THIS ONE TIME MY BROSEPH FUCKED A PLASTER CAST OF NEWT GINGRICH'S FEET
THEN THE TECHNOVIKING ATE HIM
THIS ONE TIME MY BROSEPH FUCKED A PLASTER CAST OF NEWT GINGRICH'S FEET
THEN THE TECHNOVIKING ATE HIM
first weekend of move in week, my roommate goes out and gets plastered. my other roommate woke up and found him standing on his chair and just didnt think much about it and rolled back on over and went back to bed. the next morning my roommate sits at his desk and sees water all over his chair, desk, and floor. Turns out he pissed all over the guys stuff. it was a great first impression
One of my buddies was visiting and he came in to get us at 3 in the morning to look outside. He stole one of those bobcat's at a construction site, drove it to our house, and parked in the front yard. AWESOME.
We had a multi-keg party back in my Ann Arbor days where someone stole a full-size bulldozer, drove it to our party, and was parking it on the street in front of our house.. except that we lived on E. Ann about block away from the police station and they were immediately arrested.
My sophomore year at U of M, my roommate was walking home from a party during the winter when it was cold as hell late at night. He was hammered. Very much so. At the corner of Hill and Church, he sees a Pizza House delivery guy in his Pizza House car go into one of the sororities there. My roommate proceeds to jump in the car and take off, driving it to Vaughn and Greenwood (like 5 blocks or so). Parks the car on the street, leaves the keys in it, gets out, goes to bed, wakes up the next day and it's gone. He was terrified for a week that he was going to get caught because he's a pretty straight-laced kid and was just REALLY hammered. Let's see...DUI, Grand Theft Auto (or maybe just a joyriding charge), Reckless Driving? Probably could've been charged with a lot of things. . . good thing he didn't get caught. THAT would've been a tough conversation to have with Mom and Dad.
Freshman year my friend, who lived in Bursley, woke up after a night of partying to find himself lying naked in his bed...curious to figure out why he lost his clothes, he looked around the room, finding a pile of clothes lying soaked in the corner...his underwear was on the back of his roommate's computer, also soaking wet...
Yes, he had removed all of his clothes, peed on them, and apparently thrown his pee-soaked boxers across the room and onto his roommate's laptop...
My roomate and his buddy brought a dead, 15 foot tree into the living room for Christmas. Wasn't even a pine tree. Plus it was early November.
After that he watched a boat video.
are you my roommate and i dont know it?
in '99 in South Padre Island, TX, this guy got so drunk that he would run over to the foot rinse station for people coming from the beach and offer to rinse the sand off the feet of any girls unfortunate enough to be there at the time. If they refused, he would promptly moon them.
Wait, that was me.
+1 for lol last line
At my orientation, some guy walked into my room (I was waiting a friend to come downstairs, so the door was open) and tried to do the "Michigan Hand Map" for the state of Maryland.
He is currently on his knees hunched over the arm of his recliner (the one he wanted to fight several times) with his head buried in the seat of the chair.
He hasn't moved for at least 5 minutes.
for the forthcoming make-up sex.
baby... baby... baby i'm sorry, i didn't mean it. sometimes you just make me so angry and i lose my temper. baby i'm sorry, it will never happen again... baby you know nobody reclines like you do. baby! baby, let me finish! stop yelling!
One of my college housemates was drunk about 75% of the time, but a particular football Saturday lived in our memory as "the night of the Mike Show." He had:
- observed, following a fumble and recovery by the other team, that it had been set up beforehand because "those black people, they're all friends with each other."
- spent fifteen minutes talking about nothing but how hot one of our other housemate's sister was and how he really, really wanted to have rough sex with her. With said housemate in the room on the same couch. And the sister. And about ten other family members (parents, mostly) in for the weekend.
- tried to make up for it (our other housemate was REALLY pissed) by saying his own sister was really hot too (she was) and he kinda wished she wasn't his sister.
- went around the room (porch, actually) asking everyone what they thought of the amateur porno he'd made of himself and some random chick and left playing on a continuous loop in an empty room at his frat's party the week prior.
- offered to fight various parents "just for fun."
...was clearly awesome. I wish I had been his friend. That is some damn good entertainment.
Lock the thread.
This entire thread is awesome but this story put me in tears. You had me at, "those black people are all friends with each other." It is almost too insane a statement to even be mildly offensive. I just picture a secret handshake or gesture that lets the other team know it is time to share the ball, followed by a prompt fumble and lots of fake gestures of disappointment to psyche out all the clueless white people in the game and in the stands. Very crafty.
I've found it's actually funnier in the retelling, because when he said it we were all like, "wait, what?" (And kind of pissed off cause we'd just lost a fumble.) And it took us a few seconds to wrap our heads around it. Not the sort of thing you hear every day. That guy used to bust out some weirdly offensive shit sometimes when he was drunk. We never could figure out if he was joking or not.
For some reason after hearing this insane theory, I couldn't stop imagining Charles Woodson and David Boston coordinating the entire 1997 game against OSU in an elaborate plot to steal super-whitey Peyton Manning's Heisman Trophy. The potential negotiations are hilarious.
Woodson gets to pick-off Jackson, but he has to let Boston score once. Woodson gets one big catch to show he can play offense, but he can't score or make too many plays or that will make all the black guys on the OSU defense look bad (though he can return a punt for a TD, since nobody knows the guys on special teams and the punter is a white guy). Then they could cover up the vast conspiracy by staging a slap-fight where they both throw their heads back so it looks like they are really socking each other in the face. Freaking genius!
The best part is that if I posted this on a Tennessee message board roughly 92% of the readers would probably take it as fact.
your roommate doesn't have alcohol toxicity. A dead nurse to be is of no use to no one.
My buddy and I are at a bonfire. The hosts cousin is there and is plastered. The host has a truck parked about 30 ft. away from said bonfire. My friend and I are talking to this kid just fucking around with him and all the sudden he goes. "Shut the fuck up."and is looking at my buddy. So my friend says "Are you talking to me?" He says "No, that truck." and proceeds to get into the 3 point stance" mumbles something to the extent of "keep talking shit, I used to play football." Takes off like a bat out of hell runs the 10 yards straight at the truck, lowers his shoulder and leaves an enormous dent in the side of the truck right next to the back wheel well. Ive never seen the kid again but he was a living legend for 1 night.
Ah, forget it.
back in college ran into a bachellorette party at the bars. Brought all of them back to our house, and stripped down to speedo's for them before they proceeded to bang the bride to be. If that doesn't spell class I don't know what does.
That bride to be probably had more infections and bruises than you'd like to count.
You mean, like, not negbanging?
you went to WVU...right?
Is he this drunk?
There is no way in Gods green earth that guy is just drunk. There has to be some shrooms,coke, weed and probably more mixed in WITH the booze. Nevertheless that is FUNNY SHIT!
Great stuff! Too many drunkin’stories to tell but here are a few;
1. Friend gets kicked out of a bar (for throwing firecrackers in Derek Jeters VIP room) only to come back 10 minutes later with a sharpie mustache drawn on his face. (He did not get back in)
2. Walking to the dorms one night, my friend (not the same friend) sees the hall directors car outside (who a week earlier took his fake ID) and starts to jump up and down on the hood/roof/trunk of his car yelling racial slurs (HD is African American, friend is white) and his car happened to be about 15 feet away from the HD room.
3. Another friend was walking around a neighborhood at 4 a.m with pots and pans clanking yelling “Chicken or the Egg……Chicken or the Egg” repeatedly. Cops came within 20 minutes and took him to the drunk tank for the night.
4. At a chicks house one night my friend could barely walk. Sees a satellite dish in the yard about 20 yards away(her parents house). Straight bee-line for the dish and takes it out true football stylem all TV’s in the house go out. The girl runs out (5 seconds later) to jump on my friend and jack him in the face about 20 times. Next day I get a call asking me how he got a black-eye!
5. Construction was going on right next to a buddy’s house. Thought he needed to sleep in for once so he decided to put toothpicks and super glue in the ignition of all their bobcats, fork-lifts, etc. (He slept in until 10:30 the next day)
These are all different individuals and one of myself. If you want more I will need money and release forms from my friends.
I am guessing you were #5. Just a guess, though. It seems like knowing the 10:30 wakeup time is a detail someone who wasn't there wouldn't readily remember. And it isn't as egregious/absurd as the others in terms of drunkennes, just clever and funny. . .
Am I the only one feeling slightly relieved that I was able to read all the way to the bottom and not see something that I did while drunk?
Thank God no one had digital cameras back then.
I would definitely not be where I am today if I grew up now. All the camera phones and facebook and whatnot. Things would not have ended well.
My Sophomore year I go down to Columbus to watch The Game in the Horseshoe with my buddies! We got tix and stayed at a friends house who went to tOSU. Friday nite we all go out and get polluted. We stumble back to the house and pass out upstairs. In the middle of the night, I need to take a piss but don't know where the bathroom is. So I go downstairs and take care of nature outside. The next morning is Game Day and I'm awakened by all the housemates yelling at my buddies about something. I'm able to hear them say that there's puke up and down the stairs and on the wall in the staircase. So I go downstairs to find out who the culprit is. When I reach the kitchen everyone just stops and stares at me. On my face and around the collar of my Michigan sweatshirt is puke-of-the-same--variety that was on their stairs (damn Kamikaze shots). Fortunately, I got out of the house without being beaten senseless. Needless to say, I was not invited back my Senior year! (True Story)
Not only did you get out alive, but you got out of there without even cleaning up your own puke? You may not have represented the study body very well but I still gave you plus one for puking all over a Buckeye house.
These guys were so pissed that they just kicked me out of the house. My buddies told me to meet them at a Pub down the street. The guy who had us over was the one forced to clean up all the puke. I felt like sh*t because of the hangover and a little guilty.
this one time at band camp.........
I moved him into his room and onto his bed, at which point he proceeded to yell at me (complete jibberish) and then crawled off the bed onto the ground. He is currently hunched over again, this time with his head on the ground, resting in his arms.
I verified he's still breathing.
Me and my bud went to his sisters new housewarming party and got wasted so we stayed. We both slept in the living room. In the middle of the night I heard a girl scream and she was pissed. Evidently my bud opened the door to what he thought was his sisters new bathroom which was actually a spare bedroom and pissed all over the floor right next to where a girl was sleeping. What was funny was it was one of those pisses where he couldn't stop so she was bitchin and he just kept pissing saying he couldn't pinch it off. His sisters boyfriend and me just laughed our asses off!
Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"
EDIT-Meant as a response to MWW6T7.
Stu: "You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year."
Spicoli: "Those guys are fags!"
I rode a horse after the game. And it didn't kick me off. And my friend/customer vomited outside a Denny's.
The rest is lost in a sea of Jim Beam.
Alice Lloyd 1978. Dorm kegger (legal then). Tried to take hinges off my roomates closet so I could put on his band uniform and return to the party. He got a single (room) shortly thereafter. Ah the pure innocence of the act though... and I ended up chasing off both my roomates and making a triple a single...
I play lacrosse at BGSU and we always have a "rookie night". My freshman year we had to do a bunch of drinking stuff (won't get into detail, mostly cuz i don't remember). Anyways, i had to walk back to my girlfriend's dorm at two in the morning almost passed out drunk. Well when i got there i decided to strip all my clothes off and pass out on her roommates bed. Well this part i have no memory of but, i woke up in the early morning, naked still, and only put my shoes on. I claim, "I have to pee." My GF tells me i am naked and to put on my clothes which i respond that i can not find them(they were at my feet). She then tells me again that i have to put my clothes on to go to the bathroom, it was an all girls dorm. I proceed to say, "I know i am naked, it doesn't matter." Needless to so i woke up the next morning feeling like total shit.
My friend woke up in an I-94 ditch west of AA on a Saturday morning and hitchhiked back to town with a mother and her son on their way to the son's quizbowl match.
That my friend trumps all stories!
Holy. Shit. If that is true, that is just amazing. On so many levels. Let's assume he lived on/near campus. How the hell did he get all the way down to I-94? Did he walk? Was he in a car and got thrown out of it? Was there some sort of fleeing from the Po-lice? Were Mateen Cleaves and Robert Traylor involved, along with a flipped over SUV? What about Avery Queen wrestling on a median?
Man, I want more details. What went down before he woke up in the ditch?? How did he get out there? What was he on? THAT is an all-time classic. Bordering on, "whoah, dude, you might have a problem or something...how much blow, acid, Old Crow, and mescaline were you on, man?"
Old Crow creates just these kind of nights. The tamest of Old Crow nights ended with my roommate swimming in a man made hotel pond.
I hope your roommate is okay with you posting this information on the internet.
If I was that intoxicated I would be furious if he did not show me the same courtesy by sharing my stupor with anonymous message boarders.
The Internet is for making fun of your friends!
Called the mad pisser. He pisses everywhere. On hockey bags, in dryers, clothes, down the stairs. Well one night my buddies ex is stayin the night his roomate actually and he pisses on her in bed she wakes up screaming as she opens the door he is standing there talk about awkward. I guess in high school he pissed all over someones house at Miami(OH) and while we were playing North Dakota the ref said is that really _____ I cant say his name but i said yea and proceded to tell me the story before the game about how he pissed all over his couch and these girls.
I had a really difficult time reading your story.
My roommate occasionally pisses himself when he is black-out drunk. I'm actually kind of disappointed he didn't do so tonite.
He has pissed on his girlfriend twice.
Or does she just have a thing for golden showers?
2nd-hand story but still entertaining...
A housemate of my sister (and varsity swimmer... and pretty cute) brings home a guy for the evening. Both are drunk. Nocturnal activity (to an unknown degree) takes place. Slumber commences.
At some point in the middle of the night the guy wakes up and, in a panic, decides he has to get out of there. He does so quietly and his absence is not noted until the morning. All his clothes are still there.
Here's the good part:
It was one of those frigid January days where the temperature bottoms out south of 10F. By process of elimination the swimmer (tall gal, by the way) determines that the guy must have walked several blocks wearing only her swim parka (long, knee-length coat that probably fit him perfectly) and Croc-ish sandals. Chilly!
Since your buddy is planning to be a male nurse, I imagine splitting a four-pack of Seagram's strawberry coolers with Jim Tressel was more than enough to get him in this condition. Just looking for confirmation.
lol male nurse joke omg that is good
That was a "Jim Tressel hearts wine coolers" joke. The male nurse component was just gravy for anyone who doesn't have cable, and therefore hasn't seen "Meet the Parents" 2,387 times.
Jamaica during college. Friend gets blackout drunk at bar and stops talking to everyone, just stands in corner looking deranged. Shortly after, inexplicably punches me square in the back while I'm talking to some girls, walks off and isn't seen for the rest of the night. We all go home around 3am by taxi to hotel four miles away. At around 5am, friend comes home, but instead of using key to come through door, climbs outside from balcony to balcony three stories up to get to room. Punches through screen door connecting to balcony, unlocks door, crawls into bed to no remark from us. Upon waking, he has no recollection of anything from 11pm onward: how he got home, how he acrobatically negotiated the balconies, etc. Also, at some point he had lost both his shoes.
For my part, somehow I woke up wearing one of said friend's t-shirts as underpants. Weird?
I imagine whatever he did in-between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. did not make him many friends amongst the locals.
My sophomore year a roommates brother was visiting, big guy who could really booze, and we all head out after some pre-party at our apartment. Brothers split a fifth of Jack Daniels in about an hour for pre-party. Many cocktails later we are back at our apartment with the video camera out being stupid when my roommate disappears for a bit so we naturally go looking for him to fuck with him. We end up finding him in his bathroom on the toilet taking a Buckeye with his pants around his ankles covered in vomit. Dude puked on himself while Buckey-ing. Best part, fast forward the tape a few minutes and he returns to the party wearing the same clothes having no clue anything is wrong. My third roommate has the tape somewhere and I have no doubt that it will surface for a reunion sooner or later.
Also, I sleepwalk when I blackout so I have some good stories about that, but I think I will stick to stories about other people.
Last fall this guy I know turned 21, so of course everyone at the bar is giving him shots constantly. After maybe two hours of this, everyone heads to a club nearby. In the middle of the dance floor the birthday boy decides he has to piss, and just whips it out and pees on a couple of girls in front of him. One of his friends deserves an award, though; he reached around and tucked it back in, zipped up the kid's jeans and took him home, not sure I could/would have done that
So we had our annual Halloween party a few years ago at the fraternity and one of the brothers dressed in all white. I can't remember what he was dressed as but he was wearing all white. He crashed on another brothers couch because he didn't live in the house. Well a pledge was sleeping down the hallway in a different room and got up to go to the bathroom. Instead of taking a left into the bathroom he took a right into the brothers room. The guy in all white heard the door open and thought it was someone looking for a couch to sleep on and didn't bother to look. Well the pledge saw the brother in all white and thought it was the toilet and began to pee all over the brother. Hearing the story the next day was pretty funny.
Our first night out at the bars...wasted....and loose one guy. Head back to the hotel not knowing what happened to him. Pull up to the hotel in the cab and there is our boy....but he's wearing women's clothes!
His story is as follows: He says he left the bar with a hooker and agreed to pay $50 to bang her. They took a cab to her place (he had no idea where he was)...he bangs her...and then she jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and pulls out a knife demanding $100! He says he told her to fuck off, puts on her clotes, and takes off down the street. He comes up to a random hotel gate, tells the guard he doesn't have any money, but needs to get to the Royal Islander Hotel (can't remember if this was the actual name). The guard says...hey man, this IS the Royal Islander!
We pull up at this point, and the hooker and some Jamaican are there demanding $100. I send the guy to our room to get the money and pay her...reasoning he doesn't want to be walking around all week in fear of getting his throat slit. He pays her, gives her clothes back..gets his clothes back...and all ends well.
I dated this girl for a while. She was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!"
lol... +1 for the 40 year old virgin reference.
One of my buddies chopped down a pine tree outside Bursley around 3am our freshman year because he wanted a Christmas tree for his room. Naturally, DPS arrested him while dragging it through the lobby.
I wonder if everyone has a friend that cut down a tree and tried to take it back to North Campus. I know one too.
Freshman year Couzens 6th floor two guys were sleeping in their beds when the door pops open. This is when all the doors had hotel locks but people would fuck them up enough that they just wouldn't lock properly. Well the crash was significant enough that they figure it's their drunk friend popping in but there's just silence. One of the guys rolls over to see what's going on after a couple minutes expecting to see the friend passed out on the floor and sees a figure crouching over the desk on a chair. This is with the stackable furniture and it was set up so the desk was facing out. Then there was the sound of water. The roommate yells for his roommate to wake up and they find that one of the co-eds down the floor is flat out squat over the desk atop the chair pissing all over the laptop and desk. She was one door off from the bathroom and had hit the door hard enough to pop it and somehow managed all of this. Well the guy gets up and starts yelling, she runs to her room, locks the door and claims the guy is pissed off and drunk and lying. That was like week two of the first semester.
Other activities included slingshotting tennis balls down the hall from one hall down to the other. 6th floor couzens is shaped like a T so we were shooting from the bottom to the top of the T where they meet. It was absurd and drunken and great.
The other was shooting with said slingshot fruit and various food and trash across the gap of the wings separated like a H from the left side to the right. We finally shot baby carrots and hit a window. Drunk kid decides he wants to throw a water balloon and right as he's about to throw it I remember thinking "man, that girl just opened her window to see what hit it (the carrots)." Kid wasn't aiming and even if he had been it was a one in a million shot. Hit the screen 2 floors down and exploded right next to the girl in her room on her desk.
So much stupid shit through the years. Fire extinguishers, guys lying to DPS that the large object under their jacket is not a case of beer but a fish tank, etc.
On my 21st birthday I got totally annihilated and I passed out in the car on the way back to my apartment. My roommates had to drag me to my bed and I am like 6-3 280 and both my roommates combined are barely 300, luckily our neighbors were still up and they (girls no less) helped them.
About half way there they dropped me on my face and my nose started bleeding all over. One of the girls was pre-med and checked to see if my nose was broken but it wasn't, so they just took off my clothes and left me in my boxers
Well the girls decided to stay and hang out with my roommates, and about an hour later I stumbled out of my room (still in just my boxers) and went into the kitchen, where you can see clearly from the living room where they were sitting. I walked in and grabbed some leftover turkey out of the fridge not saying anything to anyone. I put the turkey on the counter turned back to the fridge and started pissing in it. I finished turned around and went back in my room.
The next day they told me about it and I didn't believe them so they showed me, and sure enough, about two inches of piss in the bottom of the crisper.
I want to know why the hell a mom with a kid in the car would pick up a hitchhiker in the first place.
Did he have a case of Bud Light? Heyyooo!