Touchdown Jesus on the Notre Dame coaching search
Touchdown Jesus has broken his silence on the Notre Dame coaching search. He has released a new Ten Commandments to guide the Notre Dame Search Committee and the incoming football coach.
Personally, I like them. Here they are:
(1) Michigan is the Lord thy God...thou shalt not raise the hopes of thy fans that thee might have a winning record against the Mighty Wolverines
(2) Thou shalt immediately sign thy coach to a 15-Year contract when he leads thee to the Gator Bowl in Year One
(3) Thou shalt not make unto thee the graven image of a win on senior day
(4) Remember to keep the football sabbath (BCS Bowl week) holy by not playing in any of the games
(5) Honor thy father (Michigan) and thy mother (USC) by ensuring that thee comes into each game as at least a 10 point underdog
(6) Thou shalt not kill thyself after the coming third loss in four years to Navy
(7) Thou shalt not steal tickets to the National Championship Game just so thee can claim that thee made it to the title game
(8) Thou shalt throw the ball when up three with 2 minutes left against thy Lord when thy Lord is running out of timeouts
(9) Thou shalt always bear false witness against the referees whenever thee loses to thy opponent
(10) Thou shalt not covet thy rival's coach, even if thy former coach and token ESPN senior citizen anchor thinks thee has a shot at Pete Carroll
And before you say it, yes I am bored watching the Patriots/Saints right now, even though it is a pretty damn good game. I wasn't quite bored or creative enough to put this list on stone tablets though...that would have been sweeter. Please feel free to suggest edits to these Commandments. As Stephen Colbert would say, I know that Touchdown Jesus is infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
(1) Michigan is the Lord thy God...thou shalt not raise the hopes of thy fans that thee might have a winning record against the Mighty Wolverines
(2) Thou shalt immediately sign thy coach to a 15-Year contract when he leads thee to the Gator Bowl in Year One
(3) Thou shalt not make unto thee the graven image of a win on senior day
(4) Remember to keep the football sabbath (BCS Bowl week) holy by not playing in any of the games
(5) Honor thy father (Michigan) and thy mother (USC) by ensuring that thee comes into each game as at least a 10 point underdog
(6) Thou shalt not kill thyself after the coming third loss in four years to Navy
(7) Thou shalt not steal tickets to the National Championship Game just so thee can claim that thee made it to the title game
(8) Thou shalt throw the ball when up three with 2 minutes left against thy Lord when thy Lord is running out of timeouts
(9) Thou shalt always bear false witness against the referees whenever thee loses to thy opponent
(10) Thou shalt not covet thy rival's coach, even if thy former coach and token ESPN senior citizen anchor thinks thee has a shot at Pete Carroll
And before you say it, yes I am bored watching the Patriots/Saints right now, even though it is a pretty damn good game. I wasn't quite bored or creative enough to put this list on stone tablets though...that would have been sweeter. Please feel free to suggest edits to these Commandments. As Stephen Colbert would say, I know that Touchdown Jesus is infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:47 PM ^
I like them... Hooray BOREDOM
November 30th, 2009 at 10:51 PM ^
Someone from ESPN needs to make it obvious to Lou Holtz that it may be right for him to retire, because every show it seems like he says something more outrageous than the last. But still, this is a really funny list.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:53 PM ^
one wonders if *THE KNOWLEDGE* has relocated to South Bend in order to repeatedly post during their coaching search
-yes-
November 30th, 2009 at 11:01 PM ^
THE KNOWLEDGE doesn't need to be in South Bend to know what is going on in the Notre Dame coaching search. THE KNOWLEDGE knows all by simply being THE KNOWLEDGE.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:22 PM ^
Watch the smoke:
http://nd.edu/~ktrujill/nocoach.gif
November 30th, 2009 at 11:32 PM ^
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
December 1st, 2009 at 1:14 AM ^
TD Jesus is not even a good mural.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:57 AM ^
Truth be told, when you stand directly in front of it and look at the whole thing, it's phenomenally ugly. Classic 60's public art gone horribly wrong. Cool tradition (at least before the expansion of ND Stadium), but golly, it's ugly.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 AM ^
As I will be upset because I like BK and he can't be coaching the damn domers!