Jon Falk signing at Moe tonight 6PM. kdhoffma-is the winner, [email protected]

"I Immediately regret this decision"

"You woke the Bears! Why would you do that?!?!"

Your mom goes to college

I know I feel this way about my boss

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
 

I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!

You've got bad breath caused by gingivitis!!

'Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.'

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? ~Happy Gilmore

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop-heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow.

"Hey bro, do you mind puttin' on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice."

SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!

"If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions." -Pulp Fiction.

"Rommel, you magnificent bastard. I read your book!"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Videos might be NSFW.

The schnozberries taste like schnozberries

Who want's a mustache ride?

I do, I do!!

I would like to proudly say that I was Ramathorn for Halloween.  It got me free scotch at the bar - cuz the female bartender actually thought I was a policeman for a minute.

Greatest costume ever.  

"There's that word again; "heavy". Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?" -Doc. E. Brown, BTTF

The best line from Mr. Mom is "220, 221, whatever it takes" but it needs to be in context to be funny.  This one, however, doesn't:

Jack:  You wanna beer?

Jack's Wife's boss:  It's 7 o'clock in the morning.

Jack:  Scotch?

in his office...

or about the time he sucker punched Gavin (a student manager, for no reason)

He probably won't remember the second one.

Total goof. But a part of the Michigan lore, nontheless.

"which brings me to my next point kids.... don't do crack"

"paging dr. faggot"

Why does it say paper jam when there IS no paper jam?

I'm Spartacus!

you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!" (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)

Lloyd Christmas: You mean not good like one out of a hundred?  

Mary Swanson:  I'd say more like out of a million.

Lloyd Christmas: ...So you're tellin' me there's a chance.. Yeah!

along with countless others from Dumb and Dumber.   

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps!

Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you." then shoots up the kid.

Or

Brett: No, no, I just want you to know... I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up with us and Mr. Wallace. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never...
Jules: [Jules shoots the man on the couch] I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
Brett: What?
Jules: What country are you from?
Brett: What? What? Wh - ?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
Brett: Yes! Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm sayin'!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What?
Jules: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

That whole scene is my favorite.
 

You killed the car