The washing machine is outside...?
mesmerism! presidential assassinations! circuses on fire!
The washing machine is outside...?
There's an inside patio in the house, yeah, weird house....
still commonplace (and I was young), I used to Call Sam and Lee Free etc when on vacation. I'd tell long stories/leave messages of my horrific experiences with dog bites, careless doctors, uneven sidewalks etc. My physical and emotional injuries were devastaing and I couldn't wait to enlist their help in getting the compensation I deserved.
Totally not alone. I used to do it too all the time. Used to call so often we'd fill the tape. Yeah I'm that old that we used to use casette tapes for our answering machines. But yeah, I'm just happy I'm not the only idiot when I was younger. Not saying you're an idiot....
How many "sweet story, bro"s can we get in one thread?
Matt Vogrich slapped me across the face at Rick's one time.
I also puked while getting a hummer once.
These two events are not related...
Based merely upon these two stories, you sound like a rather vile human being.
That, or I was a college student once.
I just picture Matt Vogrich being difficult to anger to the point that he would slap someone.
Was the best. I snorted. Thanks.
If only we won the title that year, it would be funnier.
I was at a lake with my cousin and his young son a couple of years ago. The little man was playing with a Batman toy, and (I'm omitting some details here) my cousin warned him that the "lake monster" might get him. My cousin's son got a worried look on his face and began slowly backing away from the lake. I said to him, "Don't worry, buddy, Batman will protect you," to which he responded in a deadly serious voice, "No, Erik, Batman's not real."
Here's a gif:
At first that isn't funny, but I have watched it about thirty times and it's now funny.
Somebody went on reddit today.
Attended a certain private college in West Michigan. I was at an off-campus party that was a street over from campus. Anyways, I got so shit-faced that I walked through the backyard woods blacked out and I woke up in the very early morning right next to the parking lot of the campus. Thankfully campus security didn't spot someone passed out at the edge of the parking lot.
If we're talking about the same private college, I once woke up under the M-37 underpass
Yes, that's the college. The one named after a certain theologian. That is fucking hilarious. The party I was at was on Morningside.
Haha I can't imagine waking up under that underpass with cars going through their all the time.
...my friend was at Rick's...my friend was drunk...my friend doesn't like Pauly Shore...my friend told Pauly Shore he was not funny and threw a beer in Pauly Shore's face...when Pauly Shore and his bodyguard got in our face...our roommates who happened to be Rick's bouncers (and on the Michigan wrestling team) kindly escorted Pauly Shore and his party out of Rick's...I bought my friend a new beer.
My family and I were in a pizza restaurant one day.
I was playing with ice while at the table. My mom said that I shouldn't play with ice because I could drop it on the floor and cause someone to trip.
Shortly thereafter a man walks by our table trips on an ice cube or two and his wooden leg pops out.
Needless to say the look on my face was priceless.
I find it amusing that you censored "dick" but not "fuck".
Why censor anything? They are just words.
There once was a man named Cass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he clanged them together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
I was in a car when it crashed into a Subway restaurant. We destroyed the entire glass entrance, except for the part that holds the sign saying "Drive Thru Open." I've always found that part hilarious. No, I wasn't driving, and no, the driver wasn't drunk. The breaks actually went out. Good times.
My brother's friend was driving drunk and drove through the back of a Speedway. Yes, the brick wall.....
Well if you wanted a story about someone else, then I could make it more interesting. This accident was pretty odd though. We were going at around 5-10 mph. It was like a carwash...only with glass instead of water and soap.
My best friend drove into someone's HOUSE going 70 MPH. That was a weird day...
Hmm, let's see, a friend of my dad was a pilot, he used to fly small passenger planes. One day he got drunk with my uncles and left the place driving drunk, he was driving in a 2 lane, 2 way country road at night and there was a curve, for reasons only he understands he forgot that he was driving a car and kept stepping into the gas pedal as he was approaching a brick wall, just moments before he reached the wall he started pulling the steering wheel thinking he was on a plain and trying to make the car take flight... anyways, he crashed against the wall and broke his legs... they still laugh at that story though.
We had subs it was crazy.
I invited a client of mine to a regular saturday morning basketball game in which I participate. He hurt himself on the second play of the first game. He hasnt hired me for another job since that happened. Granted it was last weekend but still, that was the only way that I could finish the story. Go Blue!
Those look like a lot of fun.
Back in kindergarten, they convinced a girl that if they held her hand, she would get pregnant. She was homeschooled for a while after that and apparently ended up being kind of whorish.
early a.m., and he produced a bottle of whisky. At 5 am. I had a couple swigs, to prove manhood mostly, but he killed the entire bottle by 8 am.
We got in at 9am with a cooler full of salmon, and while I was cleaning fish, he passed out in the yard without his shorts on. He laid in the sun until noon, got a fair sunburn on his junk, and upon waking up insisted I call his wife to come pick him up. "And oh, by the way she's hot and ready for a threesome. Well you might have to handle it - I'm too drunk to fuck".
I politely took a pass on banging his wife, poured him into her car and his truck sat in my driveway until Tuesday.
blumpkinesque (oops, misplaced reply)
a friend from work asked me if I wanted to go see Chicago. With a furled brow, I just gave a "uh...no". He had a surprised/bewildered look on his face after my reponse, and it was a very strange moment.
Next day, first thing he says is "did you think I meant the band Chicago? I meant the White Sox." Who says "do you want to see [team city]?" when they're talking about going to a game? It was a great game; Granderson hit a grand slam and the Tigers won.
A week later, I was hanging out with my older cousins, and one of them started talking about the Chicago concert they went to. It turned out Chicago the band was in town at the same time. I keep telling the guy at work that he really did want to go to the Chicago concert and just backpedalled after my reponse.
I was doing some bikeriding with brothers and, just before breakfast, decided to race them back to the lot on a damp morning. Riding as fast as I could, I made it to the lot first and, like a dumb kid, threw my arms up in celebration. I proceeded to lose control of my bike, hit something, and fly over the handlebars and slide through the grass. Of course, in my shock of what had happened, I didn't close my mouth through it all, so my cries in the aftermath were inaudible due to the grass in my mouth.
To my family's dismay, Youtube and smart phones didn't exist back then.
is hilarious. Thank you for sharing!
I think this guy Trolled Craig James!
My old man is a tech guy and was one of the first to get the digital punch combination locks on our front door back when I was in high school. With a big family and four kids in sports it helped with everyone’s different schedules and forgetting keys… yadda.. yadda.. yaddaa…. Come back hammered one night trying to sneak in quietly but can’t remember the combo. Drunken Genius Plan B was strip down and put on just basketball shorts, my typical PJs, that where in my car and pretend to sleep walk (which I actually did on occasion) around the house setting off all the motion sensor lights till someone woke up to let me in. Dad wakes up and is so out of it that not only does buy it but tells the story to his friends thinking that he is making fun of me. Sucker.
Me and a couple of my friends used to play a game called "Ow". Each person built a small fort. We would then shut the lights off and proceed to chuck stuff across the room (including, but not limited to, bouncy balls, full size basketballs, mini plastic hockey sticks, markers, the can the markers were in, really anything you could find in the pitch black darkness). If you said "Ow" you lost...It was awesome!
Here's one that comes from a good friend of mine.
She's in a serious relationship with this guy, and as he goes out of town one weekend, he asks if she can watch after a pet. She gets to the apartment, feeds the dog, tidies up the place a bit, when all of a sudden she is overcome by the need to visit the bathroom for a quick shit. Unfortunately, after she finishes, the toilet isn't flushing -- it's broken and being a chick, she wouldn't even begin to know where to start. So, rather than leave a couple of floating turds in the toilet, she decides to scoop them out into a paper bag and dispose of it later. After scooping out her excrement, she places the bag on the kitchen counter and proceeds to exit the apartment, without the keys -- the door locks automatically. She does not realize this until she is walking out of the building. Needless to say, her "gift" was not well received and she did not hear back from the guy. Oops.
That was totally a comedian's joke somewhere at some time because I have heard of that story too. But the best part is it reminds me of a good story. I lived in a house with 4-5 guys in college and this one guy brought his new girlfriend out with us one night. She proceeded to tell us this story of a couple she knows. The guy responds to a singles add in the local paper even though he is seeing this other girl. When he gets to the meeting place he sees its his current girlfriend. Apparently she had some angst too. Well, after a long discussion, we finally proved it to her that her story was bull**** by going to a different bar that had a internet juke box and played her the pina colada song. It took many weeks, but our bud stopped hating us for making her feel so silly for her folly. Probably because she felt too silly to be around any of us.
I answered the door and held out the bowl of candy to this very cute little boy. He was probably 3 years old. As I bent over to lower the bowl to him, somehow, a big one slipped out my backside. It was pretty obvious what I had done. The little boy looked at me and said, "And what do you say?". I told him I'd do better next time and quickly closed the door hoping his mother was standing far enough down the front walk to not have caught that exchange.
After 20 shots, 15 beers and a 44.3 second 5-beer boot, I (blacked out) tried to find a shortcut home and ended up over a mile in the wrong direction. My friends called the cops (who had me) and my friend drove drunk to pick me up. With tears running down his face, the cop told my friend how they found me:
Asleep in the middle of the road (in February), the cops walked up to me, said they were going to search me, and asked if I had anything on me that could hurt them. To this I reached in my pockets and responded, "Well, I have a shot glass, a lighter and some condoms, so if you have some liquor, cigs and sluts we're ready to party!"
True story, and I didn't get arrested or even get a fine. God I love Dayton's campus police.
Me and friends driving in downtown Miami on spring break. I am in drivers seat of friends parent's car with windows down when guy pulls up next to me.
Guy: How much you want?
Me: ....uh...no, I'm good
Guy: (perturbed) no man, how much for the van?
Me: (slowly realize for sale sign in van and not drug proposition) uh, ten thousa...
Guy: (angry) you don't even know (peels out)
Too Small Didn't Read
Story Time with Uncle Dudeness:
In junior year of undergrad I lived in a house with 5 of my good buddies. We had a kegerator, a pretty large house, foose in the basement, etc. anyway we threw some pretty big parties. One of the guys who lived in the house was basically married to a girl who lived back home and he went there pretty much every weekend.
Well we threw our first party and his door got broken down and his room got messed up.
So he comes back on Monday after the weekend to find his room a disaster and no door in sight. He says nothing to anyone.
The next Friday he leaves agian to go home. We have another party. People are in and out of his room, etc. etc.
Monday comes along and he comes back from the weekend with his girlfriend and in he walks with his buddy carrying what appears to be a safe door. Turns out while he was home he fabricated a steel door and metal beam to attach the hinges to support the weight of the door without tearing down the wall. This thinks was about 2 inches thick and fit the frame perfect. The thing weighed at least 300 pounds. He puts it up, puts a pad lock on it and goes to class.
Nobody ever broke in his room again, although we did lean an aluminum bat next to it so "drunk break stuff" guy (there's one at every party) could burn himself out whacking away at that door for a while.
One time I beat Kevin down Cherry Hill