Eat a few bags of sugar free chocolate or gummy bears.
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Take some fiber supplements and drink about 2 litres of water. In a few, your poop will slide out so easily you'll think your rectum was coated with Teflon.
Purge.
You can not beat prune juice.
Constipation: prune juice
Upset Stomach due to acid: room temperature milk with an antacid tablet.
Upset Stomach due to you eating like a sabertooth in a convenience store: prune juice and 5000 gallons of water
Upset stomach due to stress: take a long, brisk walk followed by lots of water and meditation.
Upset stomach because there is a spear through it: try removing the spear by pushing it all the way through your back to avoid doing additional damage from the spearhead on removal. Then wrap the cleanest cloth you can around the wound and tighten your belt over that to the point of significant discomfort. When this is finished, stuff as much strawberry jam into your ass as possible while singing "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" exactly like Carol Channing..
This started as a well-intentioned post and got away from me completely.
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