Reports from the Front

COLUMBUS - Here we are in Columbus in front of a crowd of 10,000 alumni and 75,000 trucker drivers' children, panic in the streets.

In the week leading up to the legendary Michigan-ohio state bout, students at the poisonous-nut academy take to the streets in a drunken fit to jump in the maybe-once-was-majestic mirror lake.  In a tradition dating back long before most participants were born (circa 1990), students take the plunge in the frigid lake to douse themselves water, manliness, and duck feces.

The lake itself is a man-made pond that was last known to be clean out by this writer 2 years ago.  In the summer it is dark and murky, quite a feet for being approximately 4 ft deep.

While the exact beginnings of the tradition are shrouded in mystery; some believe it started in the twenties, while others report that a mere 4 years ago yielded 100 jumpers, maybe less.

While the origins may remain a mystery, one thing is for certain: it makes so much sense.

"Well, Michigan is our rival, so what better way to show them we will beat them than to jump into this [disgusting] lake" says gym major Jim Kapuna.  For others, however, it is not all fun and games. "I came out with a flesh eating bacteria" says one frosh, while I report "some student was puking in the alley at 8:30."

If nothing else, this tradition shows how this campus comes together for a common enemy.  "Its too cold to jump" says one Silly Putty major, a sure sign of confidence.

While the campus stands together in solitude against the Wolverines, this writer sits in his room, drinking his High Life and listening to the drunken chants of "We don't damn give the Michigan" room, wondering why I am here.

From TJDN News, I am

Deep Under Cover