OT-Cancun Mexico-Spring Break

Cancun Mexico!

WARNING: This is a long thread so please stop reading my drivel instead of posting your complaints. Might find entertaining but this is an exercise for my own therapy.

ABBREVEATIONS:
W= My wife
OD= My Daughter (15 years old)
DBF= Daughters Best Friend (15 years old)
P1= DBF’s Father
P2= DBF’s Mother
DBFS= Daughters Best Friends Sister (12)
DBFSF=Daughters Best Friends Sisters Friend (12)


I won this vacation club (something like a timeshare but based on points) from a sales contest 6 years ago. I have enough points for what is called a one bedroom plus which is a large one bedroom suite with a full kitchen, living room, 2 bathrooms and Jacuzzi…very nice and faces the ocean-prime view for one week a year and 34 years remain using 1 week a year. The resort has impeccable service and we have always had great experiences.

This club has resorts all over Mexico but we had never been to Playa Del Carmen. I am down there with my wife (W) and oldest daughter (OD-15 in June) along with my daughter’s best friend (DBF-15 in July) and her DBF’s parents (P1-man and P2-wife) who also brings her DBF’s younger sister (DBFS-12) and the DBFS best friend (DBFSF-12). This is our second consecutive trip to Mexico with this family (last year Cabo-San-Lucas) and although it is something of a sacrifice it is worth it to see our OD having so much fun with the DBF who we consider a member of our own family. So for a significant Birthday in my life we use all of our points from this year and pull half of our points from next year (leaving us with just enough for a studio next year unless we trade out to be in the US) in order to upgrade to a full 2 Bedroom and we invite there family as our guest. The 2 bedroom plus has 3 bathrooms, a master bedroom (Me and W) with its own Jacuzzi that is about 40% of the total living area. There is a full kitchen, dining room, living room and a second bedroom with 2 queen sized beds and its own full bathroom. Last bathroom is simply a toilet and mirror. The living room also has a sofa sleeper so the plan is: Me and my wife in the master. P1 and P2 in one bed in the 2nd bedroom and DBFS and DBFSF in the second bed and OD and DBF share the sofa sleeper. A little tight for them but it is our treat.

We had this vacation planned for some time and took advantage of some great air fare. They hopped aboard a little later and there airfare ran about $125.00 more per ticket. My W gets along well with P2. We are a younger couple then them as I am turning 40 on this trip and my wife is 39. He is 56 and she is 46. They are successful and bright but live a little different than we do. She is one of those that needs 2 double martinis to settle down and he almost always has a glass of merlot in his hand. Their daughter (DBF) is a wonderful child and we do everything we can to foster her and OD friendship so putting up with the drinkers whose company is fun anyway is a small sacrifice. So we have about 45 days before the trip begins and you start to learn some of their quirks. Seems that P1 had a bad experience eating lettuce in Mexico as it is irrigated with Mexican water of course. So they refuse to eat local veggies…ok. Being that there is a full kitchen they want to bring some food they could not get in Mexico…ok. As we get closer to the trip there list of things is getting crazy. My wife is not confrontational (Latin Culture issue) so she winds up agreeing to take 1 bag of luggage of food while they take another. I don’t have time to deal with this in KC as I am trying to train for a new job (new job understood the pre planned vacation and wanted me to start anyway allowing me the time without costing me any of my 2 weeks in year one-cool company) and I learn about this luggage bag of food the night before we leave…whatever as long as the wife is calm pick a different battle. So the morning of the trip my wife takes there bag, opens our fridge and sure enough she is slapping head after head of freaking lettuce into this luggage. We are smuggling freaking American lettuce into Mexico??? Will this even stay cold? Along with all kinds of crap that simply could have been bought in Mexico but whatever. So now I am a Veggie Mule!

Flight goes as expected and of course you have to declare and they ask specifically if you are carrying in food of any kind and I check no like a liar. My W tells me we should just declare it and not lie and I inform her that they will confiscate the bag. She goes along with the charade but is uncomfortable as any mule sneaking American lettuce across the border should be. We debark the plane, going through customs and both my W and OD look like criminals. Uneasy, not smiling and just acting guilty. So we are collecting our luggage and of course random check and the lettuce smugglers get pulled out of line…Oh crap. They open the bag and ask me, “Sir what is this?” My wife takes over in Spanish and sure enough this conversation lasts 20 minutes and they take out every head of lettuce, all the cereals, spices, and the entire freaking airport is looking at us. More Federales are being called over and the entire place is laughing at the stupid Americans smuggling food across the border. So my W tells them that I filled out the card and that I had no idea that she was carrying food in the bag (quick thinking) and fortunately they found it more humorous then dangerous. Some Mexicans ate cheerios and Raisin Bran with their tortillas for a week.

So we finally got into the resort later in the afternoon Friday and went up to our room. As usual this resort location like any we have been to is very nice. Check in is smooth as always and we are given the member treatment yadda yadda. We go up to our room and open the door and although nice something is not quite right. The master has just a regular full bathroom (no Jacuzzi) and there is no 3rd bathroom. The room also seems smaller. Open the drapes and our view is not toward the ocean. We call down to the front desk and they inform us our reservation is for a regular 2 bedroom not a two bedroom plus. And so begins the adventure. Although the front desk and concierge speak English this is where my wife speaking native Spanish comes into play. All I can do is stand idly by as they communicate. Although se habla boketo espano I understand enough to know this is not going well. The resort can’t communicate with the club reservation center and furthermore the resort is booked full as Mexicans are really into the Equinox and Easter holiday. After 30 minutes of Telemundo at the front desk we can’t do anything until tomorrow anyway. We go back to our rooms and can’t unpack as we anticipate moving to our plus room the next day and wait for the others to show for a late dinner. The other family shows up 90 minutes later and P2 tells my W that they had a huge fight before they left and are not speaking. Grrrrrreat we smuggle lettuce and they bring their domestic dispute across the border. They then take inventory of the room and it is not the size they planned for. P2 has not had her 2 double martinis that make her tolerable so she is just going off over how unacceptable this is and she wants to go Crazy American and bust heads at the front desk. My Latin W knows this is a major cultural faux-pa and that going off would only make matters worse. Meanwhile P1 is telling P2 to shut the hell up and have a drink. Now I am both inconvenienced, an embarrassed Lettuce smuggler and I am in the middle of a domestic quarrel. P2 asks where her food bag is and we tell her the Mexicans got it so know she wants some Mexican Ass in her hands and I wish I had smuggled Vodka into the country to shut this drunken bitch up. We explain the situation and how nothing can be done but P2 is telling us she refuses to sleep in the same room as P1…Are you Fucking kidding me!?! This now!?! So my W and P2 go down to the lobby and P2 insists that she get her own one bedroom…FINE. They get their own room and the new deal is P1 on the sofa in the 1 bedroom with P2 on the bed. OD and DBF share a bed in our 2 bedroom along with the other two girls in the other bed of the 2bedroom. Costs them about $1400.00 but that’s their problem. Finally we all go out to dinner and we get three doubles into P2 and she is good to go.

Go back to our room after that first day fiasco and settle into bed. After about ten minutes I ask my wife if she smells that? She asks if I farted…NO! For some reason our bedroom smells like ASS! Faint but ASS! WHAT THE F! Great! So now I have to try to fall asleep with the equivalent of my face buried in some Mexicans ASS! Freaking WONDERFUL. Wake up the next day and we go downstairs to straighten this nightmare. Front desk admits the error and apologizes. Unfortunately with the Mexican equinox there are no two or even three bedrooms available until the day after next! I explain that my face is buried in Mexican ass (don’t think the W translated it that way) and I need to get out of there. The trap in the sewer is having issues and they will send someone to fix it. So P1 and P2 are telling us to just go off…They want to go off for us and we ask them to please calm down. We all agree to get some sun and in the meanwhile the hotel is very apologetic and will comp all of our meals and drinks for the day. This of course is just a starting point for P2 but at least we can get her drunk enough to be placid. My OD and the DBF both have been going to the tanning booth to get there base tans. I am white like Casper the Friendly Gringo. P2 and my W both went to the tanning salon with the girls so they are passable. P1 is worse off than me and won’t go near the sun. I apply my SPF50 which is the equivalent of Zinc Plaster Aparis being careful not to expose myself anywhere. I lie out in the sun and enjoy a cool ocean breeze. Pina Coladas on the house and things are looking up. Lobster Nachos for lunch and I am careful to be in the shade in 90 minutes. I am lying in the beach chair and smelling the ocean, girls are smiling and everyone’s cool. I am so comfortable I fall asleep in the shade. I wake up 2 hours later and take account in that the sun had shifted and my ankles and feet had been exposed without a fresh application of Gringo-Block for at least an hour…I speculate I will be ok. We go out to dinner and my feet are cooking like marshmallows at Scout camp. Multiple applications of Aloe Vera are doing little. I am now coming home from dinner barefoot in the streets and burning alive. P2 tells me we need white vinegar. I get back to the room and pour white vinegar on the burn. Stings a little but actually helps. I take 3200 grams of Motrin to sleep that night along with Aloe and Vinegar. My room now smells like Mexican ass with a Vinegar enema.

Next day we decide we need a trip to Xcarte…Pretty much a zoo like Mexican resort. My OD wants to swim with the Dolphins. P1 and P2 get into a discussion regarding $ as they are already $1400.00 over on the room and $500.00 over on air fare. P2 insists and for what they charge to swim with Dolphins I should be allowed to dong punch flipper after I’m done and have him served up as Mahi-Mahi. 1 hour with 4 Dolphins is $115.00 per person if we can get a party of 6 or more. P1 decides to pass but the rest of us are in. So my ankles are killing me and pretty much 2nd degree burns. Hotel doctor gave me an ointment but the white vinegar really helped and the Aloe-Vera is keeping the skin from getting to tight. Since we are all going to the dolphins P1 is stuck with all of our bags and with 6 women this is no small task. He watches from the other side. So the scam begins with the picture package and the DVD which of course we must have. P1 and P2 don’t offer to split it but want to make a copy of our DVD (THANKS YOU CHEAP F!) and this runs another $60.00! We are our own group but the other group is with us to receive instructions in broken English and excellent Spanish. The other group has a family of three from France and a Family of three that are deaf and read lips. There is also a young Mexican couple in the other group. The instructors make it clear not to touch the dolphins face and to only rub their stomachs if they roll over on their backs. The Father of the deaf family reads lips and signs to his wife and daughter. He is having trouble reading Mexican lips in English and you just know this is going to be a fiasco. We get into the dolphin pool and they train the dolphins to go up alongside of you. As they do they are rewarded with a fish anytime they stay long enough for visitors to pet them. They feel like a wet suit kind of rubbery. The animal is all muscle and these are very docile. So now I learn the P2 is a regular save the whales PETA lover. I had learned this last year when she would wake up every morning at 4 A.M. to go whale watching in Cabo. So here is a sober and nasty P2 objecting to the capture of Dolphins from the wild for this purpose and yet she just dropped $575.00 to be in the tank. So P2 is pretty much bitching during the entire exercise that this is never how they would behave in the wild and that this is an infringement on the animal’s right to be free. So as the P2 is bitching the deaf family is carrying on like the retarded brother in Something About Mary. They have completely ignored the instructors warnings about not grabbing the dolphins fins, touching the face and their daughter is pretty much holding on like an amusement ride. The Mexican instructors are screaming at deaf people in Spanish none the less and of course getting more pissed that there being ignored. Finally an annoyed Dolphin smacks the Deaf mother upside the head with its tail and deaf girl starts freaking and this of course gets DBSF and DBSFS freaking and then my OD thinks it’s funny to yell out “Open Water” referencing the movie where the swimmers were eaten and this sets off DBF and we have a pool of screaming teenage girls, Deaf tards and pissed Mexicans.

Eventually everyone settles down and it is time for the Dolphins to push you across the pool. You are told to keep your arms stretched out and lock your legs. The Dolphins place their noses on the balls of your feet and they push you, with some velocity, across the pool. The smaller kids FLY across and the larger adults that don’t maintain locking their legs take facials. All in all this is very entertaining. So my W is waiting her turn and just as the instructor throws out the fish to reward the dolphins for going out to lock onto her feet some local bird swoops down in an attempt to take the fish. Although the bird misses the fish he does manage to take a huge bird dump on my W’s head. As my W is assessing the disgust of Bird Shit on her head (a bird that’s feces is composed of a fish diet none the less) the Dolphins lock in on her heels. She is completely unprepared for the exercise and raises half way out of the water just 1/3 of the way across the pool when she flips over onto her backside landing on top of the Dolphins themselves. Of course everything from the bird crapping on her head to her bathing suit almost coming off is caught on DVD. Of course Peta loving P2 does not pass on taking her ride so as she is waiting I tell her to remember that the next time she is lost at sea to remember to lock her legs because a Dolphin in its natural environment will push her by the balls of her feet all the way to land. P2 was less than happy with me.

The last thing they do is have your group stand in a line as the Dolphins jump over your head. Meanwhile a storm rolls in VERY very fast. Winds pick up and the locals are picking up the pace. Before they can get us rounded up for the picture lightning cracks and the rains pour. A complete down pour with lightning. Kids are crying like it’s the apocalypse even though there already in a pool of water. My W and the P2 want out because of the lightning but they insist we get in the line. Rain pouring down the Dolphins jump over our heads and we scramble for cover. Meanwhile P1 is caught in the middle of a down pouring rain with all of the bags. We are in a shelter but P1 has all our towels and we are freezing. We try to go back into the Dolphin entrance but it is air conditioned and feels arctic. After about 20 minutes the rain lets up and P1 finds us but everyone is pretty much cold and miserable.

For lunch we find a buffet. Kids 10 and under eat free. Kids 10-12 are half price. So now P1 is starting to feel pinched on the $$. There is nothing worse in my opinion then people trying to pass kids off that are obviously older then the discount at discount age. He wants his 12 year olds to pass for 10 and his 15 to pass for 12. So I don’t even try this with my kid. So the bill comes and only the two 12 year olds are half price. P1 asks for our waiter and of course being that my wife speaks Spanish she is imposed upon to better translate P1’s plea and lie. The Manager gets involved and asks if my OD is 12 and I tell the truth and say no. Being that OD and DBF look alike the waiter is not even close to buying that she will pass for 12. And even worse trying to get the 12 to pass for 10! So P1 pays what he rightfully should pay and as we are walking out says to me “If you would have gone along with it OD and DBF could have passed for 12 and then he would have bought off on the other two being 10” essentially telling me I cost him $50.00. I had to just let it go because I would have gone off on them and I still had 6 more days with these people and considered it a sacrifice for my kid.

Rest of the day the beautiful scenery of the park is marred by intermittent rain showers. In the evening there is a show as this place is Mayan. The show depicts Mayan and Mexican history and culture. 220 actors involved it is quite a production. Unfortunately this kind of show is not P1 and P2’s kind of bag. The show is included with your ticket but they are just being intolerant Americans at this point not allowing themselves to appreciate the culture. 2/3rds of the way through they want to leave but We and the kids are into the show and refuse to. They excuse themselves to wait by the cars and we finish the last half hour with the kids. 90 minute drive back and everyone is tired. Unfortunately I have to endure another night of sleep with my face in Mexican ass.

Next morning with the apologies of the resort we are moved to our two bedroom plus and happy that we will no longer be sucking down sewer gas. They also will refund our lost two days with points toward next year. Meanwhile P1 and P2 are barely tolerating each other and tensions are high. Today we want to go on something called the Jungle Tour. The Jungle Tour is Speed boats through the Mangrove trees in the ocean. Although the boats are small the time spent is still exhilarating. This is a 3-1/2 hour event for just $40.00 per person. P1 and DBFS take a boat, me and W take one, P2 and DBFSF are together and finally against my better judgment we place OD and DBF in the same boat. DBF has taken some auto driving with her dad while OD did very well the year before on ATV’s in Cabo. Although I am keeping an eye on them I let them ride off. The water was choppy and the wind gusty. I knew after my boat was pushed a good 10 feet on the first turn from a wind gust that OD and DBF would have trouble. Although not very smooth they were staying on track while we opened it up. The boats are tiny and the choppy water meant we were hitting the sea hard. I am too tall for these boats and crammed in good. My legs were smacking the dash with every crash into the choppy sea. After the first 45 minutes my feet, tender from the burns that I had under control, were flaring up. We would slow down to go through the Mangroves and I would apply Aloe. Meanwhile OD and DBF are acting like 15 year old girls and sure enough, screwing around, are suppose to slow down. Not paying proper attention they work the throttle wrong and speed up instead of braking and crash into some poor strangers in front of us. Rather than apologize properly they further embarrass us by laughing. No harm but I give them a mouthful and my OD gives me that look only your daughter can of “Gees Dad you over react.” So now I am pretty much riding her ass as we go through the Mangrove trees. The trees leave little room for error. The girls did well through here much to my surprise. They clipped some branches rather rough but no major screw ups. Paying more attention to OD and DBF then I was myself I notice that I am drifting a little too close to a large branch. No problem as the Branch passes over my head and I turn. Suddenly a large WHAP! And we are jerked backward followed by the sound of splitting wood. OD and DBF turn around to hear what happened. Seems that Dad had gotten around the branch alright but did not take into account the Spoiler on the back of the boat that the branch had found. Although the branch did snap it had removed a strut from one side of the spoiler. My OD screams “Way to go Dad!” Even the W had a look of disgust. I tell OD to worry about herself and that there was no major damage…(NOT). So we go back on the open water and we open the engines up. With the Spoiler half off I have to use all of my strength to fight the pulling right. My sunburn is flaring, my ass hurts from the boat pounding the water and my knees are taking a beating. Finally this event ends and in spite of the discomfort and me doing my version of Titanic it was awesome. As I pull up my boat the owner of the tour looks at the ripped spoiler and says..”Senior’ what did you do to my boat?” I explain that it was an accident and I was not being careless just did not account for a low branch. As I am in a delicate conversation explaining that this is simply the cost of doing business in this manner and not neglectful abuse as my OD pulls in. OD sees the strut and screams out, “DAD YOU TOTALLY RIPPED UP THE BOAT!” I turn around and tell OD “SHUT UP NOW!” Again the look of Dad you are such an abusive prick. I turn to the guy and tell him my resort has insurance for its guest and he could take it up with them. He let it go as many of his customers come from the resort and it was a minor repair. My OD received a lecture the entire ride home of what is and is not appropriate respect for her parents.

That night we go out for a nice dinner and P1 and P2 tell me they want to take me out for dinner (We have been running separate checks the whole night) and ask where would I like to go? The actual night of my birthday my wife had plans but they wanted the next night. I said anywhere with shell fish. We have a great meal where P2 had the appropriate amount of double martinis and P1 his bottle of wine (there still barely on speaking terms and its pretty much War Of The Roses between them) so they were fine. Everything is cool until the bill gets to us. Our service was outstanding. The waiter even did magic tricks for the kids. The food was great. The restaurant was on the ocean and everything is stupendous. So P1’s bill is a very reasonable $95.00 U.S. with drinks and mine for three is just $55.00. I leave a $20.00 tip and P1 says gees that seems a bit much. He has just a ten dollar tip on his. I tell him the guy entertained our kids, gave our kids gelato that he did not bill them for and was extremely attentive. P1 says that $10.00 is like a week’s wages to “these” people. This gets the attention of W whose Mother is Columbian and came to the US and worked her ass off and is very wealthy today because of good investments and work ethic. Besides my W happens to specialize in marriage and family counseling for this community in KC. My W does not get worked up over much and hates conflict but this got her going. As we walked out I threw another ten on his bill for the waiter. P1 makes about twice as much $ as I do…I hate bad tippers. The sacrifices we make for our kids.

On one day me and the W wanted to see the Mayan pyramids (Tulume and Xchencha) about 90 minutes away. Kids not into it and P1 and P2 not interested so we take off and leave them for the day. This is my B-Day so we will also be apart in the evening as my W has made special plans for us in celebration. The 2nd degree burns are doing well even after the cramped speed boat (white vinegar is an awesome home remedy) and I am excited to check out the culture and ruins. We get out some on the highway and although not as spacious as American highways the signs are well marked and it seems safe. This feeling lasted until the four lane highway blended into a two lane highway with no divider…kind of like the US was in the 60’s. The thought of driving this back at night was really freaky as my senses were heightened just in the day. Mexicans frequently pass and cut you off and are fearless as oncoming traffic bears down. The cars are underpowered 4 cylinders and the driving is insane. They will also pass you on the shoulder if they choose. Freak scene. Tulume is cool and the ruins are interesting. Coming home my nerves are a wreck and we need gas. Every Mexican gas station is full serve. Dude sees rental car and the trouble begins. He fills the tank and tells me $32.00 U.S. I as for the receipt to pay and my W translates the request. The receipt is only $226.00 Pesos or roughly $25.00 U.S. I give the guy $27.00 U.S as a tip he did not deserve. He tells my W in Spanish that I handed him a ten and not a twenty. I object in English and the poor W is caught in the middle. I finally have had enough and I check the mirror to see the gas cap is attached and pump back in its cradle. I start the car and he is screaming in Mexican and my wife is asking what the hell am I doing. I speed up as fast as a 4 cylinder Nissan Placena can go and Gas man is kicking my car and cussing in Mexican at me. We make it back to the resort.

That evening my W made arrangements to have the resort restaurant move a table out onto the pier. Tiki torches were lit and we had a private lobster dinner on the ocean. My W had saved her $ so that this came out of her own pocket (and not starving the babies) and made the arrangements weeks in advance. Pretty cool way to celebrate a birthday.

So next night P1 and P2 want to take me out for my B-Day. Great meal, great time…bill comes and he does not pick up the tab on my dinner. What the? Not a problem just that he said he was taking me out for my B-day…oh whatever. Next night we went to a less expensive restaurant of their choosing and he announces that my dinner was on him for my B-Day. Cheap, cheap mother F-

Rest of the trip was uneventful. As challenging as this other couple was I figure I have about 3 years left of my OD wanting to be with me at Spring Break. Will resort to tears and prayer after that. To see my OD have that much fun with her best friend who is a great kid and someone you want her to be around is a small sacrifice….or perhaps a large sacrifice. P1 and P2 spent 3K over budget and hated the vacation. Some people just can’t be helped.