Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration

Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration

Submitted by Brian on September 8th, 2010 at 12:03 PM

PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:

explosion

As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

jleman_thumb6 Urrrrr.

duck_thumb4

jleman_thumb6 What the…?

duck_thumb6 Quack.

jleman_thumb6 Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.

duck_thumb6 Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.

explosion_thumb7

jleman_thumb6 We have to go!

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 Urrrr.

 image

tombrady2_thumb9 What the…?

brady-howard HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8] There they are!

tombrady2_thumb9 No!

brady-howard [Impressive KICK!]

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8][4] Noooooooo!

brady-howard CHECKMATE.

tombrady2_thumb9 How did you do that?

explosion_thumb9

brady-howard LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 Urrrr.

  image

bobzook_thumb6 What the…?

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 What happened?

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 I see.

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

bobzook_thumb6 Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.

explosion_thumb11

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

duck_thumb6 Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.

jleman_thumb6 Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.

duck_thumb6 Quack. Require sustenance.

jleman_thumb6 All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.

duck_thumb6 Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.

jleman_thumb6 Here. Now what are we going to call you?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 So… now what?

brady-howard NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]

tombrady2_thumb9 Great.

[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]

Gisele-Bundchen-boobiesNeed a ride?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.

joint [expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 Okay, here.

joint [when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]

brady-duck Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.

bobzook_thumb6 HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY

tombrady2_thumb9Gisele-Bundchen-boobies Yoink!

bobzook_thumb6 Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?

INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

billbelichick_thumb6  Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.

billbelichick_thumb6 You got all that from "quack"?

tombrady2_thumb9 Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.

billbelichick_thumb6 To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.

tombrady2_thumb9He's a super genius. Srsly.

billbelichick_thumb6 Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 Have I ever told you you're head coach material?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Brady. Come in, Brady.

tombrady2_thumb9 Brady here.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Report on The Project.

tombrady2_thumb9 After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6montgomeryburns_thumb 

EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS

footballcoach_thumb14  Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]

darth-vader-face_thumb[9] No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.

tombrady2_thumb9 Let me take care of that.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS.  2008

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.

rich-rodriguez You don't think that's a little drastic?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 No. This is Michigan.

 denarddeerfield_thumb5 QUAAAAAAACK

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-what

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.

EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 No! Not again!

juicewilliams_thumb11 All too easy.

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING!

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack.

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!

juicewilliams_thumb11explosion_thumb12

EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.


EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

randy-edsall2 Randy-Edsall

randy-edsall2 Not there either.

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-thumbsup

TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!

Independence Denard: The Dark Before The Dawn

Independence Denard: The Dark Before The Dawn

Submitted by Brian on September 7th, 2010 at 11:49 AM

Obviously two things:

  1. Depending on whether or not BHGP likes it, this is either an homage to or straight ripoff of their posts in this vein, down to J Leman's presence. I have tried to make this up to them in the content. Also, the J Leman picture was first brought to the world in those Big Ten team previews I used to do.
  2. I can't confirm that this is true, if you know what I mean.

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—MEETING ROOM. 1992

A conference table is surrounded by hooded figures. One throws back the hood, revealing himself to be STEPHEN ROSS, super rich guy. Also seated are JAMES EARL JONES, sith lord, and DOOMED J. SCIENTIST, a scientist.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns I hereby bring this meeting of the Evil Michigan World Domination Illuminati to order. First order of business: the Desmond Howard cloning situation.

BrentSpiner_IndDay There have been some… issues. We have successfully dealt with the flippers, but it came at a cost.

darth-vader-face You have failed me for the last time, Doomed Scientist.

BrentSpiner_IndDay haacckckackaackak

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Always with the force choke, James. Can we get past the bit where you tell him his lack of faith is… disturbing and get on with it.

darth-vader-face I still don't see why we can't build a football stadium in the wave field and get Tom Harmon back.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, always with the force choke and the building it and the coming. Moving on. Doomed scientist?

BrentSpiner_IndDay We have now perfectly replicated Desmond Howard's lower body. There are some problems with the torso. As you can see on my powerpoint--

darth-vader-face You have failed me—

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, for the last time. Spit it out, Doomed Scientist.

BrentSpiner_IndDay The main problem with the torso is that there isn't one. It just kind of… stops.

desmond-howard_the-pose

darth-vader-face I find its lack of torso—

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, yes, disturbing. For the record, I do too. You have created a mindless abomination that can accelerate to full speed in half a second, stop on a dime, and juke like there's no tomorrow. Shoot it in he head.

BrentSpiner_IndDay It doesn't have a head.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Then have Jones mystically force choke it to death. Next order of business: the destruction of Notre Dame football.

darth-vader-face I am positioning Texas A&M defensive coordinator Bob Davie to be the droid Lou Holtz is looking for.

Charles_Montgomery_Burnsmontgomery-burns

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1992.

BrentSpiner_IndDay I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to end like this.

desmond-howard_the-pose  …

BrentSpiner_IndDay You're just a torso! Don't look at me like that.

desmond-howard_the-pose

BrentSpiner_IndDay I can't do this. We must escape!

jleman

 jleman Come with me.

BrentSpiner_IndDay J Leman?

jleman It is I.

BrentSpiner_IndDay Aren't you seven?

jleman What's your point?

BrentSpiner_IndDay Nothing. Let's go.

security_guard Halt!

pistol_m9_500  BLAM BLAM BLAM

BrentSpiner_IndDay Noooooooooo… [/expires]

jleman [Ninja CHOP!]

security_guard Noooooooo…

jleman Let's go, Desmond Howard lower body. I have plans for you.

desmond-howard_the-pose

INT. CLANDESTINE URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Another meeting room. BOB ZOOK, Ron Zook's evil but lazy twin, and a DUCK discuss dark matters.

bob-zook Mwahahaha! Seven years of mustache twirling and pot smoking are about to pay off tonight!

duck  You had better hope this plot works better than your last dozen, Zook. My patience runs thin. My pit of ravenous piranhas grows hungry. We must repay our arch-rivals for the generations who have endured nothing but humiliation!

bob-zook Oh, it will. Hark: here comes the strike team now.

jleman I have done as you asked, distasteful as it is.

tom-brady-2 mrphpmph.

bob-zook What's he's saying?

duck No doubt something like "you'll never get away with this, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois." But I will. Mwa. Mwa haahahahaahaa!

bob-zook  Mwahahahahahaha!

lightning BOOM.

tom-brady-2 mrprhphphp.

duck Oh, let's listen. I love it when doomed heroes blather on.

bob-zook [removes gag]

tom-brady-2 You'll never get away with this, Cooper!

duck I said arch-rivals!

tom-brady-2 And by this you mean…

duck You know, your most hated rival!

tom-brady-2 Ohio State.

duck No! Other than Ohio State!

tom-brady-2 All right, then. You'll never get away with this, Davie!

duck No, your really really most hated serious very serious rival. Who you share a debilitating mutual hatred of! Not Notre Dame!

tom-brady-2 You'll never get away with this, Saban?

duck Aaaaaaaargh!

tom-brady-2 Alvarez? No… wait, I've got it. Mason!  You'll take the Little Brown Jug from my cold, dead hands!

duck No! How many times do I have…

[Tom Brady tries to remember all of the teams in the Big Ten. Meanwhile, GHOSTLY APPARITIONS of James Earl Jones and LAWRENCE KASDAN materialize nearby…]

anakin  J. I am your father.

jleman Noooooooooooooo! You're not my father!

anakin Search your heart. You know it to be true.

jleman Oh. My. God.

lawrence-kasdan I told you it would work.

anakin Free Tom Brady. This is un-American. Victories are born on the field, not in genetics labs.

jleman You speak truth. [Ninja CHOP!]

tom-brady-2 …I'm sorry, I'll get it in a second. You'll never get away with this, whoever Northwestern's coach is!

duck If I didn't need you for my diabolical plots I would impale you on my bill.

tom-brady-2 Also I appear to be free. [Impressive KICK!]

duck [flies towards complicated, ominous looking technological thing with glass tubing containing a familiar set of disembodied legs]

bob-zook No! Release the defensive ends!

adrian-clayborn I am free.

tom-brady-2 My one weakness! Lo, I am stripped of my merry band of protectors! Wait, aren't you 11?

adrian-clayborn The least realistic part of this is not my age but the idea Bob Zook and a duck could capture me. Allow me to take my rage out on you. [Devastating SACK!]

tom-brady-2 [flies towards same ominous technological thing]

duck [Thunderous CRASH!]

tom-brady-2 [Similarly thunderous CRASH!]

cloning_01 BZZZTERERFFFFFZZZZEDDDD CLONE SEQUENCE ERROR. MULTIPLE ORGANISMS. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. MULTIDIMENSIONAL ARRAY. EIGENVECTOR. COMBINATION IN PROGRESS. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.

explosion

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DESMOND HOWARD'S DISEMBODIED LEGS? WILL BOB ZOOK FACE HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL TOM BRADY'S BEAUTIFUL FACE BE MANGLED? WILL BLACK HEART GOLD PANTS ORGANIZE A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON MGOBLOG? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2: THE INTEGRATION AND INFILTRATION. TOMORROW!