A Christmas Story
"Fragi`le, that must be Italian."
That is the best I could do to stress the gi.
--Answering Machine-- "You have no messages."
--Grinch-- "Odd. Better check the outgoing..."
--Answering Machine-- "If you so much as utter ONE SYLLABLE, I'll hunt you down and GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!... If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."
"This is going to be the Hap-Hap-Happiest Christmas since Dean Martin danced with Danny-Fu**ing-Kay!"
Clark- Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
"Mutual, I'm sure!"
And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down the chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.
Also the Christmas Story:
"The Pink Nightmare."
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d*ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?
Best Christams movie ever, and my favorite part is that rant. My favorite line goes something like "and when Santa slides his fat white ass down that chiminey, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of (if forget where..... does that ruin the qoute?).
I love the movie and there are many memorable quotes for sure.
Clark: Tis the season to be merry
Mary: That's my name
Clark: No shit
Haha. Love it.
Dammit you beat me to this one.
Clark's Father-In-Law: You're goofy
Clark: Don't piss me off Art
Only kinda-sorta loosely qualifies as a Christmas movie, but...
"Do you have Christmas in France? Christ-MAAAAAS. Christ-MAAAAS."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE, or at least that's what I wish I said.
"Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!"
Not one line but makes me laugh everytime.
Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive?
Airport Driver: Look, I told you before, kid. Don't bother me. Now beat it.
Christmas vacation: "You couldn't hear a dumptruck driving through I nitro-glycerine plant". Hilarious!
"FULLER! Easy on the Pepsi!"
is that Fuller looks at the camera, smiles, and raises his eyebrows as if to say, "I am going to wet the bed tonight, and it's gonna be awesome."
Bad Santa; "F---- me Santa!"
shitter was full!
IME, Cousin Eddie is the best part of that movie
checked our shitters, honey?
now I have a machine gun HO HO HO
"No man is a failure who has friends."
-It's a Wonderful Life
"hey griswold! where the hell do you think your going to put that chritmas tree?"
"why dont you bend over and ill show ya"
"you cant talk to me like that"
"i wasnt talking to you, i was talking to her"
"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"
"down here you big horse's ass."
"you guys give up or you thirsty for more?"
Jingle All the Way is my favorite Chritmas movie ever, since its a comedy, with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Best line- "dear santa can i get a bike and a slinky?, NO YOUR FATHERS BEEN LAID OFF!!"
I watched most of Jingle All The Way one time, but all I can think of when I hear about it is Conan's impression of Ahnuld screaming "YOU ZHOULD CHECK OUT MY HOLIDAY MASTERPIECE... JINGLE ALL ZE WAY!"
That was funny. But i just love that movie, it never gets old. Arnold makes the movie with all of his one-liners
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
"Tell you what. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your lying, yella', no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead."
"The $hitter was full!"
Margot: Then why is the carpet all wet Toooddd?
Todd: I don't knooow Margoooot
I tend to use Todd's line about 3 times a day around the holidays. Its fantastic.
with my GF a lot (and she is well aware of its origin.)
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Clark: "So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?"
Eddie: "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?"
Clark: "Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway."
Eddie: "Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month."
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
love this movie. required viewing every year.
Well, I have the entire original Grinch memorized, but I'd say my next favorite has to be The Ref (with Dennis Leary)
Lloyd: What's your name?
Gus: Fuck you, that's my name.
Connie Chasseur: The spirit of Christmas is either you're good or you're punished and you burn in hell.
Lloyd: So, do you think we should go untie everybody?
Caroline: No. I think we should unwrap them in the morning. It'll be more festive.
And then ...all the noise! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!
If there's one thing I hate...all the noise, noise, noise, noise!
And they'll shriek, squeak and Squeal racing round on their wheels.
They'll dance with jing-tinglers tied onto their heels!
They'll blow their flu-flubers, they'll bang their tar-tinkers.
They'll blow their hoo-hoovers, they'll bang their gar-dinkers!
They'll beat their trum-tookers, they'll slam their sloo-slunkers!
They'll beat their blum-blookers, they'll wham their hoo-whunkers!
And then they'll play noisy games, like Zoo-Zivver-Car-Zay, A rollerskate type of LaCrosse Croquet!
Then they'll make earsplitting noises deluxe on their great big Electro-Who-Cardio-Floox!
fran CIS co
fran cissss co
fran cis co
just after receiveing the gift that gives the whole year long:
"I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
"Dad, that tree wouldn't fit in our yard."
"It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room."
Clark: What do you think of the tree Audrey?
Helen: Her eyes are frozen, Clark.
Eat my road, red-liver lips!
It wouldn't be the Holiday Season if the stores were any hooter than they-hotter then they already are.
Motherf*&^er. (Caution, NSFW... obv.)