daddy would you like some sausages

11/20/2021 – Michigan 59, Maryland 18 – 10-1, 7-1 Big Ten

There's something about playing Maryland that causes the details to evaporate immediately after the game. Things I remember from previous Maryland games: they played a tiny quarterback once, there were some annoying screens, the end. Rutgers has at least had the decency to be memorably bad (and yes occasionally feisty); Maryland is forgettably bad unless you are Texas.

I will make an effort to remember the throwback kick return touchdown, but it will be an effort. Mentioning the kick return has caused me to remember that Michigan returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown in this game a few years ago, so there's a third thing. Fourth thing. Whatever. Those screens were really annoying, though.

This game in particular evaporated like the haze after a dream. Michigan was up some points, and then they were up a lot of points, and then slightly fewer, and then Alan Bowman was chucking passes to a guy named "Will Rolapp," who is from Connecticut and seems very nice. If you concentrated you could remember various sequences that led to the absurdly lopsided score, but only one at a time. The others shimmered out of focus as soon as attention wavered.

------------------------------

The thing that is likely to stick longest is Mike Locksley looking on at his charges with a series of facial expressions that started out at exasperated and quickly elevated to day three of potty training. On day three of potty training you have been in the bathroom for three days and the child is still wandering around like a ticking time bomb, oblivious to any of the rules laid out over the previous, grueling 48 hours. There is a high probability the child will stand there with a stupid grin on his or her face while evacuating a bladder as you moan something along the lines of "in the potty! IN THE POTTY! WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS A THOUSAND TIMES THE PEE GOES IN THE someone get me a drink right now GOT DARNED POTTY!"

This is when you give up and try again later, in my experience, but Mike Locksley can't just put some sort of cat-themed cartoon on for his players and then go stare at a wall with a glass in both hands. I mean, not in the third quarter. He obviously did that after the game. The only entertainment option on the flight home was a tween in cat ears turning into a cartoon version of herself so she can go play in her cat doll house. The team was fine with this—enraptured, even. Mike Locksley sat in the first row with a bottle of whiskey strapped into the seat next to him. Locksley said nothing for the whole flight, and his only motion was occasionally bringing the glass to his mouth. The lone exception is 45 minutes into the flight, when something between a shudder and a sigh trembled out of his lips. Then back to stone silence.

I guarantee you this is exactly what occurred on Saturday night. There are no other options.

But in the third quarter Mike Locksley is contractually obligated to continue day three of potty training into the undiscovered country of day four. Then cameras will cut to him after his quarterback scrambles wildly, then hurls a ball directly to the chest of a Michigan defensive back, then inexplicably stops instead of pushing said defensive back out of bounds. The defensive back will subsequently score a touchdown.

Next Maryland drive and Tagovailoa throws a terrible pass.

DJ Turner steps in front of it and takes it 50 yards to the house for a Pick 6 and a 52-18 lead. pic.twitter.com/NCfyJJL8Hc

— Due# (@JDue51) November 21, 2021

It is at this point that Mike Locksley will invent entirely new levels of disappointed dad face. Muscles will contort into heretofore unknown arrangements in order to communicate pure agony. You can see the man calculating what boarding school will cost, and whether he can afford both it and the country club. A thought flickers but no, it is too late to put them up for adoption, that is probably not legal.

There's nothing for it: one can only endure, and contort. Endurance is all. Contortion is required. Stoicism is impossible but given everything that's going on any reaction short of Falling Down is a noble endeavor. Mike Locksley got home late Saturday night, and sat down, and had not committed any crimes. Well done, sir.

Anyway, it's Ohio State week. We're all Mike Locksley now. Stay safe out there.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

[Sherman]

you're the man now, dog

#1 Donovan Edwards. Donovan Edwards caught ten passes for 170 yards, surpassing any single season of Chris Evans's career in a single game as a true freshman. This is simultaneously wonderful and encouraging since Edwards is clearly a Weapon that must be accounted for by trying to Cover Him With Linebackers and that is Never Going To Work, and also WHAT WERE WE DOING WITH CHRIS EVANS FOR FOUR YEARS HE'S IN THE NFL NOW JESUS CHRIST

/breathes into paper bag

#2 Aidan Hutchinson. Breaking the duo up this week since Hutchinson had a TFL and a PBU, the TFL on fourth and two, while Ojabo was fairly muted except for a hold he drew. Hutchinson again made the PFF team of the week, and had five solo tackles as a DE.

#3 Cade McNamara. 9.3 YPA, 2 TD, 0 INT. Yes, disproportionate chunk came on the long TD but McNamara feathered that in there so Edwards didn't have to break stride. That YAC is partially his. Did get bailed out a wee bit by his receivers and alarmingly thunked two passes into OL helmets, but 21/28 for 259 yards in three quarters… eh, I'll take it.

Honorable mention: Mike Sainristil and Andrel Anthony only caught one pass each but both were 1s on the UFR charting so here you go, it's a point. Michael Barrett's throw across the field was perfect. Matt Torey blocked a punt.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

47: Aidan Hutchinson (HM WMU, #2 Wash, #1 Rutgers, #1 Wisc, HM Neb, #2 NW, T3 MSU, T2 IU, T1 PSU, #2 Maryland)
30: Hassan Haskins (HM WMU, T3 Wash, T2 NIU, #2 Neb, T1 NW, #1 IU, #2 PSU)
21: David Ojabo (#2 Wisc, T3 MSU, T2 IU, T1 PSU)
18: The OL (#1 Wash, #1 NIU, HM Neb, HM NW)
17: Blake Corum (#2 WMU, T3 Wash, T2 NIU, HM Neb, T1 NW)
13: Cade McNamara (#1 MSU, HM IU, HM PSU, #3 Maryland)
11: Donovan Edwards(T2 NIU, #1 Maryland)
8: Ronnie Bell (#1 WMU), Brad Hawkins (#1 Neb), Dax Hill (#3 WMU, HM NIU, HM Rutgers, HM Wisc, HM Neb, HM MSU)
7: Brad Robbins (HM Wash, #3 Rutgers, HM Wisc, HM PSU), Josh Ross (HM Wash, HM NIU, HM Rutgers, HM Neb, HM NW, HM PSU)
6: Nikhai Hill-Green(HM NIU, #2 Rutgers), Jake Moody (HM Wash, HM Wisc, #3 Neb, HM MSU), DJ Turner (#3 NW, #3 PSU), Andrel Anthony (#2 MSU, HM Maryland)
5: Cornelius Johnson(HM NIU, HM Wisc, #3 IU)
4: AJ Henning (HM WMU, #3 NIU), Roman Wilson (#3 Wisc, HM PSU)
2: Erick All (HM NW, HM MSU), Junior Colson (HM IU, HM PSU), Mike Sainristil (HM WMU, HM Maryland)
1: Andrew Vastardis (HM WMU), Mazi Smith (HM Wash), Gemon Green(HM NIU), Chris Hinton (HM Rutgers),  Taylor Upshaw (HM IU), Michael Barrett (HM Maryland), Matt Torey(HM Maryland)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Edwards gets a linebacker in man coverage on a wheel route and lol nope.

7️⃣7️⃣ yards for No. 7️⃣

Donovan Edwards (@DEdwards__) blows this one open for No. 6 @UMichFootball. pic.twitter.com/MutNBq9m11

— Big Ten Network (@BigTenNetwork) November 20, 2021

Honorable mention: Kick return trick play TD; punt block; INT return TD; various absurd catches; Michigan draws a hold!

​MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

The first half of OSU-MSU.

Honorable mention: Maryland scores a touchdown and a two point conversion to make us all remember the MSU game; McNamara throws two different balls into OL helmets.

[After THE JUMP: Jay Harbaugh for Broyles Award]

YOU TOO CAN OPEN YOUR MOUTH IN PUBLIC WITHOUT GETTING PEOPLE MAD

NOT YOU

Don't. This is the easiest and best way to go about it. What does everyone think of David Baas? Exactly. We think David Baas won the Rimington award. We do not think he has some weird grudge against his younger doppleganger or is Joe Morgan.

If you have to, do not say anything about Denard. Nothing you can say about Denard will meet the standards of the Michigan fanbase, which thinks he is made of rainbows and sweetness and light and will brook not even the slightest criticism. For instance, saying…

You looked fantastic for five games against nobody. That's what you did.

…as a way to "blast college athletes' sense of entitlement" is taking a cheapshot at a guy playing opposite the worst defense in the history of man. Many people will make the internet annoying for a day until the next outrage.

More importantly, it's inane because Denard is the least entitled athlete at Michigan in a very long time. We get it: you hated Rich Rodriguez to the point where you'll roll your eyes at Denard Robinson. You can stop it now.

If you do say something about Denard, at least own up to it. Desmond Howard's response to this was to claim his comment was about "fans and the media," and while the fuller context of the quote does soften it somewhat it mostly emphasizes how bizarrely inappropriate it is to grab Denard Robinson of all people as a "perfect example" of entitled kids.

I mean, it's not like there's anyone else in Michigan's recent past that fits that bill slightly better—

If you have successfully piloted your speaking away from Denard, don't imply the kids currently on the team are lazy and soft. This is called "projection," a malady that often befalls middle-aged men past their glory days. The people on the team have worked very hard for little reward because there are a lot of people who aren't on the team for various reasons. So when you say the effort was "lacking" or Michigan "toughness" is back you are telling Ryan Van Bergen, who can stuff your desk-job-having ass in a can, that he's failing you.

This isn't very nice. Also, the opposite is in fact the case.

If you have managed to not talk crap about the players, you are most of the way home. Congratulations! Now you've only got three topics left:

• Rich Rodriguez is the devil. Accurate! So very accurate. But also played out. Everyone in the room will be envisioning you beating on a dead man. How did that go in the last season of The Wire? You didn't watch The Wire? You only read Rudyard Kipling books? Well, let me tell you: not so good. Also it was biting dead people but telling you that is pointless until David Simon writes a book of illustrated allegories featuring animals. How hard would I buy this book? So, so hard. I digress.
• Shuffling the fullback so you can run a power play at a defense that knows what's coming but is powerless to stop you is the only way to play football. Also very, very true but so obvious in the aftermath of Rodriguez being the devil that it hardly bears mentioning. You are trying to bring the Wisdom Of The Michigan Program to the public, but the public already knows that part in its bones. Fooling people is for communists. The wages of spread are turnovers.
• Brady Hoke is a cuddly bear-god who you, 6'9" high school tackle Zach Banner, should definitely play for. Now we are talking. This is a matter that the public is uncertain about—just look around here a few months ago—and Zach Banner is definitely uncertain about, being one of the few high school players in the country who has not leapt to play for our magic-poopin' cuddly bear-god. This is a topic of major interest amongst laymen and scholars and may result in honorary degrees from prestigious institutions if expounded upon at sufficiently withering, recruit-ensnaring length. Bonus points(!) awarded for pointed contrasts with Jim Tressel.

Escuche y repita. Like last year's Ohio State season, the last three years never happened. They are the Godfather III, the lying-newspaper-guy plot from The Wire, the Brian Ellerbe era… right… forgot. Kipling. Forget this bit.

Remember: the last three years never happened and therefore cannot be commented on BRADY HOKE MAGIC POOPING BEAR GOD SAY IT DO IT NOTHING ELSE

SPECIAL BO-ERA DUDE ADDENDUM: it is not racist that Corwin Brown was not hired by Michigan and you should stop saying that because it's not helping Corwin Brown any.

Should we be depressed watching this draft seeing very limited Michigan players taken?  I mean I know we haven't been a good football team lately, but I look at a guy like Donavan Warren.  Couldn't SOMEBODY have told him he wasn't ready for the pros?  Unless I'm way wrong and he is ready?  I just wanted to get your thoughts on when it makes sense for a junior to declare early.  It seems to me that if you aren't a lock in the first 3 rounds, it's just not worth it.  I could be wrong on this, that's why I'm asking your opinion on it.

Thanks man,
Chris

Chris: if you are surveying the recent history of Michigan football and deciding that this year's NFL draft is the reason to be depressed, you are the modern day equivalent of one of those guys on the cross singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

As far as Warren goes, I touched on it briefly when Mark Carrier went to the well and declared the Michigan Warren signed up for "wasn't there anymore," but to expand on it: there were a lot of different factors that went into Warren's unwise decision to declare. Conventional wisdom held that Warren was looking at three years and out from the moment he stepped on campus. All the coaches he signed up to play for were broomed. Then he got a mid-round-at-worst grade from the NFL Advisory Committee—basically a "lock for the first three rounds." His decision was an expected outcome. The unexpected bit was not getting drafted.

FWIW, when all this was going down I did get the impression that Rodriguez thought Warren was not ready for the pros:

Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez said in a radio interview Monday he wishes cornerback Donovan Warren would have got more information before declaring for the NFL draft.

"I probably would have preferred to wait until I get the NFL advisory committee information back, which I have not gotten back yet," Rodriguez said on WDFN 1130-AM. "I don’t know if he talked to enough people yet or not, but he feels he has. I kind of wish he got a little bit more information so he would have been sure before he made his declaration."

He took off anyway. It happens from time to time—remember Shantee Orr?—but less frequently when you haven been placed in a situation someone else chose for you.

Brian,

I had a discussion w/ Jon Chait about the 2 QB system. I personally feel that it is a bad idea but I don't necessarily always agree with the platitudes spun on ESPN ("if you have 2 QBs it means you have none"). Is there any evidence of a 2 QB system really being bad? Jon brought up the Leak/Tebow duo and the 1982 Miami Dolphins. Certainly 2 teams in 25 years is not much of a success rate but I was hoping you or Mathelete might have some more detailed data.

Thanks,

Dan Rontal

I could probably dig up some evidence that two QB systems are less effective than your average one QB system but that's a lot of effort to state something logically obvious: the chances of having one excellent quarterback are low. The chances of having two are vanishingly small. Therefore, playing two quarterbacks means you do not have an excellent quarterback. QED.

HOWEVA, this assumes that quarterback excellence comes in one shape, something that was 100% true for the duration of the Carr regime. The shape was a 6'5" fixed artillery piece 50% as white as We Are ND.

that's really, really white

When Carr experimented with his Henson-Brady platoon, that was something he'd promised Henson to prevent him from signing an enormous baseball contract. Even that petered out as Michigan began to realize what it had in Tom Brady. They were running the same stuff with both, so it made no sense to go with the guy who wasn't a crazy accurate cold-blooded senior.

The situation in 2010 is a lot closer to Leak/Tebow (minus the hellacious defense) than Brady/Henson. Michigan's two quarterbacks are radically different players. In that case it makes sense to use them in different situations. On third and one, Denard is a better option. On third and fifteen, Tate is. On first and ten it will depend on who the opponent is and how the quarterbacks are playing that day.

I have a feeling that by midseason it will be clear one or the other is the starter, but I also think both QBs will see snaps in every game this year.

Hi Brian-

I was wondering if you could help me understand something.  How does this deal between ESPN and SEC affect the amount of Big 10 games that are televised on ABC/ESPN/ESPN2?  In terms of football, is the SEC really getting that much more coverage on ESPN compared to the Big 10 on Saturdays (the Big 10 doesn't really play games any other day of the week too often)?

Up until now, I have been able to watch tons of Big 10 games on these channels (I live in Boston), but now I am afraid that they are going to be playing more SEC games and I will only get the 1 game at a time I get on the Big 10 Network.  Everything I read makes it sound like ESPN bought the broadcasting rights to all these SEC football games and other athletic events and that they will be dominating the ESPN airwaves, but if it started last fall (2009), I sure didn't notice a difference because they still played pretty much every Big 10 game not on the Big 10 Network (Indiana vs. Minnesota aside).

Any ways, just wondering if you have any insight on this.
Thanks,
Brian

The SEC deal has no impact on the Big Ten/ABC contract. ABC always gets first choice of Big Ten games every weekend, then ESPN, ESPN 2, and the BTN have a complicated system in which they alternate the second pick. The BTN gets two or three opportunities to go second—which is how they scooped up the M-MSU game in year two of the network, causing mass panic at the prospect it might not be on television in the state.

In fact, the much-hyped SEC deal is now coming in for local criticism because MLS and women's basketball have more pull than SEC gymnastics. The net effect has been to move the crappy SEC games from Raycom syndication (the ironically beloved "three Daves" setup) to the obscurer reaches of the ESPN dial (U and Classic). Since Big Ten games were never played on those networks, the impact on the conference is nil. I don't think the SEC pact actually does much of anything for the league other than fill their pockets: ESPN isn't going to stop televising good Pac 10/ACC/Big 12 games.

The Big Ten's ABC/ESPN deal is even better than the SEC deal in one critical respect: it mandates that any regional broadcast is "reverse mirrored" on another channel. End result:

The Boilermakers appeared on National or National/Regional Television for every game (12) [ed: thanks for the game count protip, marketing droid!] during the 2009 season. Boiler Up!

11:20 AM May 5th via web

That's really cool for Purdue. It is also true for every Big Ten team, even Indiana. There is no such thing as a Big Ten football game you cannot get nationally. The genius of the Big Ten network is matched by the genius of the reverse mirror. Whoever got that inserted into the Big Ten TV contract earns his keep.

BONUS: how huge is the ESPN/SEC contract going to look in 15 years? Not very huge. The Big Ten is already matching or exceeding it and their deal with FOX includes profit-sharing that has already kicked in. When not speaking publicly, Jim Delany is a ninja.

Brian,

 

It seems to me that if we are going to poach from the Big 12 -- it makes the most sense to make a play for Texas as taking 2 teams from the conference makes its demise all but certain and could push Texas into the SEC or Pac-10.

 

If we are going to be Machiavellian a la Notre Dame, it makes no sense to pursue two decent Big 12 schools when doing so pushes the crown jewel (athletically, academically, and demographically) into a rival camp.  Thoughts?

 

Relatedly, what is the basis for the comments that the TX legislature would only permit that if the Big 10 took A&M too? 

 

Thanks for humoring me.

-Name Withheld

Daddy, would you like some sausages?

I don't know what the basis for the TX legislature road block meme is Austin seem like the active sort and I buy it. Besides, A&M is a fine school in its own right.

Anyway: I'm with you. It's been universally agreed that Texas is the biggest fish in the pond. The problem with Texas is that it's geographically isolated from the Big Ten and beholden to a state legislature that somehow finagled perpetually useless Baylor into the Big 12. They've got power and they're nosy enough to use it.

But if this 16-team Big Ten is actually going to transpire, is that relevant? If the Big Ten grabs five teams they can lop off Missouri, Nebraska, Texas, Texas A&M, and Oklahoma in one enormous western surge. Big Ten Manifest Destiny seriously reduces the geographic implausibility and provides the Big Ten the most sheer intimidation possible. If we're putting the Big Cthulhu on the table, I don't see why the Big East has to be involved at all, or Notre Dame for that matter. It makes more sense to dismember one conference in its entirety.

I know that Oklahoma's academic standing has been widely declared a nonstarter for the Big Ten's ivory tower types. If that's the case, grabbing Colorado or Kansas has almost the same effect—Texas tentacles—with considerably less chewing tobacco at conference meetings.

Brian,

Exactly what happens between now and August?  I really mean EXACTLY, not just "they do some conditioning and stuff".  Someone out there (football coaches or maybe former players) must know the answer.

Thank you,

Marc 71

I can't give you an all-caps EXACT answer, but I did ping Tyler Sellhorn for a moderately detailed one. Without further ado:

Dear Brian,

While school is still in session, the program can require attendance at conditioning.  When school lets out the players voluntarily submit themselves to The Church of Barwis, take 4-6 credit hours of summer school (so that most players, i.e. general studies majors, can take a minimum full-time courseload during the year and still be on track to graduate), most student-athletes will spend a week at home, and then Fall camp starts in August.  Also, the quarterbacks and defensive leaders are usually encouraged to organize skeleton passing sessions as well, but as we know too well now, coaches are not permitted to even witness said seven-on-seven sessions.

That is not an exactly, but a general overview that should answer less curious minds than Marc71.

God Bless,
Tyler Sellhorn

Thanks to Mr. Sellhorn.