And someone had a high chair upside down with a tiny tiny baby in a carrier on top of the legs. The baby fell off. The place was silent. All you could hear was the mother sobbing. When our younger daughter was about 8 months in one 3 day out of town trip she barfed on me in restaurants 3 times. The third time I just sat the covered in nasty puke, canceled my food and waited to go home.

Probably ten years ago, I was at a bar in Jackson with some friends and some friends of friends. It was Saturday night, so the place was packed. We were spread around the place, I was at the bar with my girlfriend and a few other friends when we saw something breaking out on the dancefloor between one of ours and some other meatheads (over a girl). A few punches thown, and all the sudden the whole area surrounding us was just chaos. Blood everywhere, I got leveled as I turned around to get my woman out, hopped up and grabbed her and bulled my way to the other side of the bar. 

While I was making sure she was alright, the cops came in about six deep. I saw them approach one guy who was still locked up with another guy, hero guy turns around and shoves the cop. In one quick, fluid motion the billy club was out and upside hero boy's head. They dragged him out, and everyone kind of evaporated after that. 

Instagram and Pinterest is loaded with foodie photos. I mean am I supposed to impressed or inspired by someone's sushi from a swanky restaurant? Posting this stuff on Facebook makes one "unfriendable".

Back to the strange restaurant story, I admit going to the Old Country Buffet on Eisenhower because it was a great place to take small kids and saw this man who didn't appear to be poverty stricken load his pants pockets with several big spoonfuls of corn from the buffet. I tried not to stare but watched in disbelief. I haven't eaten corn from any buffet since.

it wasn't creamed corn

from their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. My Dad got lost somewhere in upstate New York and as it was late, he stopped at  a motel that looked like the one in Psycho. After ringing the desk bell repeatedly, an old lady who looked like Margaret Hamilton (the Wicked Witch of the West) came out and registered them for the night. My Mom was really hungry and asked if she could have something to eat even though the motel's restaurant was closed. The old lady was really pissed, but she said that she would see what she could do. A half hour later she brought a barely cooked burger with blood oozing out of it on two slices of moldy rye bread. She told my Mom "here's your burger", sat down, and watched her eat it so she could take the plate back. The minute she left, my Mom ran to the bathroom and threw up.

At every table they have a big bowl of pickles that customers help themselves to. They don't change that bowl from one customer to another; they only replace it when it's empty. So, I'm sitting there and there's an elderly couple next to me, and the old guy takes a bite out of the pickle and says: "Dill, I don't like that kind" and he repaces the pickle BITTEN SIDE DOWN in the bowl. They leave and the new customers at their table start chomping down on the pickles.

Another good one: my husband and I were eating at Kansaku, a sushi place in Evanston. We had a table in the window. Three Northwestern students walked by the window, which I didn't really notice until they came back and stood right outside where we were sitting. Suddenly, one of the guys dropped his drawers and pressed his bare ass against the window right in front of us. He left it there for a good 5 - 10 seconds (which is a really long time to have someone's bare ass in your face) and then pulled away, pulled up his pants and they all walked away. We were stunned. Honestly, I still haven't recovered. 

Went to the Bavarian Chef in Virginia and spent 75$ on the nastiest chicken dinner imaginable. Everything was drenched in this like sugary syrup and it was just awful.

Not the food - the Service.

I pulled up to the drive through and I ordered my standard meal - Turkey Carver Sandwich. Say what you will about Boston Market, I always enjoy it. I checked the bag, and I saw a sandiwich and side of redskins in there, perfect.

When I got home (about 10 minutes away), I saw that I had been given a HAM carver instead. At that time, I couldn't eat mustard - at all. Even the tinest bit was vomit city (I can choke it down if I have to now). So I drove all the way back down to Toledo, went in, and showed them my reciept and the sandwich. The girl behind the counter is visibly annoyed, but snatches the reciept away and goes behind the counter with my sandwich to make me a new one.

A minute later, she comes back with it, all wrapped up as they do. This time, I'm not driving back home before I eat, so I sit down at a table. Unwrap my sandwich - It's turkey... in the same bun as before, dripping with mustard sauce. She just took the ham out and put turkey in instead.

I go back up to the counter, "Um, this isn't a Turkey carver, you just took the Ham out and put Turkey in. I don't like Mustard."

*Sneering* "You want me to make you a WHOLE NEW SANDWICH?"

"I WANT you to make me what I ordered and payed for."

I did finally get the sandwich, but I didn't go back to that Boston Market for about 5 years.

I went into a diner once and tried to order plain omelet, no potatoes - tomatoes instead, a cup of coffee and wheat toast.

The waitress tells me, "No substitutions."

I say, "What do you mean? You don't have any tomatoes?"

She gets all snippy and says, "Only what's on the menu. You can have number two, a plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries and rolls."

But I tell her, "I know, but it's not what I want.  So I try this, "I'd like a plain omelet. No potatoes on the plate. A cup of coffee and a side order of wheat toast."

And she tells me, "I'm sorry, we don't have any side orders of toast. I'll give you an English muffin or a coffee roll."

I'm like, "No side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don't you?"

She shrugs and says, "Would you like to talk to the manager?

So I'm pissed and I tell her,"I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like a plain omelet and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast. No mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce, and a cup of coffee."

She reads it back, "A number two.  A chicken sal san. Hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee."  She says, "Anything else?"  

I say, "Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for a chicken salad sandwich - and you haven't broken any rules."

And she's all snotty and asks me, "You want me to hold the chicken, huh?"

I tell her, "I want you to hold it between your knees."

Things just deteriorated from there, and my party ended up being kicked out of the joint.

 

Was at a bar/restaurant watching the Michigan/State game and a table full of sparties had the game on a little TV, while the rest of the bar watched on the big screens with a few second delay. The instant either team would snap the ball the sparty table would be yelling "yes!!!" or "fuck!!!" or "touchdown!!!" because they were a few seconds ahead of everybody. I'm pretty sure I threw my fries at them, but by that time my beer was making decisions for me so I'm not 100% on the details.

In a Restaurant Bar here in STL in Jan. 2012 watching the Sugar Bowl with the wife...some loud guy kept yelling at the t.v. and mouthing off about how F'd we were when Molk couldn't go the first or second series.  Then, to make matters worse, he's yelling about the officiating and the lack of any offense except "throw it up and see if Junior can go up and get it".  This guy was loud, talking smack and only seemed to care about the game.  At half time, his wife took him home mad as hell.  Yeah, and i still hear about it from her every time i suggest we go "out" for a Michigan Game!!  sigh~~~

A long time ago I was with some buddies at a bar, maybe in Arizona, maybe Tunisia, who knows. The whole experience started out rough, with two of my buddies getting kicked out for some BS reason pretty much as soon as we walked in. Really tough place, and we knew we had to be cautious. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I take a seat at the bar while my friend (let's call him Ben) wanders off to talk to someone he apparently knew, I'm minding my own business when this really ugly guy, out of nowhere, gives me a shove. This is the last place I want to have trouble, so I just pretend that it never happened. Another ugly-looking dude then taps me on the shoulder and lets me know that his friend doesn't like me. So that explains it. Okay, great. I just say I'm sorry and go back to my drink. Not satisfied with my answer, the guy grabs me and pointedly tells me, "I don't like you either!" and goes on to brag about how he and his buddy are wanted men and are so badass and dangerous. Not good.

(Un)fortunately, Ben had been next to me the whole time and tries to quell the situation, telling them I'm not worth their time (thanks, ass). Ugly guy spewing the threats suddenly shoves me and I go flying back into the wall. Fucker then draws a gun! Without skipping a beat, Ben cuts the dude's arm off! Stunned silence, but he showed everyone who's boss. Things calmed down but we ended up leaving with some friends in a hurry.

Crazy times.

For getting my order wrong

I oscillate between laughing and feeling like I'm going to puke.

My then Fiancee now wife and I were at a wedding at the Drake hotel in Chicago having a great time.  It is late and we go to the rooftop to grab some fresh air and we have a spectacular view ovewrlooking Lake Michigan and Lake Shore Drive.  One thing leads to another when you are 22 years old and soon her dress is hiked over her hips and my pants are down.

Shortly after we mutually finish in both splendor and grandjure as such a spontaneous moment would illicit we are collecting ourselves as we hear the slow clap, whistles and applause from patrons of another banquet as it would seem the Drake has multiple levels and we are not on the actual rooftop.

Her words to me as I waved to the crowds like Russel Crowe in Gladheateher "NOW!  WE LEAVE NOW!"

 

Had an early reservation (6:15 PM) on a Saturday night in the summer at a nice restaurant on Main Street in Ann Arbor.  Walked in and found the place pretty quiet with only one other table occupied and was promptly seated at the worst table in the place (right next to the swinging kitchen door).  I politely asked to move to a table about 5 feet away and was told that we would have to be done eating in one hour if we wanted another table since they had "lots of reservations" later that evening (mind you, the place was nearly empty and I had a reservation myself...).

I politely asked for the manager and rather incredulously told her that never in my life had I been given a timetable under which I had to finish eating a $200+ meal.  She told me that if I wanted to go back to my original table that we could have "up to two hours."  I told her that I'm sorry that the diners she was having later in the evening were more important than the ones she had there and walked out of the nearly-empty restaurant to take my business elsewhere.  It's the only time I've ever walked out of a restaurant.

Good Time Charley's:

At the bar and a friend orders a cranberry/vodka for his girlfriend.  Notices that they only put cranberry juice in it and no vodka.  Immediately gets tossed out of the bar.

I wasn't sad to see that place go.