I am a fan of the rival sports team that your team will meet on the field/court/rink/etc. this weekend. People say I am analogous to a mythical creature that takes up residence beneath a bridge and who provides only illogical and flippant comments, but I counter that you are simply jealous of my team's success and are suffering from a sense of inferiority as compared to my team. I am here to point out your team's failings and provide evidence as to why my team is superior. I WILL OCCASIONALLY USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TO MAKE CERTAIN KEY POINTS MORE PROMINENT TO YOU. It is likely that due to your inferior education and intelligence, you will be unable to understand all of the words found in this posting (may I suggest you use a popular Internet-based information search service to compensate for their failings); that fact provides further credence to my argument that my team is superior.
While your team is comprised of players with limited talent, intellect, and passion for the game, my team features numerous players with great skill and determination to succeed who will utilize this potent combination to defeat your team this weekend. The star players on my team are future professionals, while your star players are overrated and will be fortunate to play professionally in a complementary and/or backup role. You will see this when one of my star players performs exceedingly well in his duties while your star player stumbles by comparison, whether that be in scoring valuable points for my team or making a defensive play that limits your team's ability to score. Expect to see the star players on my team celebrate on numerous occasions after positive plays and scores, with these celebrations including theatrics that will be both more creative and symbolically meaningful as compared to celebrations by players on other teams, including your own. And do not be surprised if those celebrations include the pinching and then pulling of the front of the player's jersey to highlight the name of my team. This is an action that will then be duplicated by various fans of my team in the stands as a sign of solidarity with the star players on the field, as well as a reminder to fans of the other team of my team's superiority. Expect to be asked the identity of your father by fans of my team, even though the presumption is that you are already are aware that members of my team occupy that role in a metaphorical sense.
Every player on my team is a leader both on and off the competitive surface, excelling in the classroom and also serving as a role model for the local and national communities, especially compared to the mentally-deficient and criminally-inclined players found on your team. There are several players on my team who have not received the proper level of respect from the local and/or national media, but I am aware of their abilities because I am a knowledgeable and thoughtful fan. I will explain to you why these players are deserving of additional accolades, and pledge that you will be unable to deny their excellence after your witness their performances this weekend. I also suspect that you provide unauthorized payments to your players, and that female members of your school have provided sexual favors to these players in the past during their recruitment by your school. These reasons, in addition to the fact that your players are not good enough to play at my school, show why I am very happy with the players on my team and why they will, in turn, defeat your team this weekend.
The coaches at my school are also far superior to those at your school because they are virtuous, hard-working people with vision and a firm grasp of the sport they are coaching, as compared to the dishonorable members of your coaching staff who lack knowledge of their sport's fundamentals. There will be numerous plays run by my team that will catch your team unprepared, and those advantageous situations will be due to the superiority of my team's coaches as well as the superior ability of the players. I suspect that you wish that my team's coaching staff also coached your team, but such an event will never occur because my coaches would view such a transition as a waste of their considerable skill and, furthermore, would be illogical because of their appreciation of, and loyalty to, my school.
The quality of my school is another reason why my team is superior to yours. My school is a beacon of academic integrity, with rigorous courses and cutting-edge research. A degree from my school is highly respected by companies and graduate schools, and provides opportunities for financial and intellectual growth not available to graduates from other schools, including your own. By comparison, your school lacks the respect nationally that my school enjoys, and your classes are similar to those found at poor-performing high schools and for-profit colleges advertised on television and on garish signs attached to buses and the backs of other mass-transit vehicles. The alumni from my school are future leaders in their respective fields, while graduates from your school will be fortunate to work for graduates of my school at a reduced salary. Far more likely, graduates from your school will perform menial labor and/or work in the service industry for little pay. I suggest your graduates practice requesting patrons whether he or she would like to include a starchy, tuberous crop vegetable with their food orders, as it will be a phrase they will often repeat in their future profession.
In the event that rankings from periodicals and other publications suggest that your school is academically superior to my own, I will seriously question the the rubric employed by those rankings and counter that data used in those rankings are either flawed or out-of-date. I will instead argue that various programs at my school are of a higher caliber than similar programs at your school, and will provide you with a non-exhaustive list of said programs. I will also point out that I either gained admittance to our school but decided not to attend, or suggest that I would have received admittance if I had applied to your institution, but chose not to because of the superiority of my current school. I will conclude that the celebrations at my school are superior to your own, and that despite the academic rigors at my school, members of the student body at my school are able to revel to a greater degree than members of your school.
The members of my school are all above-average in terms of intelligence, appearance, and general appointment, especially compared to members of your school. While members of my school were some of the most popular and sought-after members of their high school classes, members of your school were often viewed disdainfully by members of my school and shunned by their high school classmates.
The males at my school are all quite muscular and handsome, while males at your school are less physically imposing and less attractive to members of the opposite sex. Males at my school are far more successful in the pursuit and sexual conquest of females both at my school and beyond, while males at your school are far less successful and likely have yet to experience sexual intercourse with a female without the act being part of a pecuniary transaction with a woman of ill-repute. Personally, I have experienced numerous sexual conquests of females, including one instance with your mother and/or biological sister in which she performed various explicit sexual acts that raise serious questions about her presumed chastity. I question the sexual orientation of your male student body, and also suggest that they would experience more success wooing common farm and/or domesticated animals.
The females at my school are far more attractive than females at your school, and possess such objective beauty that male members of your school would be unable to communicate or make eye contact around them, and would likely be unable to satisfy them sexually in the unlikely event that congress were to occur between the two. By comparison, females from your school lack various traits commonly associated with attractiveness in humans, and I theorize that they would be unable to satisfy a male in the bedroom even with precise instructions. I conclude that even thinking of females from your school without clothing reduces the blood-flow to my sexual organs, which is otherwise engorged due to the aforementioned abundance of attractive females at my school and my impressive ability to convince them into having sexual intercourse with me.
In conclusion, my school will win this weekend because of our player's physical and intellectual superiority, the brilliance of our coaching staff, and the enumerated shortcomings of your team. I suspect that my team's performance will be so dominating that a significant number of fans for your team will adjourn from the contest prior to its completion, giving credence to the notion that fans of my team display more loyalty than yours and that a large contingency of your fan base is comprised of fairweather followers who did not even graduate from your institution. I again question your team's heart and also suggest where you can place your complaints about this post, and conclude with a phrase embodying the superiority of my team and my passion for them.