Top Coach

Submitted by skwasha on

Top Coach

 

On tonite's episode of Top Coach we'll be going to Ann Arbor, MI. As usual your host for the evening is Ms. Erin Andrews. Our head judge is Mr. Lee Corso. Joining us tonite as a guest judge is Mr. David Brandon, Athletic Director at the University of Michigan.

 

As you are aware, coaches Fitzgerald, Peterson, and Harbaugh have already decided the ratings for this show were too low and umm left. But the show must go on.

 

So, contestants, for your quickfire challenge tonite each of you will attempt to lead your team to victory. However, there's a twist - there will be only two minutes left on the clock. Yes, it's the dreaded two minute drill challenge. Each team will begin down 8 points and with only a single time out remaining. 

 

Coaches, your challenge begins…. Now!

 

Coach Patterson is off to a strong start. He's already gotten his team to the 30 yd line. Will they get a TD here or stall out?

 

Coach Miles looked to be stuck at his own 40, but took his TO to think it over. They came back and aired it out on 4th and 3. Now they have a first down at the 12. Man that guy sure has guts Erin! Wait, did he just eat some grass? I love a coach that eats grass!

 

Looks like Coach Hoke is methodically working his way down the field. He's at the 50 and his RBs are dutifully cranking out 3-5yd at a time. That's some smashmouth football there Erin. Gotta wonder if he'll have enough time though.

 

Coach Gruden is steaming on the sidelines. His guys just took a holding call and they're now 3rd and 15 at their own 35. Would ya look at that - I love a coach with energy like that.

 

OK Lee, calm down.

 

Oh! And Coach Miles has his TD. They line up for the 2 pt conversion and… wow, nice bootleg option and the QB sneaks over for the conversion.

 

Coach Hoke looks like he's stalled out at the 20. With 1:02 on the clock he's taken his TO and has one last shot to get this in the endzone. Man I love his style of in your face smashmouth football!

 

OK Lee, we get it. Smashmouth. Good.

 

And with 1:08 left Coach Patterson has gotten the TD and the 2 pt conversion. He's tied it up. Really good looking ball being played by his guys. You know these small school guys have really been comin on strong lately. I love the moxie!

 

Coach Gruden is really workin over the refs. Meanwhile, his team is now at the 30 and threatening to score. Boy I would not wanna be those refs right now. Look at that glare. He's gonna pop a vessel at this rate. I love that intensity!

 

Checking back to Coach Patterson and it looks like he's gonna play for OT. He kicks it long. Oh no! the return man get's pile driven at the 30 and fumbles! What a stroke of luck for Coach P. You know Erin, that's good coaching right there. His guys went for the kill and got it.

 

Really Lee, just chill.

 

Meanwhile, Coach Miles has lined his guys up for the kick. The kick is away, but what's this? He actually had the kicker send it high but short. He's got his true freshman track star/WR sprinting underneath the ball. He goes up and comes down with the kick. What a ballsy call. The other team was definitely not expecting that kick. Wow! Where's my mascot helmet? Cuz that was just great!

 

Erin, why does Coach Miles keep looking at you like that? Do you know him or something? That weird smirk he keeps shootin this way is a little bit odd...

 

Shut up Lee.

 

OK. Coach Hoke is back from his TO and has them lined up. The QB drops back and… Oh! Caught at the 15! It's gonna be close. They're gonna have to measure. Oh no! Inches short. Looks like that's it for Coach Hoke in this challenge. The other team takes a knee and that's it. Tough break there. I love the way his kids played for him Erin. That guy sure can coach.

 

With 39 ticks on the clock, Coach Gruden's boys are now at the 15. Here they go. Nice little play action and he lobs it into the corner…. Touchdown! They line up for 2 and… it's good! They kick it off it looks like this one's going to OT as the other side takes a knee. Erin, why do they keep chanting Chuckie? What does that mean? I'm confused.

 

Coach Patterson has his boys lined up for a game-winning 40 yarded. The kick is up, and through. The win is his.

 

Let's see how Coach Miles is doing.

 

His boys have been working the sidelines to get into FG range. The clock now reads 23 seconds and they're at the 25. Nice little pass over the middle to get to the 14 yd line. But the clock is ticking. They get up to the line and spike it. 9 seconds left. Coach Miles calls the play… he has them run it to the middle of the field to give the kicker a better angle. Wait, what?!?!  A running play? Now he's desperately trying to call a TO but doesn't have any left. Confusion on the sidelines. And that's it. In position to win it, but cursed by poor clock management. Erin I... well I just don't know what to say.

 

Well Coach Patterson clearly won this challenge. Still, great efforts by each of our contestants. There's no longer immunity, but in recognition of your win Coach, you've been granted a two year contract extension. And in the elimination challenge you'll be given home-field advantage.

 

Hey Erin, why is Coach Miles still smilin at you even though he lost?

 

Shut up Lee.

 

As you know there can be only one Top Coach. The winner will get a brand new Head Coaching contract worth $3M+/yr with the University of Michigan. For your elimination challenge we will be heading to the Big House. There you'll be performing a set of tasks vital to being a Top Coach. Afterwards we'll review your results at judge's chalkboard and one of you will be named Top Coach. Good Luck.

 

After the break we'll see how our contestants do in their elimination challenge.

 

Mr. Brandon, you haven't said a word yet. Anything you'd like to add?

 

Well... ummm... no.

 

OK then. More after the break!

 

<Commercial Break>

 

Get in on Top Coach mania. Text your vote for the winner to 6462564 (your carrier's standard message and data rates may apply.)

michiganfanforlife

January 10th, 2011 at 9:42 AM ^

but I also like Top Chef. Nice parody, and I think I would like Patterson now please. Actually, I can see a bunch of different coaches doing well for Michigan. I would really like someone who is a defensive specialist, though.

the_ricker

January 10th, 2011 at 10:27 AM ^

If only this were real life...that would mean DB wouldn't need to procrastinate for another three weeks, the decision would be made for him and we'd have Patterson!  Can someone make this happen?

MGoCards

January 10th, 2011 at 10:40 AM ^

Someday, there will be a reality show to determine a football coach. It will probably by a Div II level hire, with some kind of competition using ringers and between high school coaches and Div II level assistants.

Remember that show 4th and Long that Michael Irvin did on Spike? I watched every episode (my cousin was a contestant). It was riveting TV. And, not to mention, the actual winner of the series actually ended up winning a spot on the Cowboys' active roster. 

This would be good TV. 

readyourguard

January 10th, 2011 at 6:34 PM ^

I liked the presentation but frankly, my chicken was raw.  Did you check it before you served it?  And what was this?  Parsnip?  I'm sorry, but I felt it leant nothing to the dish.  It seemed like an after thought, to me.

Other than that, good job.

Thank you, chef.