I wrote this a long time ago to poke fun of a friend who graduated from sParty-land. Its long...hope you enjoy!
6:17 AM: Wake up, ass to the world, ready for an exciting day of tailgating with all your best Bro’s, Brah’s or Brohems. Recall the happenings of last night, which can be summed up with 4 words: malt, hops and bong resin.
6:34 AM: Get dressed. Put on same silver gym shorts you wear every day paired with green Izzone tee shirt. Locate your favorite Detroit team ball cap (flat brim) and put it on, cocked awfully to the side, in a failed attempt to cover up last nights smoke scented hair.
6:36 AM: Look at yourself in the mirror and think, “Wow I am one sexy bitch.” Greet your Bro who is wearing a “Chad Henne rhymes with douche bag” tee. He graduated 2 years ago, so its completely still relevant.
6:47 AM: Realize that everything fun you used to be able to do at the tennis courts is now illegal. Fail. Maybe all that rioting wasn’t such a good idea. Wait…yeah it was!
6:53 AM: Take first beer bong of the day. Many many more to come. Que favorite T.I. song and get amped for the big game.
7:05 AM: Head to double decker McDonald’s carrying a ragged 30 pack of Keystone, leftovers from last night. Order 16 dollars worth of breakfast and wonder what happened to your high school 6-pack. The abs brand Sparty!
7:47 AM: Head to Wal-Mart to purchase more beer and random Spartan paraphernalia. Contemplate the irony of one of your favorite Wolverine bashes.
8:16 AM: Arrive at tennis courts and shotgun 7 straight beers. Commence first black out of the day.
10:27 AM: Fall out of your preferred black out stage and come back slightly to reality.
10:29 AM: Stumble across random Michigan fan (obviously arrogant) that is wearing a tee shirt saying, “East Lansing is a Woman of Negotiable Affection.” Blurt out “Yeah! Our chicks are way hotter than yours!” Walk away with gratification. Man, you told him off good.
10:42 AM: Steal a fifth from a friendly tailgate and take pulls off the bottle with your Bro’s.
11:12 AM: Meet up with logo tee Michigan fan again who politely asks what “go on through for MSU” means. Reply by saying, “It means we fucking kick ass!” Maintain your cocky façade but secretly think that you have no freakin’ clue what that means.
11:16 AM: Shots kick in. Commence second black out of the day. Still not noon yet.
12:58 PM: Come back to reality somehow sitting in the student section. Time travel is awesome.
12:59 PM: Realize your beloved Sparty is losing, again. Fail.
1:06 PM: Sparty picks up a 3rd and 2 and you get to listen to the totally awesome 300 clip on the loud speaker. Tell your Bro how creative you think it is.
1:07 PM: Recall your conversation with logo tee Michigan fan and think, god our fight song sucks. I don’t even know the words. Hey! I haven’t seen that cool 300 clip in a while…
1:14 PM: Look over and notice Michigan fan sitting in the student section. Recall freshmen year training and ask him if he goes to Michigan. He replies by saying no, but that Michigan is his favorite team. You politely tell him to fuck off and remind him that you have to go to the school to be a fan of the school. Duh.
1:23 PM: Pull out personal flask of Canadian Club, down a good majority of it and commence 3rd black out of the day. Congrats mom and dad.
3:30 PM: Rejoin reality yet again sitting on your futon preparing to watch the Michigan game. Find yourself rooting harder for the team playing Michigan than your own team during the game.
4:14 PM: Logo tee Michigan fan walks by your residence kinda smirking. Yell out thing #2 you learned as a freshmen, “Oh yeah?!? Well wait till basketball season, we don’t care about football anyway!”
4:37 PM: Find one hitter from last night and use what is left of the resin. Find 40 of Milwaukee’s Best in fridge. Bong that. Commence 4th black out of the day.
5:00 PM: During mid black out, face Tom Izzo’s house and say 5 salats. (Islamic prayer if you were wondering Sparty.)
7:22 PM: Yet again you miraculously regain consciousness and get ready to drink your sorrows away. Realize you are holding a fish bowl filled with vomit. Is it yours? You’ll never know.
7:30 PM: Don Ed Hardy shirt, wish it had just one more rainbow tiger on it, and head to Rick’s. Obviously, to pick up hot chicks.
8:30 PM: Still standing in line at Rick’s. Man there must be some hot tail in there tonight!
9:21 PM: Fuck this man I hate Rick’s anyway.
9:22 PM: Head back to your pad and drink the night away.
10:01 PM: Glance at the news while trying to find your favorite episode of The Real World. Get caught up in a political argument about the differences between Conservatives and Republicans.
10:04 PM: Realize your head hurts, from thinking, obviously not all the drinking you have been doing today. Notice that (insert random MSU wide receiver) has been arrested.
11:43 PM: Bet your Bro 5 dollars (which you don’t have) that you can break a bottle of beer over your head. You succeed, your Bro doesn’t pay you, and you black out for the 5th and final time in one day.
Roughly 75% of these events happened to me or around me when I was at State. Thoughts?