I'm sorry Miss Jackson, but are you for real? Never meant to make someone's daughter cry, but she Tweet mess-aged bout a trillion times
Revision of This Week in the Twitterverse from May 23rd, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Cracks in Fort Schembechler
This week we got a couple of very short glimpses into the otherwise locked-down existence of Michigan football. Normally under the current regime, we don't hear or see much of anything between the end of Spring ball and the beginning of fall practice unless a player is hit by a meteor (i.e. "suffered some off-season setbacks"), gets arrested ("has some learning to do"), or gets frozen in carbonite ("has struggled to get in game shape"). So when you get six seconds of live-action footage, YOU TAKE IT.
Enter: Devin Gardner's Vine account.
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- Fitz still has two legs. Those legs can support the weight of a human being as that human being does various physical activities. MEDICAL SCIENCE: HOW DOES IT WORK?
- Fitz has some dance moves. I have no idea what kind of moves, mind you... but they are moves nonetheless.
- Jeremy Gallon hates shirts
- Gallon's cloaking device still works, and is so now effective that the coaches have insisted that he carry a bell around with him so he can't sneak up on people anymore.
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- If you hang around on State Street long enough, Blake Countess and Devin Gardner will entertain you.
- Countess is can do a standing back-handspring back-tuck.
- When Countess does a standing back-handspring back-tuck, I try to spot him through the computer screen so he won’t get hurt.
- Most urgently, the only logical explanation for this video is that the surgeons must have botched Blake Countess's surgery. It's kinda like Rookie of the Year, except instead of gaining a wicked fastball, Countess has lost the ability to backpedal. The only way he can move backwards is through some combination of back handsprings and back tucks. And sure, that might work on short and intermediate routes, but what of the deep ball? Even if he gets back there, he'll be too dizzy to make a play on the ball. No, no, no, this is all wrong.
[Side note: Countess is not the first Michigan football player with some gymnastics skillz. Brandon Graham was once a guest judge for the UofM Women's Gymnastics team's intra-squad scrimmage, and as part of that event he put together a video of himself doing some legitimate tumbling. If anyone has this video, you are needed at the Youtube. Also, it confirms Bo's lesser-known mantra that Those Who Do Gymnastics Will Be Really Good Defensive Players]
But then of course Yellow Jackets are non-migratory
…and Oregon State:
/writes hilarious #BeaverBarrage joke
/deletes joke for being inappropriate
/repeats many, many times
But then a GA at Georgia Tech…. well, see for yourself.
There are many, many more. Like, a disturbing amount. Click the link if you want, but be warned that you will make you more thsn a little concerned for humanity.
If you’re wondering what “The Migration” is, his theory is that so many people should want to move from the northern states to Georgia, it should qualify as a migration. And he tried to turn the thing into a viral meme that encompassed other memes. A metameme, if you will.
But there are a couple of TEEEEENSY problems with this idea. The first is that as we have been told every day for the last decade, all of the talent EVER CREATED comes from the south. Slow people with no coordination and tiny hands come from the north. The second problem is that if you want recruits to mentally associate your school with this fancy new meme you created, your school should actually be mentioned IN the meme. No one commits to "Migration." This is your classic talk-up-the-Funke-name-and-then-announce-yourself-as-Tobias scenario, but without David Cross it just doesn't work. And third, and most important, your stuff is ridiculous and you should feel ridiculous.
Emojis for all
Marlon Humphries is a very highly rated corner in the '13 class. As such, he's probably used to getting bombarded with tweets exhorting him to "OMG COME TO OUR SCHOOL." So when a Mississippi State fan named Sarah Jackson tweeted him a message saying, "I can't wait to see you at #HailState [winky-face emoji] [heart-eyes emoji]," he might not have thought anything of it. But for whatever reason (possibly because the accompanying avatar of a couple of young ladies) he opened her page. And, well...
I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, but are you for real? If you don't recognize the recipients (and good for you for not being a crazy stalker who tweets a bunch of recruits at the same time), they are all highly ranked recruits from the '13 class. The scary part is that this was just a sampling. There were more. MANY more. Jackson has since deleted her profile, which is probably a wise move.
The real mystery here, though, is the heart eye emojis. Humphries got one. Jamarco Jones didn't. About half got the heart eyes, but half didn't. I guess she ACTUALLY wanted to see some of them at #HailState, but didn't much care about the rest. But she still wanted do her recruiting duty. She had a job to do, ya know? Otherwise how would recruits know where they were wanted?
'Crootin, man. 'Crootin.
Who could have seen that coming?
Have you ever heard any sports talk radio? And do you remember that scene in Good Will Hunting where Ben Affleck goes to the job interview pretending to be Matt Damon? The good people at the LA Kings apparently answered those questions with a resounding "nope," and "was that the one where they were the angels and Alanis Morissette was God?" They allowed a morning radio host to take over their Twitter account for the second period of the Kings' playoff game against the Sharks. The results were duh:
If you were wondering, “what’s the worst that could happen,” Mr. Ryder opened the bidding at ‘rape joke.’ Now, in the Kings defense... uh... I've got nothing. This was the most obviously dumb thing ever.
A Sad, Final Jose Canseco Update
Regular readers to this column know my love of the exploits of Jose Canseco. His zany, carefree, tin-foil hat wearing, megalomaniacal attitude brought some amusing moments. In hindsight, those same traits, and indeed those same amusing tweets, hinted at a darker side to Canseco’s unstable psyche.
Yesterday, Canseco tweeted that he was being accused of rape. He named his alleged victim. He listed her phone number. He tweeted her address and place of work. He tweeted her picture. I don’t feel like going to deeply into the sordid details, but you can read a (details redacted) summary here and here. Needless to say that we will no longer be tracking what Mr. Canseco has to say, either in real life or on Twitter.
La Migra, Spanish term for the immigration authorities. Or at least this is how I interpret it based on lots of movies. So the inference is that the Dos Equis spokesguy is here illegally.
But really he's just a Jewish guy from the Bronx
Excellent for both Vines. Hilarious!
So captain America is our hero.and baseball is Americas game but they crucifie players who used steroids but love captain america juicer.lol
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 11, 2013
than I ever imagined. But I am going to miss the wisdom he shared in tweets such as the one above. Good-bye Jose, at least we'll always have 1993 and the fly ball that hit you on the head and bounced over the wall for a home run.
I mean, he has to know that Captain America is fictional, right?
Vine has taken social media to the next level. Almost to creep level when you think about it. Gone are the days of still photos with just captions. Now you can see video and hear audio. Pretty crazy.
Blake Countess doing backflips though...I'm cool with that!
Isn't Sarah Jackson the name of Manti Teo's girlfriend?
that the "Sarah Jackson" twitter account was set up by an assistant coach at Miss St?
and also, HAIL? i am sorry, UM owns HAIL. can we get the bastards who bust up youtube videos for obscure ownership issues down to wherever Miss St is and take back HAIL.
Miss St may have earned the HAIL for the next 5 years or so...
...they have not earned THAT.
but Miss St saying they own HAIL is like Delaware claiming they own the winged helmet or Sparty saying they are the football power program in the state or the Taliban claiming they are the world's foremost superpower.
that might be a little extreme. lets see what happens...
one of those schools beat us down that badly, we may have to concede those as well.
Also, Mississippi is like right in Tornado Valley, so they get HAILed on all the time. Maybe they are talking about the weather...
coming off a torn ACL.
Braylon did a full backflip in pads after we beat MSU (I think). He was the deep guy in the Victory formation. It was also why you didn't see him in Victory formations after that, Carr stuck him on the bench.
I think of Jimmy Buffet when I think Migration.
Buffet is where you go to eat.
Buffet is where Jimmy Buffett goes to eat.
And to think people still use steroids....
I remain blown away that men that large can do backflips so effortlessly. Amazing.
crack me up...Devin is awesome.
Can we get a shirt made "Oh you dont even know it"
PS...i tried Fitz dance moves last night, it didnt turn out well.
Video or it didn't happen!
It is incredibly refreshing to find a male dominated space where rape culture is called out and not considered acceptible or just something to ignore. Rape jokes and victim blaming contribute to a culture where rape is allowed and its nice to see it unequivocally called out, espcially on a sports blog, so thanks for that.
We are juvenile and neolithic in plenty of ways, but I'm shocked more people haven't come down on the correct side of the "is rape shaming okay" debate.
I'M JOSE CANSECOOOOOOO!!!!!!???????