Your Guide to Internet Orange Juice-Making Videos

As Michigan gets ready to take on Syracuse in a national hoops semifinal this evening, undoubtedly many of us will want to enjoy the game with a tasty citrus beverage—with or without alcoholic accompaniment.  And on a night like tonight, nothing will be more satisfying to the Wolverine faithful than crushing the juice out of those oranges ourselves.  If you’re accustomed to procuring your O.J. from the Tropicanas or Florida’s Naturals of the world, however, you might be a little unsure how to go about the fresh-squeeze.  Luckily, the YouTubes are chock-full of helpful how-tos, and EGD has sorted through them so you don’t have to.

1.       “How to Make Fresh Orange Juice” by mahalo.com

In this short & sweet production, natural food chef Kristina Jackson drops three oranges into an opaque food processor, and lets the camera zoom in on the orange trickle coming out the bottom while she runs down the nutritional specs.  It’s effective, but not very satisfying. 

2.       “How to Make Orange Juice – The Right Way” by FruitPerformance

Okay, here we have a hipsterish Canadian man demonstrating how to make O.J. in a fancy centrifugal dejuicer—while wearing only boxer shorts. His girlfriend (who, unfortunately, is not as extensively unattired) winds up doing most of the work while Pierre yammers on about bioflavonoids.  Sure, why not.

3.       “How to Make Orange Juice Quickly” by HowToBasic

From the “people will put anything on the internet” category, now here we have a :12 clip of a hand brutalizing a pair of orange wedges by repeatedly smashing them against a porcelain sink top.  Not very useful and lacks the kind of sophistication that one associates with the University of Michigan, but hey—the EGD don’t judge. 

4.       “HOW TO MAKE ORANGE JUICE” by MinOM03

In this video, a disembodied hand transforms 28 orange wedges into about 6 oz. of juice using a Ninja blender and a wire mesh strainer.  Evidently that wasn’t as much juice as the hand expected, as you’ll see at the end.  Sometimes unintentional humor is the best (same goes for the persistent use of all caps, and the amazingly lame acoustic guitar music that continues unabated throughout).

5.       “How to Make Orange Juice!” by ikates2good

This one features a young headless girl prying the seeds out of halved oranges with a knife that’s longer than her forearm, then cranking them around a hand-dejuicer for an epic 15:00 running time.  Admittedly I only watched the first 2:19, but that segment includes plenty of girl-on-orange violence and even a brief argument between our main protagonist and her off-camera mommy.  This one’s a winner.  And if 15 minutes isn’t enough orange killing for y’all, check out “How to Make Orange Juice! Pt. 2” for another 14 minutes of heart-stopping O.J. action. 

Alright.  Well, that’s probably enough orange juice videos for one day.  But before I go, here’s a recipe for a delicious cocktail that you can make with your fresh-squeezed product:

                Crying Orange Martini

·   3 oz. bourbon

·   1.5 oz. triple sec

·   1.5 oz. fresh orange tears

·   2 muddled Mandarin slices

Directions: mix bourbon, triple sec, and orange tears in cocktail shaker.  Strain into glass.  Garnish with Mandarin slices.