Big Ten teams as Biblical Figures
Found this on EDSBS. Written by "SpartanGator" so it does have an unveiled and admitted Sparty homerism to it.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2011/2/10/1987236/b1g-programs-as-biblical-figures
Michigan - King Saul: The first real ruler of the B1G. Became crazy, corrupt and self entitled. Feared David (Ohio State) taking over, yet was strangely depended upon him for sanity and purpose. Did not go away easily. Fuck Michigan.
I also thought the Indiana and Minnesota ones were pretty good. I'd like to see everyone's take on which figures you would select for which teams. His is skewed a little towards the Old Testiment...and his Sparty goggles...
February 12th, 2011 at 12:23 PM ^
Michigan State- Jonah. Gets eaten by a whale and spit out onto shore. Even the whale didn't want him.
February 12th, 2011 at 12:28 PM ^
Michigan- Jesus
OSU- Pilate
MSU- Random onlooker to the event.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:31 PM ^
Because we will rise again after being dead for 3 days (seasons). MSU could also be Barabbas. He was allowed to roam free while we were killed, He got his 15 minutes of fame. Apocryphally, he came to no good end, either perishing in rebellion or vanishing into obscurity.
February 12th, 2011 at 2:37 PM ^
I like to think of MSU as the random person screaming to kill Jesus without knowing anything about him.
Sparty looks up and screams stupid things, and gets no attention except the day they play us.
February 12th, 2011 at 12:29 PM ^
MGoBlog take: Michigan = Job. God decides to test Job's faith by sending him adversity upon adversity to those we love.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:33 PM ^
Perfect, just perfect for the past few years. That makes Tressel one of the plagues that God allows the devil to send to test us, but this also means in the end we come through and win again!
February 12th, 2011 at 2:09 PM ^
But wouldn't Indiana or Minnesota be even more Job-like?
February 12th, 2011 at 2:38 PM ^
Minnesota would fit perfectly. Once upon a time they were blessed, now they're definitely cursed.
February 12th, 2011 at 3:02 PM ^
Team must have been great and favored by God first before evil Satan (Tressel/OSU) is allowed to test it!
February 12th, 2011 at 2:28 PM ^
When I first saw the thread title, this was my instinct.
February 12th, 2011 at 12:32 PM ^
MSU - the Philistines
OSU - Satan
UM - the meek that shall inherit the earth
February 12th, 2011 at 12:37 PM ^
where the fuck is Purdue?
February 12th, 2011 at 12:39 PM ^
February 12th, 2011 at 12:43 PM ^
To fill out our recruiting roster at the last minute.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:03 PM ^
It's an Indiana-based clearinghouse for players who could serve better on other rosters. It's like the Big Ten's version of Kelly Services.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:27 PM ^
It was the last stop in our 3 date "Complete and Total Domination Of Indiana Tour" of 2010.
February 12th, 2011 at 2:13 PM ^
Purdue is one of those random guys that gets mentioned in one verse of the geneology chapters in Genesis - the ones they briefly talk about before they get to the important figures.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:33 PM ^
Purdue is the older brother from the parable of the prodigal son. Always just hung around, never doing anything worth noticing, and complains bitterly when the other brother comes out of nowhere and gets a big party thrown for him.
Also, re: Wisconsin as Noah, same guy who, after the flood, got drunk, stripped naked, and passed out in his tent. Sounds about right to me.
February 12th, 2011 at 12:49 PM ^
mostly the same, except ...
Ohio State = Nebuchadnezzar II: powerful, evil, boastful; soon to be put in their place...
Michigan State = Jehu: had some early success, but tolerated iniquity and eventually was conquered by nomads
Michigan = Moses: "leaders and best" ... "conquering heroes" ... nuff said
February 12th, 2011 at 7:39 PM ^
Only problem with the Moses analogy is that he never made it into the promised land. (yeah, I paid attention in Sunday school - wanna make soemthin' of it?)
February 12th, 2011 at 9:41 PM ^
Mine is holier than yours?
February 12th, 2011 at 12:43 PM ^
Gross to look at, and you never see one in real life outside of the state/Bible.
February 12th, 2011 at 12:43 PM ^
MSU-- Abel, little brother killed by his big brother
MIchigan-- Cain, big brother.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:08 PM ^
...this: "...yet was strangely depended upon him for sanity and purpose" should be "yet was strangely dependent on him for sanity and purpose." It's nice to see our illiterate Sparty friend use the Bible in such a positive way.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:13 PM ^
Indiana- David without his slingshot.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:16 PM ^
No people represented just Sodom & Gomorrah.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:24 PM ^
I was thinking of MSU as the plague of frogs: annoying more than anything else and what the hell is that?
February 12th, 2011 at 6:26 PM ^
And they're green, too!
February 12th, 2011 at 2:09 PM ^
I think the most obvious scenario would have Michigan as Joseph. He had 11 brothers who were jealous of him because he was the smartest and most favored of all of Jacob's sons. It also pissed his brothers off because he had the most kick-ass looking coat (there are rumors that it was colored maize and blue).
February 12th, 2011 at 2:13 PM ^
I prefer to think of it as technicolor dream coat...
<br>
<br>Really.
<br>
<br>No, not really.
February 12th, 2011 at 2:56 PM ^
...analogy is that Michigan is Big Brother.
February 12th, 2011 at 7:41 PM ^
msu can be benjamin, the littlest brother of them all?
February 12th, 2011 at 4:26 PM ^
Wincey wins the thread. How did I not beat you to that one?
February 12th, 2011 at 4:50 PM ^
I owe my parents an apology. I told them Sunday school was a complete waste of time.
February 12th, 2011 at 7:20 PM ^
I know they're not in the B1G, but I think you have to save Joseph for Oregon due to the multi-colored coat / technicolor uniforms comparison.
I vote for MSU as Judas, who betrayed UM by voting for OSU to go to the Rose Bowl. Although the plague of frogs fits them perfectly as well.
Purdue = Noah, he built an Ark, they have a kick-ass train.
Nebraska being new would have to be some seven-headed demon serpent out of Revelations.
OSU = satan. Obviously.
Minnesota = the 12 apostles. They were fishers of men, Minnesota has 10,000 lakes. Lots of fishing going on there, even if' it's ice fishing.
University of Chicago = John the Baptist. He got beheaded. They beheaded their athletic programs.
February 12th, 2011 at 2:49 PM ^
......same thing was created for the SEC the day prior.
http://www.garnetandblackattack.com/2011/2/9/1984111/sec-programs-as-bi…
ackward...
February 12th, 2011 at 3:04 PM ^
His very first line is giving credit to the original post as his inspiration. Not awkward.
February 12th, 2011 at 3:27 PM ^
.....this did get ackward..
February 12th, 2011 at 4:17 PM ^
Michigan is Lazarus. Dead. Needs Jeebus to it back to life.
Gotta love the dolt who still calss MSU "Little Brother"
February 12th, 2011 at 4:26 PM ^
That won't be popular.
February 12th, 2011 at 5:09 PM ^
MSU is Rachab -- a whore, gets fucked a lot.
OSU is the serpent -- evil, pure evil
February 12th, 2011 at 5:37 PM ^
ended up helping to good guys.
February 12th, 2011 at 5:56 PM ^
Abel = Michigan
Cain = Michigan State
Only in this case almost everytime Cain tries to kill Abel, Abel pulls out a kabar and Modern Warfare's his ass
EDIT: Attempted to save myself from looking like a total bonehead for spelling Cain so incredibly wrong... Thanks Tater, lol.
February 12th, 2011 at 6:23 PM ^
Did you play Command & Conquer (pick your version) a lot back in the day?
February 12th, 2011 at 5:48 PM ^
1. I love TR's WWE spelling of "Kane," even if it was subsequently edited.
2. There is no way Sparty could be half this funny trying to find biblical analogies for Michigan, if they could even spell "analogy."
3. My finger is tired from having to pos so many people for making me laugh so hard. Thanks to all.
February 12th, 2011 at 5:50 PM ^
Sorry but that list was wrong for so many reasons. Let's try again.
Ohio State: The serpent in the garden of Eden who convinces recruits that if they show up in Columbus they will be like God but instead it leads to total distruction. We later find out that this is none other than the enemy of all that is good and true in the world.
Penn State: Pharaoh and the Egyptians. While their ways have in the past proved to be successful as they have swelled in power and wealth. Thieir stubborness has lead to be their downfall. After seeing ten other plagues unleashed on them they still remain hard-hearted and refuse to change.
Purdue: Baalam. The only reason he gets mentioned is sometimes his ass talks for him.
Minnesota: Laban. Once rich and proud with beautiful daughters (1950's football). Jacob (the rest of the big ten) has come and taken his daughters and all their best goats. Now they are left a shell of what they used to be.
Indiana: The lepers. They are harmless and in need of healing. Often not considered part of the community.
Iowa: Haman. The king's right hand man in the book of Esther. This guy has the typical, "little-man syndrome." He stakes his life and actualization on the backhanded anhilation of others instead of cementing an identity for himself. Ultimatly, he has to accept a fate he thought he was giving the ones he was trying to kill.
Michigan State: Ahab. Usually bossed around and spineless, however also has a flair for crime like stealing vinyards, and murdering prophets. Secretly wishes he had God's favor like Elijah.
Nebraska: Ruth. Has no one to legitimize her and take care of her when those around her die (most of the big 12). Then she finds a new land, a new people, and a new sense of self.
Wisconsin: Goliath. Also a Philistine but deserves a catagory all his own. A big lumbering bully who ravages the region for a time then is put in his place by a kid with a slingshot (TCU anyone).
Illinois: Harod Agrippa. He can't hold together the bit of the kingdom he has been given by his father and now, even though he has resources at his fingertips (decent recruits) finds himself being eaten alive by worms.
Northwestern: The Philistines. A sea-fearing, troublesome people who cause a bit of ruckus here and there but mostly find themselves beaten by other regional powers.
Michigan: Elijah. Often convinced they are the only one left with morals and logic, they press on to help the wayward kingdom restore justice and goodness to the land in the name of the LORD.
February 12th, 2011 at 6:20 PM ^
Figures that "MGoReverend" would have the final say on the topic. After I read the Michigan description of the OP as well as the phrase "Sparty homer bias" my will to click on the link evaporated into thin air. But you sir have broken the code, and told the true story of the Promised Land the way it was meant to be told. +1, Rev. +1!
February 12th, 2011 at 6:44 PM ^
Although I'm partial to Michigan State as Moses, who never reaches the Promised Land; Ohio State as the plague of locusts, Moloch, and the Romans who destroyed the Temple (combined); and Michigan as the people of the book--the Torah of rabbis Crisler, Yost, and Schembechler--as the Vengeance of the Lord, and as as the Resurrection and the Light.
(we really need Tom Lehrer for this thread)