OT - Share Your Favorite One-Liners
Mates,
Checking out of my regular food store today the lady there was having a hectic day dealing with some of the customers. Being a familiar face to her, as I walked by she said, 'I have a new hobby...Vodka!'. That got a smile out of me and it occurred that this board would probably have some dandy one-liners to share.
So, share some of the best one-liners you have ever heard, said, watched, etc. and remember to keep it semi-classy for our mgoblogging ladies.
from the wife...
I was raised as an only child - which really annoyed my sister.
Steven Wright. The king of one liners. Google quote him.
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What's another word for Thesaurus? , , , and many more of Steven Wright's Collection of One Liners
goes something like this, "I once put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time."
What seems to be the officer, problem?
Isn't this America!? I'm sorry, I thought this was America!
and
I'm going to beat (or f***) the brakes off her
They're out of YOU
He told me,"I'm the locksmith who locksmiths call."........ BOSS!!!
I wouldn't fuck her with Bea Arthur's dick
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue..
What Hitler did was terrible.......suicide is never the answer.
So you're telling me there's a chance!!!
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"That's what they all say . . . . "
-Me
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Repulse the monkey .
smoking within 100 feet of the hospital sir. "Well then wheel me further bitch." -Jesse Pinkman
You have to hand it to her.
"Just keep the tip."
I got a bike for my wife.
It was a good trade.
Motorcycles RUINED my marriage.
Thank God for miracles!!
Well, my favorite one liner is some cocaine and I don't share!
Cocaine
The only reason I'd kick you out of bed is if you were better on the floor..
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I look off into the distance and say matter of factly, "well... It'll all be over soon." The more trivial the complaint, the better.
Don't throw cigarettes into the urinal; it makes them soggy and hard to light.
You're about as pleasant as a fart in a phone booth.
Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer I just give you the money?
to take your virginity, but can I have the box it came in?
I told her I love her and she said 'so buy me a pony then'
You gotta slay a lot of dragons to get to the Princess (validation for bringing ugly broads home from the bar).
for spelling it out tips.
You betcha.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
We're talking about someone who's driveway doesn't go all the way to the street
...the guy doesn't quite have both oars in the water.
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a few frys short of a happy meal.
in the marquee.
One wave short of a shipwreck.
One can short of a six pack.
Not playing with a full deck of cards.
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I won't reach the back, but I'll fuck up the walls.
'cause when I look in your eyes, I turn rock hard.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
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And slow dancing
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My fart sounded like oatmeal going through a desk fan
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I could have shit through a screen door my last time in the bathroom
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I also like "it felt like my asshole sneezed in a bowl of pudding"
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Man, I've never heard that one. And I'm not the biggest potty humor enthusiast.
But damn this had me rolling for a solid minute or two. One of those sides cramping laughs.
Thank you!
Cheers!!
Hey guys...
Are farts wet and lumpy?
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Me too LMAO - had to text that to my wife who is at a bridal shower. Not received with much favor
The only piece of ass you get is when your fingers go through the the toilet paper.
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