Hey, check out my Top 11 News Updates from the NFL Lockout Negotiations:
11. In a stunning reversal, the owners have now agreed to pay players "time-and-a-half" for games that go into OT
10. A key compromise was reached when the Players Association responded to the owners' proposal to shorten halftime by requesting that, in exchange, a row of Honey Buckets be installed on all NFL sidelines
9. The ongoing controversy over endorsement royalties for the New Orleans Saints' new voo-doo dolls of opposing players is proving to be a much more difficult sticking-point than originally expected (can I get a rimshot?)
8. A bloc of veteran quarterbacks are reported to be resisting the proposed transition to a fluorescent Nerf football. Spokesperson Brett Favre was quoted as saying, "In my day, footballs were brown." An unnamed league official, when asked for a response, said, "What the f**k does Favre know? He was in Wrangler commercials. Recently."
7. A tentative agreement has been reach on "casual Sundays," in which players will be permitted to wear khakis and polo shirts instead of the regular NFL uniform
6. Though defensive players are already subject to league-imposed fines for such things as "tackling too hard," the owners--in response to perceived fan interest in increased offensive production--are asking for the authority to impose fines on defensive players for new infractions such as "covering receivers too effectively" and "maintaining too much gap integrity."
5. A group of NFL kickers has broken away from the negotiations in protest after the Players Association voted to approve a proposal to begin all games with a "throwoff" in place of the usual kickoff, and to require all kickers to wear pink single-bar facemasks.
4. Insiders are saying the owners now may agree to guaranteed contracts, provided any player signing such a contract provides his team a vial of semen and authorizes management to use it in breeding future prospects
3. The negotiations have reached a serious impasse over whether NFL pensions should be calculated based on a life expectancy of 48 years or 51 years.
2. Owners withdrew their proposal for an annual preseason exhibition game to be played on the deck of a U.S. aircraft carrier after learning that carrier flight decks are actually wider than 53 yards
1. After a prolonged mediation session lasting into the wee hours, both sides have finally agreed to include a "no-trade-to-the-Arizona Cardinals" clause standard in every NFL contract.
Happy Friday & Go Blue!