Tressel’s tragic childhood*

Part one, the sweatervest kidnapping

As a kid, Tressel was kidnapped once. He was standing in front of his schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up. And two guys get out, and they say to him, does he wanna go away with them to a land, where everybody is fairies and elves, and he can have all the comic books he wants and chocolate and wax lips and dress up in vests. And he said "yes", and he got into the car with them, 'cause he figured, "What the hell", he was home that week-end from college anyhow,

Part 2, the agony of his parents

The kidnappers drive him off, and they sent a ransom note to his parents. And his father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, and he read half of it, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out.

Meanwhile they take him to Toledo, bound and gagged, and his parents finally realize that he's kidnapped. They snap into action immediately: they rent out his room.

Part 3, the final conflict

The ransom note says for his father to leave a thousand dollars in a statue of Woody Hayes in Columbus. He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying Woody.

The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out,", they say, "give us your guns, and come out with your hands up."

The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."

The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."

The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get to our car."

The FBI says "Keep the kid."

The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Carmen—well, actually the death scene that inspired Carmen Ohio, the Buckeye’s oldest school song, which was composed on a train ride home from Ann Arbor, after OSU suffered an 86-0 loss to the Wolverines.

Tearstricken, his abducters give themselves up. They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chaingang, and they escape, in 4 groups of 6 each chained together at the ankle.  They get by the guards posing as two immense letter O’s followed by the letters “H” and “I”, spelling O-O-H-I, and inspiring OSU marching band later to re-enact this scene at each game.

*(as once told to me by a source who wishes to remain anonymous and spends his spare time plagiarizing Woody Allen night club routines).