In an attempt to move the board away from bashing RR and angry Michigan DB hating god, here is my poor attempt in humor.
Imagine its Saturday night in various nightspot across the Midwest, you are a young, single, virile, heterosexual male looking for companionship. You need a wingman, a sidekick, a friend who will bring out your personality and draw you and the special lady together.
How would each Big 10 coach fare as that "friend"?
Ron Zook - The loud, funny, obnoxious frat boy friend with the ever-changing outfits. He won't introduce you to the perfect 10s or other uberbeauties, but he is good for a homerun here or there.
Bill Lynch - The designated driver. He is invisible until homecoming.
Kirk Ferentz - The guy with the girlfriend from the suburbs. He attracts nerdy university administrators / librarians because he is safe, but you seem to do well with whomever he introduces to you.
Rich Rodriguez - The guy from Jersey Shore. A huge reputation preceeds him, but hasn't done much since he moved to the Midwest.
Mark Dantonio - Angry, tense, bitter little brother always looking to start a fight. The next time he introduces you to a girl will be the first.
Tim Brewster - Slick Ron Zook wannabe you stopped hanging out with last month.
Bo Pelini - Friend of friend who is visiting and preparing to move into town. He came with a huge reputation, but you don't really know how he would do.
Pat Fitzgerald - Nerdy geek with the huge vocabulary and a few stupid card tricks. He introduces you to more women than he should, and you secretly wonder how.
Jim Tressel - Despite his vests and an ensemble straight of "Leave it to Beaver", he introduces you to the most women. You secretly despise him, but yet you can't seem to do better than him. He is completely useless outside of the Midwest though.
Joe Paterno - The charming, smooth old guy who has dated more women than all your other friends combined; despite his constant complaints about the loud music and his inability to use a cell phone.
Danny Hope - Your constantly injured friend. Crutches are not an aphrodisiac, and no one finds a finger without a tip attractive.
Bret Bielema - Rich son of an accomplished master who introduces you to plenty of fat and unattractive women, but is completely useless when a beauty approaches.
To the ladies of the board, please accept my apologies for the misogynistic tone of this post. It is all done for humor.