I wouldn't fuck Pam Ward with Condaleeza Rice's dick.
This is maaaaybe premature there, ESPN. Maryland #1 FWIW.
So we won. Wasn't the prettiest victory, but we won. In a year like this, I'll gladly take it. But one thing became painfully obvious during yesterday's game-- the hardest thing to deal with this year is not that the streak is over. It's not that the 8th loss is looming like that 'men's health exam' I'll soon be needing for the first time in my life. It's not that on New Year's Day I'll have to be sitting at some family member's house wishing it was ME yelling at my team for sucking it up in beautiful weather. It's not even Stevie Brown. Clearly, the worst part about this 2-7, and now 3-7 season is...
Pam Ward. Or as I'll refer to hereafter as PAM FREAKIN' WARD.
Yes, the worst part about being this bad is that PAM FREAKIN' WARD calls your game. I'm not positive here,
but from what I can remember not since 2005 have we had to endure the
utter pain and humiliation of having this CLUELESS talking zombie
rattle off for approximately four quarters. She is SOOO bad it makes
me want to write Paul Maguire a letter and invite him back to the Big
House!! It's like they took some homeless guy off the street in downtown Cairo, gave him a microphone and a bad photocopy of the 1996 Sega Madden instruction book and put him on national TV! You can say what you want about breaking down gender barriers, but for the love of American football, I can throw my grandmother in front of the TV and she'll at least have something to say for the next three hours! Pam Ward is like third rate dental work-- when you can't get anything else you're forced to take her or suffer. And dammit we love our Wolverines, so we swallowed our pride and took what ESPN forced upon us. I mean really, where do we start?
1. How many times does the average
TV viewer need to be told WHAT COLORS THE TEAMS ARE WEARING??? If, by
the fourth quarter you don't realize that the Wolverines are wearing
white and the Gophers are wearing maroon, then you probably want to
look into specialized TV broadcasting for the visually impaired.....
How many times did we need to hear about the 'HOOK and LATERAL' play
that Purdue used to ice the game last week? Well, the first six or
seven would have been fine for me, but PAM FREAKIN' WARD made sure to point it out at least 45 to 48 times depending on whether or not you had turned down the TV volume to single digit levels by the fourth quarter.
3. It's a shame Eric Decker couldn't play (hats off to Trent, of course) after paid her so much money to SAY THE GUY'S NAME EVERY SIX SECONDS for THREE HOURS. I think there were more overall shots of Decker's sunflower seed exploits than actual field-of-play coverage, and I'm sure the camera men were just following the lead of PAM FREAKIN' WARD.
4. You would think that if someone were going to put you in front of a national TV audience, you'd at least be willing to do a little homework on the teams so you don't come off like a total insult to the game. Especially if you're trying to justify the whole gender barrier/bias thing. PAM FREAKIN' WARD must have been too busy on Friday watching Days of Our Lives or the WNBA to actually take a glance at our roster. I think I heard her call Calvin Bell's name a few times here and there. Tackle by David Harris. Touchdown run by Marquise Walker. Of course I'm just making these up, but she deserves it. Try announcing Martavious... try learning that McGuffie is white and on the sideline. Sheesh.
5. Please, could you spend a little more time describing the action ON THE FIELD than READING THE SCOREBOARD?? If I wanted to hear the score every 2nd down, I'd just look up to the top of the screen. All she really does is rattle off stats and numbers that are ALREADY AVAILABLE to the viewer. And why??? Because she obviously, and regrettably, has NOTHING TO ADD. NOTHING TO OFFER. Nothing about when she was quarterback at Purdue in 1961. Nothing about when she was coach at Jersey City State. Nothing even remotely to offer other than what the above-average football watching American can gather on his or her own. Nothing.
So we're stuck with this... at least until we start winning big and Brad Nessler and the rest start getting sent back to Ann Arbor. Hell, I'll even be satisfied with CHRIS FREAKIN' SPIELMAN at this point. One thing I kept thinking about on Saturday-- could you imagine what it's like to be stuck with this poop all the time??? How utterly toxic it must be for Northwestern fans to be told that their team is wearing purple 376 times a week?? How maniacally unfair it must be for Hoosier fans to be told it is 3rd and 11 because the line of scrimmage is eleven yards up the field?? Damn, at that point bring on the Big 10 network!
Long story short-- let's hope our boys turn it around next year, if only for more adequate playcalling!!!! I mean REALLY, ESPN--
AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN PAM FREAKIN' WARD.
That is all. God Bless America. GO BLUE.
I wouldn't fuck Pam Ward with Condaleeza Rice's dick.
I realize she's a sideline reporter but our game having only a 2-man (pun intended) crew, with no SL reporter shows you how little ESPN thought of the match-up. Maybe The Deuce was already booked with OSU/NW but I was amazed the always riveting Battle For the Lil B Jug was even on the Worldwide Leader In Sports.
Wow you are like a not funny version of "insert comdeian's name here or anyone for that matter". Everyone already knows that women should not be allowed to report at football games unless Joe Namath wants to makeout with them.
You should read Awful Announcing.
They too rip Pam Ward apart, but in a funnier, more interesting way.
Very funny stuff. Thanks for the link.
"Pam Ward is like third rate dental work-- when you can't get anything else you're forced to take her or suffer."
In lieu of an imminent win for Michigan, all she could say was "Minnesota's offense didn't show up today." or something to that effect. Does she ever have anything positive to say? About Michigan?
EDIT: for my friend the paragraph
I thought this was kinda funny:
”for the oldest rivalry trophy you have to go out west for the territorial cup between arizona and arizona state. they’ve been playing for it since 1899…no, i won’t say that john mccain was there for the first game, but it was tempting." - Pam Ward.
I thought the woman that announced the Toledo game on BTN was worse. I actually turned the volume off for that one or went and played Ben10 with my cousin so that I didn't have to listen to her. Any one know who that was?
....the BTN's top team of Thom Brennanman and Charles Davis did the Toledo game......i'd rewatch it, to double check, but its not that important of an issue to put myself through that.
Anyway, all the college football I watch, Ward is the only female out there doing play by play.
Maybe I am thinking of another game on ESPN that had her...
to Brent Musberger.
News flash: This game was destination watching only for devoted Michigan fans. The announcers work from the assumption that people are going to be dropping in and out as other games hit halftime, end, whatever. So, they'll be doing things to keep new arrivals engaged and watching their commercials.
under coach carr this would have been a 22-20 win/ possibly loss. i consider this a great win- hold then to 2 field goals (should have been one).
I too was struck with a sense of sadness when I realized that Pam Ward was broadcasting the game. For years I laughed because MSU was always stuck with her, the shoe is now on the other foot. It sucks.
If I had to hear about Eric Decker's fricking boot one more time.. holy cow.. I was ready to break the speakers on the tv.
Dvr'd the Game (doing plumbing work) Only had to listen to her during the live play. It was incredable.
I can't wait to get Game Day back on campus. Its been too long.
I can ignore Pam Ward. I cannot ignore Speilman. I despise him like no other. Whoever was doing the color with Ward was god-awful too. Danielson is just an arrogant prick who should be kicked in the teeth. He described Julio Jones running a fly route as "fun to watch" because he slowed down, then sped up and didn't make the catch. Danielson=Bitch Version of Speilman=Failure=Nick Sheridan=DEATH.
= Urge to kill... rising!
I just put the TV on mute and turned on the radio for Brandy and Beckmann, even though they announced what happened each play before it happened on the screen. It was still way better than being subjected to Pam "Balls" Ward.
Six Zero, you nailed this topic. I too cringed when I saw she was calling the game. Misogynist commentary aside, the thing that is so frustrating is the lack of preparation.
To wit: on the Zoltan keeper, it was obvious that they had not seen this play run earlier this year. It was obvious that they had not heard or read RichRod's comments that part of the reason for the roll-out was to give Zoltan the option given the right formation/down/distance.
Another example, the number of times the color guy called Matthews "Odoms" indicated that the only reciever they had bothered to review at *all* was Odoms.
Plus their spotter must have been a dyslexic narcoleptic because he was completely useless as well. It is hard for me to believe that that guy has learned his numbers yet.
To conclude, however, YES, it was better than listening to Musberger.
with the Home Shopping Network playing in the background.
Pam Ward is awesome. Por ejemplo,
1. Pam Ward
2. Nick Sheridan
I'd hit it
What do you expect when you're 2-7? Keith Jackson and Al Michaels? And by the way, what's the best thing about being 2-7? Also, what's this crap about next year? Doesn't Michigan have Ohio State looming on the schedule? I always thought that game was more important than the season itself. Beat Ohio State and it erases all other losses...or that's what I always believed. Where is the Michagan pride that I have heard so much about? Come on boys, fill yer boots, there is still work to be done. Don't be quitters, even if there is practically no chance that Michigan will prevent the Buckeyes from winning for the fifth straight year. There still might be some chance, maybe.