I originally posted this on Bless You Boys, but I figured I'd stick it here and then reserve the right to fix it and make it funnier (and maybe add photos and stuff) when I am not really tired.
Selig: Okay, guys, after the most obviously Instant Replayable bad call in the history of my game, which is shits older than all of your games, I have called this meeting to get your ideas on how MLB should implement Instant Replay.
Goodell: Well, Bud, what you should do is leave this up to your coaches, but they have only a limited amount of challenges each game, and they lose their timeout if they’re wrong, and….
Selig: But then they’ll only get like 1/3 of the calls right.
Goodell: Um, it's better than nothing...
Selig: I need something more real. Gary, how do you guys do it in the NHL?
Bettman: Oh, ours is great -- what we do is send the tape to Toronto, at which point our league experts will determine which team is wearing a Red Wings logo. The call is then returned to the refs, who may then judge it to be whatever they think makes them not look bad.
Selig: This seems to defeat the purpose of Instant Replay. How do you give your refs cover if they can just overturn clear video evidence?
Bettman: Because they will watch it again and again and determine when they first dreamed of thinking of maybe blowing their whistles, at which point the play is over. They have THOUGHT POWERS!!! Na na na na na na THOUGHT POWERS!!!
Selig: Doesn’t that take a long time?
Bettman: Yes, but dude, fans love the long breaks because that’s when we can play Sidney Crosby clips. That’s all our fans really want anyway: Sidney Crosby….and Nascar. DUDE!!! Sidney Crosby in a NASCAR!!! WITH THOUGHT POWERS! Na na na na na na na na....
Selig: Oooookaaaay… Hoops-Guy, got any advice?
Stern: Sure do. Keep it simple — use it only for plays that occur after the game ends.
Selig: Errr...that doesn’t really help us. We're not timed.
Stern: Oh. In that case, just have your refs call everything for the team that’s losing. Don’t want fans to turn off their TVs…
Selig: Fellas, this is not helpful. You
- Big Ten guy over there — you guys do Instant Replay officiating. What do you do?
Delany: Well, we have a guy sitting in a room with a DVR.
Selig: That’s it?
Delany: That’s it.
Selig: A guy in a room with a DVR.
Delany: Yup. And a HI-Def TV.
Selig: Anything else?
Delany: A Basic Cable package.
Selig: How does a dude in a room with a DVR fix bad calls?
Delany: Well, he watches each play and if the call is close he watches it again on his DVR, and if he can't tell yet he calls down and says "waitaminute just a second guys," and then he calls down and tells us what the call was.
Selig: How is that going to satisfy your fans?
Delany: Dude, that IS your fans.
Selig: This makes sense somehow. Do you have any goals for expanding this?
Delany: Yes. We have one, and only one goal, and it is our goal with every decision the Big Ten makes.
Selig: You mean to let the action on the field decide the outcome?
Delany: No, to