OT: How would Big 10 football coaches fare as "wingmen"?

Submitted by Ben from SF on

In an attempt to move the board away from bashing RR and angry Michigan DB hating god, here is my poor attempt in humor.

Imagine its Saturday night in various nightspot across the Midwest, you are a young, single, virile, heterosexual male looking for companionship.  You need a wingman, a sidekick, a friend who will bring out your personality and draw you and the special lady together. 

How would each Big 10 coach fare as that "friend"?

Ron Zook - The loud, funny, obnoxious frat boy friend with the ever-changing outfits.  He won't introduce you to the perfect 10s or other uberbeauties, but he is good for a homerun here or there.

Bill Lynch - The designated driver.  He is invisible until homecoming.

Kirk Ferentz - The guy with the girlfriend from the suburbs.  He attracts nerdy university administrators / librarians because he is safe, but you seem to do well with whomever he introduces to you.

Rich Rodriguez - The guy from Jersey Shore.  A huge reputation preceeds him, but hasn't done much since he moved to the Midwest.

Mark Dantonio - Angry, tense, bitter little brother always looking to start a fight.  The next time he introduces you to a girl will be the first.

Tim Brewster - Slick Ron Zook wannabe you stopped hanging out with last month.

Bo Pelini - Friend of friend who is visiting and preparing to move into town.  He came with a huge reputation, but you don't really know how he would do.

Pat Fitzgerald - Nerdy geek with the huge vocabulary and a few stupid card tricks.  He introduces you to more women than he should, and you secretly wonder how.

Jim Tressel - Despite his vests and an ensemble straight of "Leave it to Beaver", he introduces you to the most women.  You secretly despise him, but yet you can't seem to do better than him.  He is completely useless outside of the Midwest though.

Joe Paterno - The charming, smooth old guy who has dated more women than all your other friends combined; despite his constant complaints about the loud music and his inability to use a cell phone.

Danny Hope - Your constantly injured friend.  Crutches are not an aphrodisiac, and no one finds a finger without a tip attractive.

Bret Bielema - Rich son of an accomplished master who introduces you to plenty of fat and unattractive women, but is completely useless when a beauty approaches.

To the ladies of the board, please accept my apologies for the misogynistic tone of this post.  It is all done for humor.

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mgokev

November 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 PM ^

I would want JoePa as my wingman.  Every single girl I have talked to about him says "Awww, look how cute that old man is."  I respond, "That's Joe Paterno."  Their reply, "Who's that? He's so cute, he's like the grumpy old man from Up". 

Joe Pa might as well be a new puppy. 

EDIT: Plus, I would want to be out with JoePa just to have him say to the bartender "Bring me some Jagerbombs" in the same voice he says "Come to Penn State!"

Joined: 06/17/2009

MGoPoints: 18955

NateVolk

November 3rd, 2010 at 12:28 PM ^

Give me Zook and Rich and I'd clean house at the bars.  Zook recruits really well for a reason.  Believe it or not, Paterno would be fine to have a long in place of either of the first two guys. Younger women would eat his old guy stories up.

Steer clear of Dantonio. Catch a cold just standing next to him.

I am leaning towards Tressell being way smoother and less nerdy than he appears.  Like when Indiana Jones is teaching at the beginning of Last Crusade wearing the bow tie while the women swoon.

 

Your post is super funny and smart in my opinion. Couldn't have come at a better time. This board feels like being a night watchmen at a funeral parlor lately. No ones fault, just a bad week. Go Giants.

Joined: 07/19/2010

MGoPoints: 6863

NRK

November 3rd, 2010 at 9:16 PM ^

Actually, this is a bit out of place in this thread, but I have a great story from a recruit's parent (players who is currently on the team) about their meeting with Tressel. Basically they said he was really awkward during the meal and part way through asked them "if he was wasting time." When the recruit told Tressel he was going to Michigan, Tressel left mid-dinner. They said it was a really weird experience.

 

Then again, I've heard good things about him from others, but this was a particularly funny story. They said he showed up in his sweater vest by the way.

Joined: 02/20/2009

MGoPoints: 6411

WolvyNOOO

November 3rd, 2010 at 12:32 PM ^

Can we stop with the "little brother" meme until we start winning again? It looks really desperate.

 

That said, I'd go with FIGHT TRY WIN BREWSTER. Just because I look so much better in comparison.

Joined: 10/16/2010

MGoPoints: -1

WolvinLA2

November 3rd, 2010 at 12:35 PM ^

This would have been better had it just been about who would be the best wingman, instead of making it an analogy on their respective teams. 

For my pick, I'd take Fitzgerald, then Zooker. 

Joined: 11/13/2009

MGoPoints: 58191

Plegerize

November 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 PM ^

I love this!

Awesome work man, yes this definitely raises the spirits some. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse it does... But this definitely takes your mind off of it.

Joined: 03/26/2009

MGoPoints: 1807

GoBlueYork

November 3rd, 2010 at 1:12 PM ^

Ron Zook - Able to recruit hot, desireable chicks to come over and talk, but drops a drink or does something clumsy to screw everything up.

Bill Lynch - Voice doesn't match body. Scares girls away when he throws stuff...like his own gum.

Kirk Ferentz - Good 'ol country boy. Incredibly humble, almost to a fault. Can make a 5 look like a 7 or 8, but always missing that one key component that'd make him a perfect wingman.

Rich Rodriguez - An outsider that was a big shot in his hometown, but is considered an outcast in his new surroundings. Nice when you get to know him, but repeats himself too much.

Mark Dantonio - Would prefer to stare at countdown clocks and has an inferiority complex. Not a good conversationalist. Would probably be a major c-block.

Tim Brewster - Eternal optimist that talks a big game, but has never done anything. Ultimately, you find someone else cuz you realize he's just a loser.

Bo Pelini - Funny looking face, but quickly embraced by everyone despite his short fuse. Still needs to prove himself as a real wingman.

Pat Fitzgerald - Young, charismatic type. Need to be worried girls would go after him rather than you.

Jim Tressel - Bland personality, never says anything exciting. Would be a terrible wingman boring everyone to death. Also is too short.

Joe Paterno - Old, health failing, probably doesn't understand why you need a wingman when you should marry your high school sweetheart. Thinks the black athlete is the wave of the future. Probably not the best wingman as he's difficult to understand when he talks.

Danny Hope - Holds grudges. Mustache is hit or miss with the ladies. Probably smells.

Bret Bielema - Likes wearing windbreakers. Can be a bit of a weirdo cuz he likes to show off his tats. Probably a chubby chaser.

Joined: 06/30/2009

MGoPoints: 620

Still in AA

November 3rd, 2010 at 1:05 PM ^

I think a proper wingman's job is to occupy the annoying girl that came to the bar with the hot girl.  For that reason I would choose Bielema.  The ultimate meathead who would be more than willing to take one for the team.

Joined: 08/07/2009

MGoPoints: 895

blueheron

November 3rd, 2010 at 1:15 PM ^

* Dantonio, with his two-faced behavior and all that, seems like the kind of guy who'd use roofies occasionally.

* Zooker seems low-risk, high-reward as a wingman.  I view RichRod similarly, even though their personalities don't overlap.

- - -

OT: Why does Pelini (at least in most of his pictures) always look like he just saw the neighbor's dog take a huge dump in the front seat of his freshly washed & cleaned ride?  It's an odd mixture of anger, shock, and disgust.

Joined: 03/26/2009

MGoPoints: 30600

NOLA Wolverine

November 3rd, 2010 at 2:09 PM ^

Well I sure wouldn't want Rich Rod as my wingman, I wouldn't want him to keep trying to turn me into his old best friend the whole night. There you go, now this thread officially fits with everyting else posted in the post-PSU mgoboard era.

/poke

Joined: 09/01/2009

MGoPoints: 7308

Bob Tabachino jersey

November 3rd, 2010 at 3:00 PM ^

i can confidently tell the beta-males that ron zook would be my partner in crushing mad poon.

he strikes me as the most likely to drink 15 jagerbombs and pull down his pants, which is obviously a chick magnet.

Joined: 01/31/2010

MGoPoints: -980

jb5O4

November 3rd, 2010 at 5:07 PM ^

"Pat Fitzgerald - Nerdy geek with the huge vocabulary and a few stupid card tricks.  He introduces you to more women than he should, and you secretly wonder how."

 

Perhaps women like a nerdy guy (I'm a UM Engin Grad)

Joined: 08/14/2008

MGoPoints: 751