A Christmas Story
"Fragi`le, that must be Italian."
That is the best I could do to stress the gi.
--Answering Machine-- "You have no messages."
--Grinch-- "Odd. Better check the outgoing..."
--Answering Machine-- "If you so much as utter ONE SYLLABLE, I'll hunt you down and GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!... If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."
"This is going to be the Hap-Hap-Happiest Christmas since Dean Martin danced with Danny-Fu**ing-Kay!"
Clark- Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
"Mutual, I'm sure!"
And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down the chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.
Also the Christmas Story:
"The Pink Nightmare."
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d*ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?
Best Christams movie ever, and my favorite part is that rant. My favorite line goes something like "and when Santa slides his fat white ass down that chiminey, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of (if forget where..... does that ruin the qoute?).
I love the movie and there are many memorable quotes for sure.
Clark: Tis the season to be merry
Mary: That's my name
Clark: No shit
Haha. Love it.
Dammit you beat me to this one.
Clark's Father-In-Law: You're goofy
Clark: Don't piss me off Art
Only kinda-sorta loosely qualifies as a Christmas movie, but...
"Do you have Christmas in France? Christ-MAAAAAS. Christ-MAAAAS."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE, or at least that's what I wish I said.
"Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!"
Not one line but makes me laugh everytime.
Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive?
Airport Driver: Look, I told you before, kid. Don't bother me. Now beat it.
Christmas vacation: "You couldn't hear a dumptruck driving through I nitro-glycerine plant". Hilarious!
"FULLER! Easy on the Pepsi!"
is that Fuller looks at the camera, smiles, and raises his eyebrows as if to say, "I am going to wet the bed tonight, and it's gonna be awesome."
shitter was full!
IME, Cousin Eddie is the best part of that movie
checked our shitters, honey?
now I have a machine gun HO HO HO
"No man is a failure who has friends."
-It's a Wonderful Life
"hey griswold! where the hell do you think your going to put that chritmas tree?"
"why dont you bend over and ill show ya"
"you cant talk to me like that"
"i wasnt talking to you, i was talking to her"
"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"
"down here you big horse's ass."
"you guys give up or you thirsty for more?"
Jingle All the Way is my favorite Chritmas movie ever, since its a comedy, with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Best line- "dear santa can i get a bike and a slinky?, NO YOUR FATHERS BEEN LAID OFF!!"
I watched most of Jingle All The Way one time, but all I can think of when I hear about it is Conan's impression of Ahnuld screaming "YOU ZHOULD CHECK OUT MY HOLIDAY MASTERPIECE... JINGLE ALL ZE WAY!"
That was funny. But i just love that movie, it never gets old. Arnold makes the movie with all of his one-liners
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
"Tell you what. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your lying, yella', no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead."
"The $hitter was full!"
Margot: Then why is the carpet all wet Toooddd?
Todd: I don't knooow Margoooot
I tend to use Todd's line about 3 times a day around the holidays. Its fantastic.
with my GF a lot (and she is well aware of its origin.)
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Clark: "So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?"
Eddie: "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?"
Clark: "Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway."
Eddie: "Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month."
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
love this movie. required viewing every year.
Well, I have the entire original Grinch memorized, but I'd say my next favorite has to be The Ref (with Dennis Leary)
Lloyd: What's your name?
Gus: Fuck you, that's my name.
Connie Chasseur: The spirit of Christmas is either you're good or you're punished and you burn in hell.
Lloyd: So, do you think we should go untie everybody?
Caroline: No. I think we should unwrap them in the morning. It'll be more festive.
And then ...all the noise! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!
If there's one thing I hate...all the noise, noise, noise, noise!
And they'll shriek, squeak and Squeal racing round on their wheels.
They'll dance with jing-tinglers tied onto their heels!
They'll blow their flu-flubers, they'll bang their tar-tinkers.
They'll blow their hoo-hoovers, they'll bang their gar-dinkers!
They'll beat their trum-tookers, they'll slam their sloo-slunkers!
They'll beat their blum-blookers, they'll wham their hoo-whunkers!
And then they'll play noisy games, like Zoo-Zivver-Car-Zay, A rollerskate type of LaCrosse Croquet!
Then they'll make earsplitting noises deluxe on their great big Electro-Who-Cardio-Floox!
fran CIS co
fran cissss co
fran cis co
just after receiveing the gift that gives the whole year long:
"I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
"Dad, that tree wouldn't fit in our yard."
"It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room."
Clark: What do you think of the tree Audrey?
Helen: Her eyes are frozen, Clark.
Eat my road, red-liver lips!
It wouldn't be the Holiday Season if the stores were any hooter than they-hotter then they already are.
Motherf*&^er. (Caution, NSFW... obv.)
And that could qualify for another Christmas movie...Die Hard 2.
How about "I'm too old for this shit". Lethal Weapon another great Christmas movie...
Can't think of any classic lines from Gremlins... ;-)
Also, "They're watching Snow White. And they love it..."
Lloyd: "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."
Gus: "I thought Mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding."
Murray: When are we gonna open presents?
Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking canon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!
Murray: What's that smell?
Gus: Shut up.
"Can't see the lines can ya Russ?".....
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
"Kevin, you're what the French call 'les incompetant'
"I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ASS"
That's the version where Natalie Wood plays the little girl. Anyway, the line/situation I love is when the US mail delivers all the Santa Claus mail to the courthouse and the Judge says something like, "If the United States government deems this individual to be Santa Claus that's good enough for me. Case dismissed."
Great, underrated movie.
Eddie has some of the best lines in the movie.
A couple favorites:
"Remember that metal plate in my head? Well I had to get it replaced because every time Katherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour."
"Art, you want to load me up with more there, it is Goood!"
"You ready to do some kissing?"
"That there is an RV."
I've got about 45 "favorites" from Christmas Vacation, but one we repeat a lot (when discussing presents) is Eddie's intonation in Wal-Mart when he tells Clark to pick himself out something "real nice" with a wink.
Sometimes I'll add a finger gun and a mouth click, because hey.
"...my brother makes this killer eggnog with lighter fluid". Curtis Armstrong's character in "Better of Dead"
Another Griswold classic in the mall talking to Mary:
"Which is to say Christmas as in yule, yule log. Not a log. I don't have a log. Not in the sense that you thought I said.
"Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?"
Not a finger!!
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of
the holiday air... an bottomhole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical
toilet into my sewer...
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.
When Clark's boss asks about mentioning his crunch enhancer at a trade show:
"Don't forget that report, Bill."
Clark: Yes, sir. Merry Christmas. (then line of kiss asses follow boss, Clark addresses each as they pass).
Clark: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
"You serious Clark?"
"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
Ha ha I love this movie
One of my favorite scenes from "Christmas Vacation" is when Clark & Ellen are in bed and Clark still has sap all over his hands from the tree and he ends up with magazine pages, Ellen's hair and the lamp stuck to his fingers.
is required viewing around Christmas. It's still as funny today as it was 20 years ago. It's stood the test of time unlike many other movies.
Cousin Eddie is one of my favorite all time movie characters. Right up there with El Guapo and Rambo.
Uncle Lewis: This year, we came up with the perfect gift for you."
Clark: Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to get me anything."
Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it."
"Only I didn't say fudge.... I said THE word"
Just about every line of dialogue from Elf. This scene is a real gem:
"Do you want to eat some time?
You know...the code."
My girlfriend loves this one from Elf.
"Did you hear that?"
"What the fuck is with you and fixing fuckin' sandwiches!?"
"Buzz your girlfriend....WOOF!"
SONS OF B*TCHES!! BUMPUSSES!!!!
I also like this one from Christmas Vacation:
Clark W. Griswold: "It's a one year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club."
Cousin Eddie: "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."
"Yeah baby, put it inside me."
Oh whoops, wrong kind of Christmas movie.
seinfelds "festivas for the rest of us"
"Who is this Kris Kringle?" "A YoYo" -Burgermeister
That's Burgermeister Meisterburger to you, mister.
And if we're going there- "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow..."