by Jack Handey
If a MSU player commits an altercation and the Freep doesn't report it - did it happen?
One cannot catch a tiger by tail - but how can one catch a tiger with tail?
Discuss Amongst Yourselves
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!"
"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."
What is the most dangerous animal on the African continent, in terms of humans killed by it per year?
(I just learned this one the other day. It's surprising.)
Or the black mamba?
because you prefaced it the way you did, i'm going to say: hippo.
possibly the rhymnocerous. his lyrics are bottomless.
Some words from the hiphopopotomus we could all live by on the MGoBoard:
"Be more constructive with your feedback."
Clearly I already answered that question!
But to humor you, I'll say...the rhino.
Not counting the mosquito (which obviously wins because of malaria), it's the hippo. I had no idea about this. The water buffalo and rhino are not too far behind. All the carnivores are way down the list.
The mosquito isn't deadly - Plasmodium is. Which brings me to:
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"To me, clowns aren't funny.In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
The mosquito. Boom city.
Edit: Wow I'm late and apparently blind.
"Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now."
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."
"I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."
If Jesus's last name is Christ, is that God's last name?
that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs."
I promised my kids I would take them to Disney World. They were so excited. It was not until later that I realized I did not have the money to take them to Disney World. I struggled to find a way to break it to them. Then one day as we were driving home from the store I saw a factory complex burning to the ground and I said...Hey kids, look, thats Disney World.
Did you adapt yours to the Current Economic Climate? Here's the real version:
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old, burned-down warehouse. "Oh no!" I said, "Disneyland burned down!" He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
EDIT: Oops - someone already posted the correct version below. Oh well ... it's a good one.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
"I think that in wrestling, sudden uncontrollable urination should not disqualify you"
My favorite from Handy
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish.
I was born to love you
I was born to lick your face
I was born to rub you
But you were born to rub me first
Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story. I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
I've got a pool...or a pond. A pond would be good for you.
Are you gonna eat your fat?
"I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Meetings-Because none of us is as dumb as all of us.
I cried because I had no shoes- then I met a man who had no feet, so I beat the holy crap out of him. Turns out I'm Lack-toes intolerant. Who knew?
“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. —Jack Handey
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team
The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.
DARE TO SLACK
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schultz