU a touchdown. Uh… the end?

[After THE JUMP: chaos reigns]

Comments

Michigan 42, Penn State 7

Michigan 42, Penn State 7 Comment Count

Ace November 3rd, 2018 at 8:22 PM

It's fully operational.

A hale and hearty Michigan took a stumbling Penn State squad behind the woodshed until they were sure there was no movement left, then added a couple more shots for good measure. Before the Nittany Lions' Sad Touchdown Drive, PSU managed only 111 yards on 36 plays, barely cresting a three-yard average—and needing that final drive against M's backups to avoid a rushing Rutger. The Wolverines bested PSU's total yardage on the ground alone, churning out 259 yards with the rushing attack.

They were a motivated group looking to avenge last year's defeat. James Franklin's decision to run up the score stuck with this team, and they didn't shy away from mentioning that motivation afterwards.

"We wanted to make sure to turn the intensity up so there was no coming back from that," said Karan Higdon, who accounted for 132 yards and a touchdown on 20 carries.

Michigan set the tone early, sacking Trace McSorley twice on the game's opening possession, then covering 76 yards on eight runs for the game's opening score, a read keeper that got Shea Patterson into the end zone untouched from a yard out.

[Hit THE JUMP for REVENGE.]

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Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs MSU

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs MSU Comment Count

Brian October 31st, 2018 at 2:24 PM
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image-6_thumb_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thu[1]SPONSOR NOTE: Reminder that Matt is hanging out at the Charity Tailgate at 327 East Hoover (if you were at the preseason MGoEvents this year and last it's the same place). It's right next to the train tracks on Hoover. The band goes right by it on their way to the stadium, which is cool. Say hi.

When not tailgating Matt is also a person who will get you a mortgage right quick from the comfort of your own home.

FORMATION NOTES: Just one 3-3-5 snap, which didn't go so hot. Michigan is continuing with their rush package with Uche/Dwumfour/Paye/Winovich across the front, and semi-frequently went with a dime behind that. I have been filing Uche as a linebacker but I'm on the verge of calling him a DE.

SUBSTITUTION NOTES: Paye and Winovich nearly omnipresent with Hutchinson picking up a few late snaps. DT snaps got split about equally between all five contributors (Solomon, Marshall, Kemp, Mone, and Dwumfour).

Bush and Hudson omnipresent, as per usual. Ross and Gil split WLB snaps. Uche got about 20 snaps as a rush end; cameos from Furbush and Glasgow.

Secondary the usual. Long and Hill got more snaps than Watson but it was close to even. Thomas got in at the end.

[After THE JUMP: one broken QB, barely more yards]

Comments

Product Of The Programs

Product Of The Programs Comment Count

Brian October 22nd, 2018 at 1:18 PM

10/20/2018 – Michigan 21, Michigan State 7 – 7-1, 5-0 Big Ten

No ghosts, no magic, no secret sauce: there's nothing hidden in Michigan State's recent run with Paul Bunyan. Most of the time they were a better football team than Michigan, and better football teams tend to win football games. All the noise was just that. Michigan lost games because they were bad football teams run by bad football coaches.

But holy hell, you just try to believe that when it's 7-7 despite a second quarter spent entirely on the Michigan State side of the field and it's raining and Michigan's fumbling like Urban Meyer trying to get his story straight and MSU's backup punter spears a disaster snap out of the air with one hand.

Then he hits a 60 yard punt, which is nearly double his season average. If the Black Pit of Negative Expectations didn't rise up and claim you then, you are a better human than I. The rain, and the turnovers, and the improbable thing by the guy in the thing with the rain… etc.

Fortunately, it turns out that being a vastly superior football team is still a good way to win football games. The rain cleared, the five-star quarterback threw a pass to the five-star wide receiver for a 79-yard touchdown, and that was more or less that. All over but the shouting.

But this is Michigan-Michigan State, so the shouting is the main event.

---------------------------------

Jim Harbaugh described the pre-game dust up as "bush league," and that was about right. If you are a human like me who has been infected with the Lebowski virus your immediate thought was the Jesus ranting about BUSH LEAGUE PSYCH-OUT STUFF. And that's what it was.

There is no other reason to roll out on to the field in helmets and no pads—because that's a thing people do—ten minutes late, when you know various Michigan players will be on the field for their allotted whatever. And there's no other reason to walk through those players with your arms locked. Hell, it probably worked. Devin Bush went full Rick James on the Spartan logo at midfield shortly after; he picked up a mystery unsportsmanlike conduct flag in the first half.

In the aftermath, MSU beat writers are going into more detail about a confrontation that doesn't even warrant the term "kerfuffle" than any one of the many incidents that ESPN turned up when they investigated the Spartan athletic programs in the aftermath of Larry Nassar. The word "class" has been uttered. This is all a distraction.

Shouting is warranted. Shouting about some goons holding green bones trying to pull an imaginary one over on a team that will hold them to 93 yards of offense in the near future is not. Michigan State is, has been, and will be trash. Shout about that. Michigan State deserves no respect and should be treated with nothing but contempt.

This has always been true. An event like the above happens about every third year. That, too, is a sideshow.

This weekend on WTKA, Lorenzo White openly joked about the giant piles of steroids MSU was doing the last time they were relevant. This is a widely-reported fact that did not prevent George Perles from becoming an MSU trustee. An internal investigation cleared Perles; in 2008 Tony Mandarich admitted his steroid use and told Armen Keteyian that by the time he reached the NFL he was addicted to painkillers. It is an open secret that MSU did zillions of steroids in the early 1990s and that Mandarich exited Michigan State a ticking timebomb. Not only did MSU let that guy escape with his undeserved dignity intact, they put that guy on the board of trustees.

I mean, why not, right? The rest of the board consists of former football players, infamous slumlord/booster Joel Ferguson, the grandson of the guy the basketball arena is named after, and a couple people who don't even have a good reason to be a shameless lickspittle in the face of incontrovertible evidence that the institution they nominally govern is a failed enterprise. Collectively they said Lou Anna Simon should keep her job after the worst sexual assault scandal in the history of the United States.

So fuck Michigan State. Fuck their football and basketball teams especially, as they are the main drivers of the deranged culture that enabled Larry Nassar. There is a straight line to draw between Perles and the rest of his board to Mark Hollis to Lou Anna Simon, all of it enabled because Michigan State got to beat big brother in some sports sometimes. Nobody in power at that university cares about the woman subjected to Keith Appling and Adriean Payne's charms, or Auston Robertson's victim, or Travis Walton's, or the various people subjected to the presence of Michigan State players in events that weren't sexual violence but were sure as hell violent. So why would they care about insistent reports dating back 20 years about a doctor abusing gymnasts?

Well, you see, sometimes we get to rub the big in-state school's nose in it. So, obviously. It's all good.

------------------------

There's an undercurrent in the Michigan fanbase that MSU is beneath notice. This is wrong, but I get it. There was a point in time in the past when the best revenge was celebrating with Paul Bunyan in the locker room. This is no longer the time we have, for various reasons. One is Michigan having various bad football teams. The other is what happens when MSU is beneath notice.

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[Patrick Barron]

You've been noticed. We see you for what you are.

HIGHLIGHTS

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

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[Barron]

-2535ac8789d1b499[1]you're the man now, dog

#1(t) David Long, Lavert Hill, and Brandon Watson. The main drivers of a 5/25 passing performance. Joel Klatt, a former quarterback, reached untold depths of despair when trying to describe what Brian Lewerke was seeing downfield: absolutely nothing. Two points each because they're made up and don't matter and this section probably should have highlighted them more this season but doesn't because they barely get thrown at.

#2(t) Chase Winovich and Josh Uche. The other half of the dominant pass performance; three sacks between them, with Chase chipping in his usual level of run pursuit.

#3 Donovan Peoples-Jones. It was just one catch, but it was a good one.

Honorable mention: Karan Higdon had a Chris Perry kind of day. Shea Patterson had ups and downs but his legs are now a thing. (Don't tell any DCs about that.) The OL got another collective W.

KFaTAotW Standings.

8: Chase Winovich (#1 ND, #3 SMU, #1 NW, T2 MSU)
5: Karan Higdon (#1 WMU, #3 Nebraska, #3 Wisconsin).
4: Devin Bush(#3 ND, #1 Nebraska), Rashan Gary(#2 WMU, #2 Nebraska), Shea Patterson (#3 WMU, #1 Maryland), David Long(#2 Wisconsin, T1 Michigan State).
3: Zach Gentry(T1 SMU, #2 Maryland), Juwann Bushell-Beatty(T1 Wisconsin), Jon Runyan Jr(T1 Wisconsin), Donovan Peoples-Jones(T1 SMU, #3 MSU).
2: Ambry Thomas (#2 ND), Josh Metellus(#2 SMU), Brandon Watson(T1 MSU), Lavert Hill(T1 MSU), Josh Uche (T2 NW, T2 MSU).
1: Will Hart (#3 NW), Mike Dwumfour (T2 NW), Kwity Paye (T2 NW), Khaleke Hudson(#3 Maryland).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

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[Patrick Barron]

Donovan Peoples-Jones gives Michigan the winning margin in one giant play when everyone in the world thought a coinflip slog was in the offing.

Honorable mention: Jordan Glasgow rakes out a fumble. BPONE mitigated by a couple of deflected catches. Patterson stands in and hits Collins for a first-half TD.

image​MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Chris Evans fumbles to set Michigan State up at the 7, leading to a tie game and many sufferers of BPONE.

Honorable mention: Karan Higdon stumbles into the mesh point for another fumble. MSU's punter goes combo OBJ/Orin Incandenza. Patterson dorfs a couple of fairly easy TDs. The entire second quarter of implausibly not scoring.

[After THE JUMP: a SQUIRREL (not Devin Bush)]

Comments

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Wisconsin

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Wisconsin Comment Count

Brian October 17th, 2018 at 4:33 PM

image-6_thumb_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thu[1]SPONSOR NOTE: Reminder that Matt is hanging out at the Charity Tailgate at 327 East Hoover (if you were at the preseason MGoEvents this year and last it's the same place). It's right next to the train tracks on Hoover. The band goes right by it on their way to the stadium, which is cool. Say hi.

When not tailgating Matt is also a person who will get you a mortgage right quick from the comfort of your own home.

FORMATION NOTES: Michigan was content to roll out the base defense against Wisconsin despite the radical change in approach the Badgers are from Michigan's previous spread-oriented opponents. Hudson was omnipresent. There was one tweak on passing downs, with Michigan replacing Gil/Ross with Josh Uche to present a five-man front:

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Uche lurking to the bottom of the line; Bush kneeling near the umpire

Note also that Michigan has their three cornerbacks on the field and just one safety. This still comes out as 4-2-5 in my 'package' column but should be something else and will be if it continues.

Just one 3-3-5 snap on a run down in this game, a six yard run.

SUBSTITUTION NOTES: Winovich and Paye were almost omnipresent; Hutchinson did get a dozen snaps spotting them, mostly late. Kemp, Marshall, Mone, and Solomon got about equal time at the DT spots, with Dwumfour a bit further behind. Michigan tried to confine him to passing downs.

Bush and Hudson omnipresent; Gil and Ross split their snaps about down the middle. Uche played in the package above; Furbush and Glasgow made cameos.

Secondary is what you'd expect save for Kinnel missing some snaps with what looked like cramps. Hawkins got that time.

[After THE JUMP: a lot of running and almost no passing.]

Comments

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Maryland

Upon Further Review 2018: Defense vs Maryland Comment Count

Brian October 11th, 2018 at 3:33 PM

image-6_thumb_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thu[1]SPONSOR NOTE: Reminder that Matt is hanging out at the Charity Tailgate at 327 East Hoover (if you were at the preseason MGoEvents this year and last it's the same place). It's right next to the train tracks on Hoover. The band goes right by it on their way to the stadium, which is cool, it supports charity, there's pizza and barbecue and beer, and the GameDay crew might stop by. Say hi.

When not tailgating Matt is also a person who will get you a mortgage right quick from the comfort of your own home.

FORMATION NOTES: Most notable development was the near-elimination of 3-3-5 snaps: just six, all of them on passing downs. Maryland ran a bunch of stuff from under center to facilitate their jet sweep game, and brought out a lot of pistol diamond formations when Piggy was in.

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Nothing worked until real late.

SUBSTITUTION NOTES: With Gary absent and Dwumfour exiting in the first half, the DT rotation was mostly Kemp, Mone, and Marshall. Jeter and Myers came in late. At DE, Winovich was his usual omnipresent self until the final two drives. Paye got the bulk of the Gary snaps with about 10 from Hutchinson and 10 more during the backups portion of the game.

At LB, Bush and Hudson nearly omnipresent. Gil and Ross back to splitting about 50/50, with the usual ten or so snaps from Uche and Furbush. Secondary the usual.

[After THE JUMP: a lot of runs that go nowhere]

Comments