OT: Friday tell a funny story open thread

Submitted by Moleskyn on

We've had a jokes thread, we've had a funny gifs thread, now I want to hear your funny stories. They can be your own, jacked from the internet, whatever. 

For my participation, I'm just going to provide you a link to dontevenreply.com. If those don't make you laugh, there's something wrong with you.

Hail-Storm

July 12th, 2013 at 2:42 PM ^

Me and friends driving in downtown Miami on spring break. I am in drivers seat of friends parent's car with windows down when guy pulls up next to me.

Guy: How much you want?

Me: ....uh...no, I'm good

Guy: (perturbed) no man, how much for the van?

Me: (slowly realize for sale sign in van and not drug proposition) uh, ten thousa...

Guy: (angry) you don't even know (peels out)

Creedence Tapes

July 12th, 2013 at 2:49 PM ^

My own 20+ years, as a mostly full-time all the year, chick sexer were very satisfying; and in those times very profitable. I sexed chickens for one large hatchery all the year round, another large egg farm in the spring hatching season (in Australia June till mid-October), and seventeen smaller farms and hatcheries mainly in the 'Spring' hatching season, with some hatching smaller numbers all the year round. If I went for more than four days without chick sexing work I started to have 'withdrawal symptoms'. Several of my students have expressed the same feeling when they have not sexed chickens for a week or so. A couple of my more sophisticated acquaintances have asked: 'How can you spend all your time just sitting there looking up chickens bums?' Part of the answer is a chick sexer has to always be living in the present moment, I guess. With chick sexing you have to focus solely on what you are doing all the time if you want to be very accurate and fast, both essential if you want to keep your customers and get highly paid. Also there is the satisfaction of being well known for your accuracy in the industry: I think they call this ego. I am sure there are other occupations that also require this focusing skill. Learning to always live in the present moment has benefits far beyond chick sexing. Meeting and talking with the actual owners of the farms and hatcheries each week, was a pleasure and advantage, that today's chicken sexers would rarely have. It was like an industry exchange of information or gossip if you like. Another of the positive and lasting gains from my years as a chick sexer was the habit of self- discipline in every thing I do. You have to be fit and alert and have good eyesight and nibble fingers. Which for most chick sexers means no smoking, if you drink, it must be in moderation; also you tend to look after your health, even if only in a subconscious way. This can be said of all occupations, but for accurate chick sexers it is essential.

Richard

http://www.linkedin.com/profile/view?id=257602665&authType=NAME_SEARCH&authToken=adkQ&locale=en_US&srchid=2625952491373654950200&srchindex=1&srchtotal=586&trk=vsrp_people_res_name&trkInfo=VSRPsearchId%3A2625952491373654950200%2CVSRPtargetId%3A257602665%2CVSRPcmpt%3Aprimary

His Dudeness

July 12th, 2013 at 2:48 PM ^

Story Time with Uncle Dudeness:

In junior year of undergrad I lived in a house with 5 of my good buddies. We had a kegerator, a pretty large house, foose in the basement, etc. anyway we threw some pretty big parties. One of the guys who lived in the house was basically married to a girl who lived back home and he went there pretty much every weekend.

Well we threw our first party and his door got broken down and his room got messed up.

So he comes back on Monday after the weekend to find his room a disaster and no door in sight. He says nothing to anyone.

The next Friday he leaves agian to go home. We have another party. People are in and out of his room, etc. etc.

Monday comes along and he comes back from the weekend with his girlfriend and in he walks with his buddy carrying what appears to be a safe door. Turns out while he was home he fabricated a steel door and metal beam to attach the hinges to support the weight of the door without tearing down the wall. This thinks was about 2 inches thick and fit the frame perfect. The thing weighed at least 300 pounds. He puts it up, puts a pad lock on it and goes to class.

Nobody ever broke in his room again, although we did lean an aluminum bat next to it so "drunk break stuff" guy (there's one at every party) could  burn himself out whacking away at that door for a while.  

TwoFiveAD

July 12th, 2013 at 3:11 PM ^

Honest funny story though.

Happened this past weekend. 

I now reside in Dallas Texas with my brother and 8 or so guys I graduated high school with.  We are deff still living the college, bachelor, pass out under a park bench lifestyle. 

We head down to Austin for 4th of July weekend.  We are all at a bar ripping shots and doing lines of stacker 2 off hookers breasts when I noticed my brother talking with a female secluded from the rest of us.

How dare him leave stray from the group like that right?  Well I decide enough is enough.

I walk over to the both of them peak my head in the middle look at the girl and say (for all you entourage fans) "this pervert likes to jerk off with a belt around his neck"  The priceless blank look on this broads face was enough for me to end life now.  Everything went silent and the girl slowly walked away. 

True Story.

The end.

Crime Reporter

July 12th, 2013 at 3:19 PM ^

A rich man and a poor man, who share the same wedding anniversary, meet on the same street corner every year while shopping for their wives' anniversary gifts.



The poor man asks the rich man what he bought this year for his wife. The rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. The poor man asks the rich man why two gifts. The rich man responds that If she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back to the jewelry store in the car."



The rich man then asks the poor man what he bought for his wife this year. The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of fuzzy slippers and a dildo. This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

MikeCohodes

July 12th, 2013 at 3:20 PM ^

Second semester of freshman year my fraternity dragged the pledge class over to the strip club in Ypsi. One of the dancers came over to me and asked me what grade I had gotten in our history seminar first semester. I didn't even recognize her as my classmate since she'd come to class in loose clothing to hide her figure and no makeup. Had she not said anything I'd have never known it was her. Of course, I got a lap dance from her and it was good.

So moral of the story - when some girls say they are stripping to pay for college, it sometimes is actually true.

BILG

July 12th, 2013 at 4:08 PM ^

Meyer is a good and moral man who cares more about the development of his players than winning.  He left Florida because of health and family reasons, not because he was cheating on his wife with a graduate student nor because he saw the Nick Saban (dominating him) writing on the wall.  

All the player arrests and acquittals during his tenure at UF were coincidence and have nothing to do with his leadership or ability to mold and discipline young men.  He is not a sleazy used car salesman dressed up as a coach.

If you believe this, the joke's on you.

Frito Bandito

July 12th, 2013 at 4:18 PM ^

Chinaman walks into the eye doctor. The doctor says you've got a catarac. The chinaman says no, I drive a rincoln.

I missed the joke thread.

/funny story

uofmdds96

July 12th, 2013 at 4:44 PM ^

Spring break to the Bahamas. Booze cruise. Endless Bahama Mamas. Just finished a lifeguard cert course. Thought I was cool. It was way too hot. Asked the captain if there were any sharks in these waters. He looked puzzled, paused, and said, " Yes, yes, many sharks." I could tell he was full of shit. Went down told my buddy he said no. Handed our wallets to buddies, stood on the edge. There were two Bahamians in a small boat along side of us checking out the girls and they said they would pick us up. I grabbed his hand to make sure he would jump and the next thing you know, I am 10 feet under with no idea which way was up. I then remembered from class that if you exhale, you can follow the bubbles up to the surface. Upon reaching the surface, another guy had already jumped and both of them were in the boat.
They took us to shore and we ran soaking wet through the streets to the docks where the boat was coming in. Drunk and stoopid, we jumped off of the dock to get back to the boat, then realized we should just get out and wait for it. High fives and screaming from the entire boat.

LSAClassOf2000

July 12th, 2013 at 5:38 PM ^

This one may be amusing to the parents on the board anyway. I am the reason many of the events around my sisters' birth in late 1981 were a disaster. For some reason, despite being very young, I remember all this. 

For starters, when my mother went into labor, my father was at the hardware store. Why? I had flushed a banana down the downstairs toilet. It so happened that the birth of my sisters coincided with a period during which I would flush random objects down the toilet. Among the more exotic ones - as my parents still recall - were a shrimp fork, two D-cell batteries,one of our St. Bernard's rawhide bones and a lipstick dispenser.

So, thinking quickly, I ran up the street to a family friend's house and somehow managed to explain that my mother's water broke by mentioning that the family room carpet was "all wet". Fortunately, they got the message and drove me back to the house and loaded my mother in the car so we could get to the hospital. As we were backing out, my father pulled up and, armed with a plunger and a wrench, asked what the hell was going on. I don't know if my dad entirely understood, but we all managed to make it to the hospital. 

I was  just old enough to be aware on some level that I was the only child for a time. Indeed, my grandmother did not help matters by constant calling me "The Little Prince". Needless to say, the prospect of what it would be like to actually have siblings did not occur to me - I simply remember thinking that watching my mother get progressively larger with what would be twins was sort of novel. 

I have some memories of visiting them in the hospital (most notably of throwing up in the waiting room), but I have more memories of the many relatives who would fly in or drive in and visit for a time throughout the time my mother carried the twins. When my sisters came home, it was natural to my mind that they were yet another guest, so I asked my father as he helped carry them in the garage, "Would you put them in the guest room, please?". Obviously, they weren't staying, just like no one else who came to the house stayed forever....wait....

TheBlueBaller

July 12th, 2013 at 6:10 PM ^

Graduation party a couple years ago. We decided to sneak downstairs to the bar, which just so happened to be directly beneath his parents room. My friend sat there embarrassed while we laughed because his parents were having quite the after party of their own above us. The longer that went on and the drunker we got, it was only more and more funny.

bostonsix

July 12th, 2013 at 6:53 PM ^

down to Tampa three years ago. on the way through Tennessee, they had billboards advertising Greyhound races next exit. This caught my mother's attention to which she replied, "they actually race buses down here?"

GetSumBlue

July 12th, 2013 at 11:43 PM ^

A year after I graduated, we drove my buddy from AA to Chicago for his bachelor party. We stayed in some hotel where there happened to be some ladies in the room next door. As it turns out, there were two mothers and two daughters.

Obviously, before we hit the town, there were a few daddy pops consumed, as well as a log of chew. For whatever reason, Sharon (one of the mom's from the room next door) decided she was going out with us. We hit a few bars, got shot down by some chicks and headed home in the cab where one of my friends had Sharon on his lap. Come to find out when we got home, Sharon was getting "pleasured" in the cab by my friend. Pretty sure Sharon was married...

She ended up leaving us all a handwritten note when she left that thanked us all for a great time, which was nice, I suppose.

EDIT: The note said it was also her birthday weekend. Even better.

Prince Lover

July 13th, 2013 at 12:23 AM ^

I didn't see any bad words. Why would anyone ban you? Is it because the lines didn't always rhyme?

I kid. Nicely done! Wish I can say I inspired a chick like that....