Sec. 12, Row 39 - Everything Wrong with Fans

Submitted by STW P. Brabbs on

An Open Letter to the Douchebags Who Sat in front of Me for the Penn State Game:

Dear Sirs:

I just wanted to reach out and thank you for adding a big dollop of douche dressing to the shit sandwich that was the Penn State game on Saturday. Not sure if my serotonin levels could have been so low without you. It all started when you astutely realized, as an accomplished football observer, that it was Unacceptable for the ball to be snapped past the quarterback and through the back of the end zone. I'm not sure that Tate or Moosman realized the error of their ways - or how to correct that error - until you screamed for them to pull their head out of their ass. Well played. Likewise, your squeals of righteous indignation when the referee reset the play clock to 25 seconds after Michigan's field goal at the end of the half were perfectly understandable, if not inevitable - I mean, you're football geniuses, but I bet even Bill Bellichek has trouble keeping the game clock and the play clock straight sometimes. What the hell is with those two clocks, anyway? If not Unacceptable, that degree of complexity is certainly Bullshit.

It really made the 40 degree drizzle feel like a warm tongue bath from Mother Nature when one of your Merry Band of Paunch and Disappointing Home Lives realized the phonetic similarity between Koger and Kroger, and I was treated to the delightful bon mot "Go Bag Some Groceries, Koger!" about 14 fucking times. By the time the third quarter rolled around and y'all were asking for scholarships to be revoked it was really no surprise; still less so when the most majestic of your number stood up and proclaimed that he should put some pads on and go tackle someone himself if the team wasn't going to do it. I'm surprised it took so long for someone in your group to remember - and invoke, for the collective edification of the rest of the section - your glory days of (junior?) varsity football, only three decades past, when sex was still free and (generally) consensual.

You, good sirs, achieved an almost unheard level of douchebag fan achievement on Saturday, and I hope your drunken commute home collided only with telephone poles, non load-bearing concrete, or the Huron River, and not any worthwhile human beings.

Big Ups and Go Blue,

Brabbs

blueblueblue

October 26th, 2009 at 8:58 AM ^

It is funny how all these complaints about our fans have accumulated after, and coincide with, our embarrassing drubbing at home. It is a football game for crying out loud, not a tennis match. The ability to act like asshole fans is a socially constructed norm of going to a football game.

Our focus should be on what the hell happened on the playing field, on the sidelines, on the practice field. Like - I haven't seen any talk about the argument between RR, Gerg, and a 3rd coach over the fucked up 12 men on the the field time out. I saw said 3rd coach vehemently yell at RR. How could he possibly do that at a football game? Where was his constraint? It is unseemly to display such emotion, especially in a way that does not conforms to our high standards. Shame on him.

And like - RR looked very very pissed even before we were losing, before I had any idea we were going to get stomped. He knew something we didn't. He could see things we could not. Methinks he knew the team was outmatched long before we did.

fatbastard

October 26th, 2009 at 1:18 PM ^

one thing that I wish everyone would understand is that YOU DO have the ability to directly affect the game by being as LOUD as you can, and causing delay of game or confusion by the offense. However, you do not need to be a douche to do so.

KTChicago

October 26th, 2009 at 3:39 PM ^

and was screaming at the beginning of the game. I found, though, that PSU made big plays when I did this, so I stopped screaming just to see what would happen. Lo and behold, this strategy worked for awhile...so I of course attributed better defensive performance to my decision not to scream. That turned out poorly, of course. I now think it was the t-shirt I was wearing so I won't wear that t-shirt and will try screaming again. I'll let you know how it turns out after the OSU game.

STW P. Brabbs

October 26th, 2009 at 9:12 AM ^

You think there's an equivalence between coaches yelling at each other and at players, and idiot fans screaming at the players? My complaint was not: some people are loud and make angry faces, and I think that's mean. It was that the fans were a) mouthbreathing idiots and b) howling at 18-19 year-old kids who probably weren't having that much fun getting the shit beat out of them by Penn State as it was.

Yell, swear, be loud, be drunk - there is no problem with this. There was a guy a couple seats down from these clowns who was so fucking drunk he couldn't stand and just kept screaming "ARE YOU WITH ME???!?!" before getting kicked out in the third quarter - this was amusing as opposed to infuriating, because even though he was drunk and obnoxious, he wasn't being an asshole. He also may have had more football insight than the gentlemen profiled above.

A fundamental right to be an asshole? I ain't with ya. Also, I'm not sure what your point is re: more complaints about asshole fans as the team struggles. What do you think inspires assholes to be assholes in the first place?

blueblueblue

October 26th, 2009 at 9:19 AM ^

"You think there's an equivalence between coaches yelling at each other and at players, and idiot fans screaming at the players?"

No. I drew a comparison. Doing so does not mean equivalence.

"A fundamental right to be an asshole?"

Asshole - No. "Asshole fan", which is what I said, using your description of fans as a definition - Yes. Don't suddenly re-characterize what I said, it will not get by me.

"Also, I'm not sure what your point is re: more complaints about asshole fans as the team struggles. What do you think inspires assholes to be assholes in the first place?"

Um, that was my point. Saying we should re-direct our focus to the team, coaches, and the correlation with pissed off, asshole fans, should have made this abundantly clear.

STW P. Brabbs

October 26th, 2009 at 9:36 AM ^

Posted by sjastrz - what the hell difference does it make if we "redirect our focus" to the team and the coaches? If we focus enough, will we figure out all the team's problems, and someone can then type up a brief report that can be FedExed to Schembechler Hall?

Also, point still stands: whether you would characterize the behaviors in the original post as "asshole" behavior or "asshole fan" behavior, I can't agree that there's no reason to take umbrage with this because they're at the game and they can do what they want. Do they have a 'right' to do this shit? Sure - just like I have a 'right' to rip chili farts in a crowded train and talk really fucking loud about how I wish China would invade the United States and have another period of REAL cultural reeducation that would make Kevin Federline the Minister of Music. That doesn't mean I'm not a douchebag if I do so, and that people shouldn't call me out and put forward my crowd pollution as behavior to be avoided.

Don

October 26th, 2009 at 9:23 AM ^

"The ability to act like asshole fans is a socially constructed norm of going to a football game."

"I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever."

Greg McMurtry

October 26th, 2009 at 10:22 AM ^

at the game (who happened to be sitting near me) clearly did not know some of the most basic rules of the game. I believe you alluded to the fact that when the referee asked that the clock operator reset the "play" clock to 25 seconds many people around me whined "you can't add time to the clock" thinking the ref meant adding time to the "game" clock. I also had "angry guy" behind me yelling profanities every time a UM player made a poor play i.e. "you stupid c**ks*cker" at Schilling when called for holding on Minor's big gain. These types of fans got pretty annoying during the game. I'd also like to add that I had end zone seats and the stadium was NOT loud at all except for the drive where PSU got called for several back to back false start penalties. I'm not sure if this was due to the fact that the end zone is not much louder even though the boxes have been added. It seemed that the whole stadium was just not particularly loud on Saturday.

SpreadGuru

October 26th, 2009 at 10:27 AM ^

we have "SOME" fans who are just assholes. But let's get off of the stance that we are somehow different from every other college football team in the country. ALL teams have assholes who pay their money and feel it is their right (which it might be) to bitch, complain, whine, moan and threaten action. We cannot stop those people and as long as their aren't little kids around, we should deal with it (even though it sucks).

The difference resides in this...when this team gets rolling (AND WE WILL), those assholes need to stay the fuck off of the bandwagon. You know who you are, you hypocritical jerk offs...Stand up, be a man, and stay the hell out of Michigan Stadium.

UM TO REBOUND HUGE THIS WEEK!!!!

chitownblue2

October 26th, 2009 at 10:31 AM ^

I've avoided clicking this thread for the past few hours, because I thought it was going to be another "SOME OLD DUDE TOLD ME TO SIT DOWN SO I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE" thread.

Now, I wish I clicked sooner. Well done, Mr. Brabbs.

StephenRKass

October 26th, 2009 at 11:03 AM ^

Extremely well written, enjoyable to read, full agreement with your characterization of one slice of fandom.

What you are expressing so eloquently is the need for people to get a life. Yes, I want Michigan to win, but my life doesn't depend on it, doesn't revolve around it, and tomorrow is another day.

Aequitas

October 26th, 2009 at 11:12 AM ^

You had me at the "warm tongue bath from Mother Nature".

Anyone defending Michigan fans who mock our players, is just as douchey as the "fans" who sat in front of Brabbs.

The Squid

October 26th, 2009 at 12:15 PM ^

Also, I'd like to point out to the guy sitting behind me that "Let's Go Brew" isn't the delightfully witty and original piece of rhyme he thought it was nor was it magically transformed into such after the 100th time he shouted it into my ear.

agutting09

October 26th, 2009 at 3:54 PM ^

You expect too much from general football fans. Half the student section also erupted in displeasure when they confused the play clock for the game clock.

genericmichiganfan

October 26th, 2009 at 5:41 PM ^

I felt like punching someone in the face when I heard the boos as the ref announced the play clock was being reset to 25 seconds. It was a classic facepalm moment where you realize just how stupid some fans are. I was just like, "Um, people, the refs didn't just magically find 15 seconds and decide to add them to the game clock. The ball fell off the tee. Pay Attention."

PSALM 23 Rod N…

October 26th, 2009 at 8:52 PM ^

I have great seats Section 44 Row 50. I have owned those tickets for about 5 years.
Call me silly but I would rather sit in the Endzone.

I have had my "other" seats in Section 36 for about 20 years. I have become very good friends with many people in our section. My best friends have obtained tickets in our section. Two of my fathers friends possess 8 tickets in front and behind my seats. As a result we have about 30 people sitting together. Most of comments are constructive, lots of cheering, lots of sharing of scores, sharing binoculars, sharing info from radio broadcasts. When I take the kids, seemingly the entire sections of fans look out for my kids, and knows them. Noone gets too blown out drunk and/or too obnoxious. The language is rarely if ever profane. The fans cheer loud and stand up.

Section 36.....Everything that is right.

You are welcome anytime in 36 Brabbs. I read your comment and thought of the people you mentioned in your section and the old adage, "Tis better to have people think you are an A-Hole, then to open your mouth and prove it." Go Blue and I hope NOV 7 game is better for you.

bigge1014

October 28th, 2009 at 4:41 AM ^

I dont think standing is necessary but making noise is. Aren't we tired of other teams saying the big house isn't intimidating? Aren't we tired of tv broadcasters saying michigan is quiet compared to other, smaller stadiums. i live out of state and can only make a game or two per year, unfortunately. when i do go i get irritated at all of the people around me sitting on their hands and only making noise when something great happens or we score a touchdown. Where's the enthusiasm?
With 100,000+ we should be one of the loudest stadiums in the country but aren't because of how many fans sit quietly like they are watching a play on a stage. A louder stadium directly effects the other teams offense and can help our team. I don't have a problem if you want to sit the entire game, but show some emotion for your team...make some noise!

Feat of Clay

October 29th, 2009 at 12:24 AM ^

I think enduring that kind of fan is especially galling after you've found refuge at MGoBlog. It's an oasis from the worst of the fan retardness here.

If we spent more time reading comments in the sports section of the Detroit papers, for example (some of which they actually PRINT in the paper the next day to give the morons yet a wider audience--jesus wept!) douchebags like the one sitting in front of Brabbs would incite something akin to numb despair, rather than exasperation.

doughboy

October 29th, 2009 at 12:38 AM ^

I had two 20-something PSU fans stand in front of me and my wife the entire game. They were enthusiastic (without being bombastic) and properly attired for their team (over 100 blue/white pon-pons duck taped to their white PSU shirt). These two were a pain for several of the veterans in our section that wanted them to "sit down" - but my wife and I (who've been in these seats for 20 years) and the buddies next to us had no problem! The point being - what you describe is unacceptable, as you suggest, but should be differentiated from those fans, be they for or against the home team, that are exhibiting characteristics different from the norm and those who are just plain idiots.