DB Position Group to Transfer

Citing program instability and discontent with its presumed position on the team’s depth chart, the University of Michigan Defensive backfield position group has requested its release from U of M, with intent to transfer to another Division 1 school. The position group attempted to explain its decision during an interview.

“It’s nothing about the school, you know? And it’s not the coaches either. I’ll always love the University of Michigan. There’s just been so much uncertainty about me. I’m made up of these guys, then those guys. Sometimes I’m playing zone, then suddenly man. Nobody pays me any mind for three years, and now everybody is. My days were full of hair, and now I don’t see enough of it to make a balding hamster.”

The position group also cited injury and personnel concerns.

“Just between you and me, this isn’t a safe environment for a position group like me. There’s some spooky stuff going on. And then, I’m not sure if there’s enough of me left for the field.”

In parting, the position group did try to bolster fans’ emotions.

“The team will be alright. In truth, I’ve spent the last two or three years paralyzed by fear of injury, so I can’t imagine this will hurt them too much. I’m thinking about talking to BYU. I really need to get a god of some sort on my side sooner or later.”

Defensive coordinator Greg Mattison spoke on the position group’s transfer.

“I wish DB well wherever it ends up. As for us, we’ll finally be able to get that tough defensive challenge we’ve been looking for with only seven men. The players that comprised DB would have been moved, but upon its announcement, they all suddenly disappeared in a cloud of torn ligaments and confetti made from transfer papers.”

He continued, but the glare off of his forehead disrupted our recording equipment.