You are UConn Coach:

I'd tell the team to write their wills and make sure to pay up on their life insurance premiums.

Cuz muhfuggaz gon die.

I would tell them it is almost a waste of time making the trip.

it doesn't matter what we do Saturday because RRod owns me.

I would probably just break down and cry.  Then I would pretend I was sick and make one of my assistants do all the hard work.

Probably play a soft zone and wait for Denard to make a mistake. I imagine that this is what most coaches will do with Denard.

We will find out quickly how much improvement he has made throwing the ball.

"you'll need it when Brock Mealer leads them Wolverines out of the tunnel."

RR does have a pimp hand and he aint afraid to use it!

is that on offense, you would run the ball at them, you'd throw it deep, you'd throw it over the middle, and you'd throw quick outs.  Throw in a couple off-tackle runs, and I'd say you've exhausted pretty much every option without actually saying much at all.

On defense, I can only hope their plan for stopping Denard is a LB spy.

...to keep thinking about their happy places, because that's not what the Big House will be for them.

'cmon man. You get paid for this stuff. Come up with your own game plan!

I would be crying because I would have no idea how I would stop Michigan's offense.

I would spend more time prepping for another game, one that I was able to win. Also, I'm sure he's thought of all of the things you've posted but with more detail both because he's a coach, and they're pretty obvious strategies (play to your strengths, exploit opponent's weaknesses). Regardless, I like this post. Nice to not be about the quarterback situation or moving the OSU game.

I'd spend all week trying to teach my team sign language, and make peace with God.  The house is gonna be LOUD, and we are gonna be HUNGRY.

cower in a corner, repeating "RichRod owns me" over and over, while banging my head against the wall.

I would not put the gameplan on the opposing team's blog. Quick, someone pass this on to the team!

lots of play action to test the LBs and CBs. on defense I'd pray.

Offense: Having to replace all 3 starting WRs, that offensive unit would be my priority.  And then getting them as many reps as possible till comfortable with the depth there.  Have confidence in Frazier, tell the Oline to be ready to pass protect all day and then go 4 wide.  If the defense is holding against the pass then have Frazier audible to outside runs with a WR clear out in front.

Deffense: put as many in the box as I can, go man in the secondary and make denard pass to sustain drives.  Make him prove he can throw against the secondary.

hear a collective gasp from half my team when the ground shook as 100 Winged Wolverines followed Mealer out of the tunnel.

Hit fast, hit often and take your friends with you. As EDSBS said, (Airsoft) guns don't kill people, the Michigan Defense does.

Ok, so he didn't mention Airsoft, I just couldn't help myself.

The Linebackers will be to the coach, "Coach, I didn't actually see Denard, but he sure sounded  fast."  I hope Edsall wears his brown pants.

I would be very concerned about the fact that Cincinnati's spread offense racked up 45 points on me and that they don't have a guy like DR.

I would play standard Lloyd Carr ball, run, run, run, short pass, run, play action pass TD.

On D, I would make Denard throw as much as possible, by bringing the safeties in to stop the run. With Tate, it would be a more balanced D, but try to prevent Tate from rolling out too much (he's most dangerous here, IMO).

Brian has documented a couple of our answers to that scheme. And you know McGee and RR have more where that came from. On top of that, the scrape doesn't do you a whole lot of good with your DE's crashing on every play when we bust out the option. Like others have said, an LB spy isn't going to do anything against Denard. On defense their best bet is to collapse the pocket ASAP, get the D-Line's hands up to break up passes and hope to god that Denard has mercy on them.

I would tell my players "your girlfriends probably shouldn't watch this game.  It ain't gonna be good...you are going to look so flacid that your ladies might leave you for I.T. nerds, or become fur traders". 

I would take the team bus to Ypsi, where we would be sure to beat a team from Michigan and then drive back a hero!

...and I would feel a chill in the base of my spine. 

 I would then remove a bottle of Johnny Walker Green from the cupboard and drink toast to my impending destruction.