ain't nothing inherently homosexual there neitha
this week in unintentionally grim-sounding recruiting headlines
ain't nothing inherently homosexual there neitha
That joke sucks dude.
But fuck = Butt fuck
woosh indeed, thanks for explaining it
I'm pretty sure he got it. I think what he is trying to say is that not all "butt fucking" is gay, not all gay people "but fuck" and that some people think "anal" isn't actually sex.
Haha. Or maybe he didn't get it. I guess I will add this:
I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too.
i like the fed ex guy, cuz he's a drug dealer and he dont even know it
In the Greek Army, how did they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar
The brunette ducked.
These are from my brother. When talking to someone ask them where there from. They say Detroit for example. Then you say "Only two things come from Detroit. Whores and hockey players! Which team does your mom play for?" Or. "A girl once asked me to kiss her where it stinks. So I took her to Detroit." Both great at breaking the ice. Sorry it isn't better separated. For some reason nothing happens when I press the enter key.
You've been warned. I'll probably be banned, but here it goes.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till your a teenager to come on your face.
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
...the horse says, "Because I just found out my wife has terminal cancer." /antijoked
How do you castrate an OSU fan? Kick his sister in the mouth.
Time to buy a watch.
Never gets old.
What does a gay horse eat?
(As you snap your fingers and use voice from Men on Films skit from In Living
A husband and wife are watching a tv show with a discussion of mixed emotions. After 15 minutes the husband says to the wife, this is bullsit. There's no such thing as mixed emotions. In fact I'll be you can't tel me one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time. His wife looks at him and says, " out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".
So Paddy is at the bar with his drinking buddies and they decide to have a contest: who can make the best toast? Paddy raises his glass and says, "Here's to spendin' the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" Everyone decides that's the winner and Paddy goes home with a pocketful of money.
Of course his wife wants to know where he got all the money and he tells her that he won the contest about making a toast. But he doesn't want to tell her what he told them, so he tells her the toast was, "Here's to spendin' the rest of me life at church next to me wife!"
The next day she is talking with one of her friends, who is a wife of one of Paddy's friends, and the friend says with a little wink, "Hey, I heard Paddy won the big toast-making contest last night. My husband told me all about it." Paddy's wife says, yes, but I don't understand what got him all enthusiastic about that kind of toast all of a sudden. "I have to drag him by the ears just to get him there, and as soon as he's there he falls asleep for an hour!"
I heard this one last week from the person scooping my ice cream: why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
I heard this one the second day after I moved to Texas: two guys from California were speeding across Texas on their way to Florida. They suddenly see the flashing lights in the rear view mirror and seeing it was a state trooper pull over. The trooper gets out, taps on the driver side window, as soon as the window was down he punches the driver in the mouth and the driver starts crying. He then calmly walks over to the passenger window and taps on it. The passenger slowly rolls down the window and WHAM, right in the jaw, the trooper punches him. He then walks back to the driver and hands him the speeding ticket. As the trooper is walking back to his car, the guys yell at him and ask what that was all about. The trooper turns and tells the driver, that was for when you would have protested your speed. The passenger says, what about me? Why did you punch me? The trooper says, that's for a mile down the road when you would have said, I wish he would have tried that shit with me.
I use this one around Christmas: a little girl gave her Daddy a long Christmas list one year. To try and teach her a lesson in being grateful he tells her to place her list next to the baby Jesus in their family nativity set and say a little prayer. The girl does it and goes up stairs. An hour later, she takes the list, tears it up. And makes a new list half as long. She places the new list next to the baby Jesus, says a prayer and goes up stairs. The Dad, watches proudly. An hour later, the little girl grabs the list, tears it up, and writes an even shorter list, leaves it with the baby Jesus, says a prayer and runs up stairs. The Dad, very proudly thinks he is a great parent. An hour later, the little girl tears up the old list, leaves a small slip of paper, grabs the Virgin Mary and hides her in the closet. Confused, the Dad goes to the Nativity to see what was on the small slip of paper. It said, Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will give me everything I want.
... They only had 1 animal. It was a shitzu.
So, you know that white stuff in bird shit? Do you know what that is?
It's bird shit.
Three men had a very late night drinking Molsen Canadians. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."
What's a pirate's favorite subway line?
(Most people, at this point say "It's the ARRRRRRRR!")
And I say, "You're WRONG! IT'S THE C!"
I like to run off a litany of ARRRRRR jokes (ARrrgyle, ARRrrbitration, ARRRRdvark) and then hit them with "What armed service did the pirate join?" Arrrrr-- no you idiot he's a pirate he'd join the Navy!
Insurance lawyer is like "so Mr. Pirate I see you've got a peg leg; how did that happen?"
Piriate says "Well you see, me and me mateys we were out on the high seas, and a strong wind comes on to blow, and the boom whipped 'round and knocked me into the sea and a shark ate me leg."
And our attorney is like "Oh well that's work-related; you can get some money for that. Tell me, I notice you have a hook instead of your hand there, how did you lose that?"
Piriate's like "Well you see, me and me mateys we were out on the high seas, and a strong wind comes on to blow, and the boom whipped 'round and knocked me into the sea and a shark ate me hand."
Insurance guy's like "Oh that's work-related too; you can get something for that. But now I notice you also have a patch over your eye, what happened to that?"
My brother does an Irish accent really well, and tells all these jokes where the protagonist is a drunken Irishman named Murphy. My favorite:
Murphy comes home one day, changes and is about to head out to the pub when he sees his wife is crying. "What's wrong?"
"You forgot didn't you! You were supposed to pick up the snails and we were going to have escargot like the night we met."
Murphy's like "Oh, I was just going out for the snails right now!"
So he makes it down to the grocery mart and gets a bag of snails, and is on his way home but passes the pub, and there in the door is his friend Paddy who's like "Murphy, you have to come in!" And Murphy explains about the anniversary and the dinner and Paddy's like "oh just one pint"
Now you must understand "just one pint" is the downfall of Irish society. So...nine pints later Murphy is stumbling back home and he's got the bag of snails, and as soon as he gets to his front door the bag rips open and the snails spill all over the ground. And as he's looking at this disaster the door opens and there's his wife with tears of anger on her face. And he looks down at the snails, and looks up at his wife, and looks down at the snails again and is like, "C'mon boys, we're almost home!"
Three guys from Detroit die and go to hell. Since the Devil hates Detroit he decides he wants to make sure these guys are getting especially punished. So he checks on their room and they're all sitting around with cocktails and grilling hot dogs in the hellfires, and he's like "What the here?" And the Detroiters are like "We're from Detroit, land of snow and ice, so when we get a nice day we have to enjoy it!"
So he turns the heat way up, gives them some time to burn, and checks in on them again. And this time the Detroiters have somehow managed to tie a bunch of boats together on top of the lava flows and are drinking Labatts and having a grand old time. Devil is all WTF and the Detroit guys are like "sure it's a little hot but we're from Detroit, land of snow and ice; we gotta enjoy the warmth while it lasts, you know?"
So the Devil gets an idea, and turns the temperature WAY down low. Like we have to be talking Kelvin here. And he lets them freeze for a good long while then goes to check on them and...and the Detroiters are throwing a HUGE party. THey're running around on the ice and slapping each other five and hootin' and hollerin' and the Devil is just fed up and he's like "What the hell guys?" and theyr'e like "Well Hell froze over! Obviously the Lions just won the Superbowl!"
I told this joke a lot in the summer of 2009:
So a man enters a bar with his dog, and the bartender is like "you can't bring your dog in here!"
But the man is like "Please? I mean it's just to watch the Lions game; he's a huge fan."
"The dog's a big Lions fan?"
"Huge. I swear."
So he lets him in and the game starts and a bit later the Lions score a field goal and the dog starts jumpin up and down and barking and is just really excited.
And a bit later the Lions score a touchdown. And the dog jumps around the bar, gives high-fives to all the patrons, watches the replay, then chases his tail in circles a bit and runs around yipping. And the bartender turns to the man and is like "Wow you weren't kidding; that dog is a HUGE Lions fan. What does he do when they win?"
"I dunno," the man says. "I've only had him a couple of a years."
This is actually my go-to joke:
Why did O.J. Simpson drive his White Bronco in the direction of East Lansing?
He knew it was the last place they'd look for a Heisman winner.
You Light a man a fire he is warm for a day. You light a man on fire he is warm for the rest of the night.
What is brown and sticky?
i think the second part is supposed to be for the rest of his life
Do you drink beer?
How many beers a day?
Usually about 3.
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
(This is where it gets scary!)
And how long have you been drinking?
About 20 years, I suppose.
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Do you drink beer?
Where is your Ferrari?
two muffins are inside an oven. The first muffin says to the other "is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?"
to which the other replies "OMG... A TALKING MUFFIN!"
this one is for when people object to me correcting their grammar...
'Grammar is important. It is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse and.....'
It's also the difference between, "Time to eat, Grandma!" and "Time to eat Grandma!"
Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here". Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fungi".
Sorry if this offends anyone, but here is a good prop humor gem if you can envision it. I'll try to create a 'PG-13' verson:
I found myself the other day on a train with a Frenchman and a Mexican.
The Frenchman had his thumb, index and middle fingers pressed together and was sniffing them, gently whispering "Fi-Fi ... Fi-Fi."
Eventually I got curious so I asked, "sir, what his Fi-Fi?"
He resonded, "Fi-Fi is my wife, I love that I can smell her on my fingers after I feel her up."
The Mexican must have overheard what he had said as he enthusiastically stood up and belted out "ME TOO!"
Then he sniffed from the tips of his fingers to his elbow as if he was snorting a giant rail of cocaine and yelled "CONSUELA!!"
A ham sandwich enters a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here."
A Man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for fifteen years. He breaks into a house occupied by a young couple lying in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife up on the bed he gets on top of her and begins kissing her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you!"
She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. "He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
My Uncle used to tell this joke to the Bucknut Tailgaters in Colombus in the late 1990's.
How do you stop John Cooper from masturbating?
Paint his dick Maize and Blue and he wont beat it for ten years!
Cornhusker, Buckeye, and Wolverine are walking down a beach one day when they find a magical lamp. When they rub it a genie comes out and says that he will grant them each one wish.
The cornhusker says that his family has been farming for generations and he wishes for fertile soil in Nebraska for ever. Poof! He goes off to Nebraska to farm the fertile soil.
The Buckeye says that he is so proud of Ohio and being a Buckeye that he doesn't want anyone or anything to get in and ruin it. So he wishes for a wall to be built around the entire state. Poof! A wall appears and he goes off to be in Ohio.
Finally, it's the Wolverine's turn. The genie asks the Wolverine what his wish will be. The Wolverine says he wants to know more about the wall. The genie says that it is 100 feet tall, 6 feet thick and NOTHING gets in or out. The Wolverine then says, "Fill it up with water"!
Q: How much does corn cost in Tampa Bay?
A: A buccaneer
A Buckeye, a Spartan, and a Wolverine are all standing at their respective urinals; the Buckeye finishes first and proudly states, "At Ohio State, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness," and makes a big show of thoroughly washing his hands.
The Spartan finishes next and says, "At Michigan State, they teach us the importance of conservation," using as little water as possible and only one paper towel to dry his hands.
The Wolverine flushes his urinal and breezes out the door, saying, "At Michigan, they taught us to not piss on our hands."
I've heard this one as a Marines joke (Army and Navy being the others).
One of the posts in the Requested Stories thread made me remember this joke. A TA is proctoring a final exam in a lecture hall and reminds the students that the professor has a hard and fast rule about all exams being finished on time; any exam not turned in by the end of the exam period would be given a grade of zero. As time is winding down, the TA reminds the students of this rule. The TA gives a two minute warning, and there are still a half dozen or so students, furiously trying to finish the exam. Finally, he announces "times up," and everyone except one kid turns in their exams. The TA gives a final warning, but the kid just keeps right on working. The TA says, "that's it. I'm sorry, but you have just earned a zero on the exam." The kid keeps working and a few seconds later, stands up, walks to the front of the room, exam in hand, looks at the stack of exams on the desk, and says to the TA: "Do you know who I am?!" The TA, with a look of disdain, says "No." The student says "good," shoves his exam in the middle of the stack, and walks out the door.
So three men are totally lost in a deep dark jungle. Suddenly they are set upon by a group of natives. They are taken captive, tied up, and brought to their village where the men kneel before the largest tent. The natives go silent and the chief emerges:
"We are the....UNGA BUNGA. You have trespassed on sacred lands and defiled them. Our gods demand PUNISHMENT. YOU must choose: either you shall receive death, or you shall receive...UNGA BUNGA!
[cheers from the other villagers: UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!]
The first man is like "well I don't want to die; I'll take Unga Bunga." The crowd cheers and they take him away and in a minute the other two men can hear screaming and wails from their compatriot. Finally the screaming stops, and they see their friend, looking like he's been through hell, limping away into the forest. The villagers and their chief return and they look at the remaining two men.
"Well," the second guy says, "I don't want to die either. I'll take the Unga Bunga."
Cheers! UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!!!
This time the screams are even worse, peals of horror shaking the forest. As the villagers watching him are distracted the third man shuffles over and peers around the tents to see what is happening, and there the second man is getting raped by the villagers in every orifice. Finally it ends and the second man is released and the chief returns to the third man.
And the third guy is like "There's no way I can live with myself after that. I choose death."
The chief and villagers are astonished. They look at each other perplexed, and then the chief waves his arms. "Death? Nobody choose death before. Are you sure?"
"Absolutely," the guy says, steeling himself.
"Fine: Death...by UNGA BUNGA!"