Bylaw Change (True) NCAA to allow institutions to provide bagel spreads to college athletes
I hear Terelle Pryor really likes his bagels with $1,000 bills as the spread. Very tasty that way.
Kiss amateurism goodbye. Enjoy your assorted jellies, sellouts.
There is a definitive lack of proper moderate categories for posts like this.
Might I suggest 'Splendid,' 'Badass,' or perhaps 'Humdinger?'
After seeing what the Miami players received, I think the NCAA might need to worry about other things that are being spread for the players.
What is in that minecraft pic? Is it a gigantic stone man doing the heisman pose?
Damn right! I always love when people recognize my pic. I made the statue myself by carving it out of a mountain (I went through 3 diamond shovels, iirc). You can't tell from the picture, but I even put a '16' in torches on the chest.
and yet terrifying at the same time.
You left out ammendment 2:
White or wheat toast will it result in a 2 year bowl ban and loss of 12 schollies.
I heard that salmon lox would get the death penalty unless you went to OSU..
i think you mean... "unless you went to Brandeis"
Alabama is already using chopped lox in lieu of slices in order to fall under the "traditional spread" definition. Saban is kind of a genius at these things.
Wait, now they get bagels?! I knew I shouldn't have given up my high school football career!
Why the fuck did rules forbidding cream cheese exist in the first place? Were they afraid that a booster was going to hide some jewelry in the cream cheese or something?
I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat. Most ballinest shit EVER.
But does it make your dookie sparkle?
No but it does make my poopie twinkle.
I always put gold flakes on my ice cream. Makes the taste sharper.
The guy is a national treasure. I think he was the guy who originated this story a couple of days ago:
Next from Charles Robinson: boosters at Texas caught funneling HUNDREDS of dollars in lox to the football team, and Mack Brown knew about it all along.
A few years ago they were only allowed protein bars.....so I guess this is a step forward??
Herme's bureaucracy song seems relevant...
So how do training table meals get past the rules? Players are eating a lot more than bagels and cream cheese at training table.
These are things available at all times, not just at meals.
so if I'm reading this correctly, bagels and fruit was always fine. But for some reason jelly, butter and sour cream presented an issue? So players just had to eat their bagels dry? Isn't that some kind of torture.
you put sour cream on your bagel???
But I thought the spread was dead...
The spread will never work in the Big 10
Tell that to Northwestern and Nebraska, or M-OSU 2006...
No wonder the "I didn't know" excuse works with the NCAA - apparently even they don't read the bylaws. Then, you have a separate bylaw for every conceivable thing that could ever happen - whatever happened to principle based rules? Something like "institutions are allowed to provide players with food"?
You think cream cheese is a joke? I never dick around when it comes to cream cheese.
I was 100% certain that I was about to read a good Onion article making this joke. That makes this being real even more sad... what real credentials do the people running the NCAA actually have?!?!
players can just say they ordered the "everything" bagel.
You know: poppy seeds, garlic, prostitutes, etc...
Bagels without spead is like sex without... sex.
Spread are like sex without ...
sex a female
This provides Michigan with a clear advantage over other programs. I seriously doubt anyone can compete with Zingerman's.
Ther are some mighty fine bagels (and spreads) on the upper west side. Columbia is going to DOMINATE. (unless the football-hating doyens of the Ivy League, as usual, insist on more stringent, less spreadable standards of amateurism in collegiate athletics).
As long as they don't also supply an assortment of smears. That would be a bridge too far for me.
Serious question. What about the Jewish student athletes who like to have lox with their bagels? That's certainly more expensive than cream cheese or butter. With their access to NYC delicatessens, doesn't St. John's have an unfair advantage?
Does this just allow for plain cream cheese, or are you allowed to use the flavored kind like garlic, strawberry, etc? If you provide organic cream cheese, does that constitute an improper benefit since it costs more?
show the wisdom of the NCAA. Notice how this new rule doesn't take effect until next August? A subcommittee has been formed to address these critical outstanding issues. Stay tuned . . .
Nuts? Cashews, pistachios, macadamia nuts: That could get expensive.
Former 2012 Commit: "Sorry Brady, but I've decided to switch my commitment to Rutgers. They bring the best bagels in from some little joint in NYC every day during the season, and now they've added these new spreads that are off the charts."
Sometimes with my bagels, I'm in a spread, brown-eye kind of mood. Wonder if thats covered.
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCHMEARED BY ALLEGATIONS OF BAGEL-RELATED IMPROPRIETIES
Charles Robinson-The NCAA is investigating claims that the University of Michigan football team has been receiving improper bagel benefits at training table. Sources at Sid's Bagel Fragel have admitted to providing the football team with the exotic amuse bouches known as Fragels, fried bagels that are more conform to the NCAA's definition of donuts. Bagels, while covered by NCAA bylaw 16.5.2(h) "(h) Fruit, Nuts and Bagels. An institution may provide fruit, nuts and bagels [including bagel spreads (e.g., butter, peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese)] to a student-athlete at any time," must be of the common form that you would buy in a grocery store. Competitors Breugger's Bagels and Panera Bread of Ann Arbor provided critical documentation of their NCAA-approved bagel inventory.
The UM hockey team has also been alleged to have been provided with lox at training table, a clear violation of 16.5.2(h), which only allows for butter, peanut butter, jelly, and cream cheese explicitly. Athletic Director Dave Brandon dismissed this allegation out of hand, saying, "Bylaw 16.5.2(h) refers to the approved spreads with the introductory 'exempli gratia,' that is to say, it does not exclude lox from the approved spreads list. But I wouldn't expect the NCAA to understand Latin, considering they are baffled by the concept of a pryori."
Not even the women's water polo team has escaped scrutiny, having received locally-grown tomatoes and squash. While botanically considered fruits, the NCAA is forming a special task force to determine whether foods that are popularly considered vegetables qualify under the Bylaw 16.5.2(h) exemption.
President Mary Sue Coleman was not available for comment.
Made my day. Thank you.
Where can one get a proper Fragel these days, anyways?
Mike Rosenberg reports from anonymous sources that Michigan players were forced to eat several Fragels at their Sunday meals, and that they were served by unauthorized quality control staff who taste-tested the bagels and spreads before giving them to the players. The coaches would often yell and use profanity if the players didn't clean their plates. Several incoming freshman players were quoted as confirming that they have been given food, while players and coaches at other schools stated that only plain bagels and plain cream cheese had been provided at those institutions, and that the coaches at those schools had lectured the players about the rules on an hourly basis.
are those permitted?...or only the stumps?
Why would fat women wearing tight pants be permitted by the NCAA? They should be prohibited by all?
I was so very, very confident this was an onion article. So very confident.
This is what happens when people try to legislate what they're allowed to do instead of what you're not allowed to do. You end up discussing cream cheese.
I think the NCAA may have their rules written by the military. To paraphrase, wearing a bluetooth headset in uniform is permissible under certain circumstances. These include sitting in a car or at a desk. However, the servicemember shall remove the headset upon standing, however, a bluetooth headset may be used to make a call while standing if the servicemember is standing still.
Terrelle Pryor once found car keys in his cream cheese. This is a true story.
that Kramer gave to the football team. We'd have to tear the stadium renovations down and give them back, after we re-name Schembechler Hall.
Dear NCAA - your goat rodeo has been out of control for a long time. I believe we have moved beyond that point all the way to irrelevant.
when the NCAA folds [in the very near future] we're going to look back at this and realize this action was the tipping point in the collapse of the amature athletics!
michigan will never adopt the spread again.
is about to spread 'em and lube up with jelly if ya know what I'm sayin.
I prefer syrup
When I read this rule, I think of the following scenario:
A star recruit is on a visit to USC. At one point, Lane Kiffin puts his arm around the kid, takes him aside, and says "kid, I want you to meet a friend of the program. Mr Booster, meet Mr. Star Recruit".
Kiffin then announces that he has to go make a phone call. He walks towards his office, leaving Mr. Booster and Mr. Star Recruit together alone.
Mr. Booster looks over his shoulder both ways to make sure that they aren't being watched. Then he says in a hushed voice:
"Kid, look. I like you. And I want you to know that we take care of our people here at USC." He hands the star recruit a folded brown paper bag.
"Um. What's this, sir?" Asks the recruit
"It's just a little token of my appreciation. Like I said, we take care of our people here at USC"
The star recruit unfolds the paper bag, opens it, and his eyes suddenly light up. He reaches in and pulls out a bagel covered in cream cheese. At first, he looks delighted. It takes his mother a week of work at the factory to earn this much cream cheese! But then, he hesitates. "Gee, I don't know, sir. I mean, isn't this against the rules and all?"
"Don't worry about that." Says Mr. Booster. "Everybody does it. The coaches and the administrators get paid a bunch of money. What's wrong with you getting a little taste?"
Star recruit says "Yeah, man. I see that you're sayin', man. Thanks. I really appreicate it."
Mr. Booster then says in a kindly, fatherly voice. "Kid, that's just a taste. There's a lot more where that came from. I just want you to know. I'm here for you. If you ever need anything, you come and talk to me. You got problems with grades, you talk to me. Cops giving you some trouble? Come talk to me. You need some cream cheese, maple syrup, butter, jelly, peanut butter -- anything you need -- you come talk to me. I'm the man to see."
Star recruit says with a smile "Yeah man, thanks a lot. I'll remember that."
The two part with a smile and a handshake. Right before he walks away, Mr. Booster says "remember, kid, we take care of our people here."
He leaves and Lane Kiffin returns. "So, kid, how are you enjoying your visit."
"It's great coach. I'm just totally blown away. Look, coach. I think I wanna play football here at USC. I'm gonna commit right now..."
What a mechaya! Finally this cruel, anti-schmear campaign by the NCAA will end!
Wait...could somebody please check and see if this includes lox?
count as a spread?
I wonder how long it took them to decide this. I wonder what the debate was like. I hope it was intense.
The big worry on the conservative side was that using bagel spreads were considered to be a "gateway violation"
It was troubling to me that the Honey Walnut spread from Panera was considered illicit per the NCAA bylaws until now....
Is it illegal to provide ketchup to put on eggs?
So you guys all joke, but this post title immediately reminded me of an article (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/inside_game/magazine/life_of_reilly/) I read in SI several years ago. So I googled it (instead of diggin through my SI collection in the basement that the wife has threatened to throw away when I'm not home, in fact, when I get home, I better go check on those mags..but I digress) and give you exhibit A (warning, it's a Rick Reily article so it's laden with jokes that are trying too hard, and out of date, but they were out of date when he wrote them in 2003):
Thank God for the NCAA. Without it, college sports would have more thugs than a Snoop Dogg video.
Last week, for instance, the NCAA brought notorious Utah coach Rick Majerus and his outlaw basketball program to justice. Just look what the NCAA nailed this cretin on:
- Unashamedly purchasing a dinner in 1994 for his player Keith Van Horn at a Salt Lake City deli. At 3 a.m., no less! So what if Van Horn's father had died that night? Or that Majerus was the one who had to tell him? Or that Van Horn wanted Majerus to stay with him until his 8 a.m. flight home? This ain't Dr. Phil!
"I guess I should've reached over as he was getting on the plane and said, 'Hey, you owe me $9.90 for the ham and eggs,'" Majerus says.
Do you see? Do you see the attitude?
Brazenly buying a bagel for a player. Who cares if the player was upset about his brother's recent suicide attempt and had come to Majerus to talk? "I could've talked to the kid in my office, I guess," Majerus says. "But if you go get a bagel, it kind of relaxes a kid. It's not coach-player anymore. It's two guys talkin'."
Bah! It's one guy cheating, and, in truth, Majerus got lucky. The report never states what kind of bagel Majerus bought the kid. For instance, an "everything" bagel is a considerably larger offense in the eyes of the NCAA. And don't even get me started on the ramifications of lox.
It has taken the NCAA 9 years to come to a very well considered 200 word conclusion after the above incident nearly collapsed collegiate sportsmanship for good. Their conclusion namely summarized by them in the following, "the budget impact will vary according to the amount and type of spread". This is not merely a word of caution to would-be flouters of the spirit of their requirements law, rather it is a display of pure NCAA genius, and should be given the full respect their conclusion to delineate the subtleties of spread rightly has earned them...seriously; and no one here is trying to joke about it, nor smear the NCAA; believe me, sir.
Personally, I assure you; I regard the effort the NCAA put into their deliberations, and the brilliant outcome pretty dogggone serious my friend. What else is undoubtedly next? It is a toss-up between donuts or nuclear war according to my inside sources. It is this serious as you have rightly pointed out; and I stand by you even to the very bitter end of the parsley spread,but especially as now regards the important work the NCAA has yet to complete over the debate between boston creme and butter creme filled (donuts of course - and whether dunking is allowed, to what extent, what type of coffee or other beverages etc.) I slaute you, sir in these, your valiant efforts to retain the proper decorum on this site, in order to preserve the blessings of liberty to us and to our posterity. Again...Thank-you for your good work supported by the research, and good luck in your future endeavors!!
Finally somone takes me seriously. Seriously.
I am sure you will agree, it is high time also to close the loophole, too, of trading peanut butter for tattoos. I know of more than one University already in deep cream cheese with the NCAA over this. The scandal will shock you; it is worse than jelly for jewelry which brought the death penalties we still talk about to this day. The prospective dangers of large quantities of peanut butter and strawberry cream cheese being removed surreptitiously from the pantry of The Supervisor of Bagel-Spread, a designated high-security zone which should remain double-locked or watched at all times, has given me nightmares, and has struck fear into the hearts of many a responsible citizen such as we who deeply care about the viability and future of university sporting programs.
I have a feeling we will see a significant decline in the nymber of players leaving school early for the draft.
NCAA no longer lactose intolerant.