Top 13 Sprays for National Title Contenders

I really wasn't planning on writing two diaries within the same month, let alone within the same 24 hour period.  But, in honor of the unfolding story in Tuscaloosa, I have prepared a list of my Top 13 Sprays for National Championship Contenders.  I hope you dig it.  

13. The Amazing Oregon Spray-on Uniform: this product combines all sixteen of your team’s colors into one convenient bottle of spray-on uniform.  The different hues emerge randomly from the bottle during the application process, guaranteeing that your uniform never looks the same twice!  Get yours now!

12. Just for GERG: When you’re giving up 450 yards per game, you can’t afford not to have the perfect hair.  That’s why you need Just for GERG.  A couple squirts per day will keep the foxy in that brilliant silvery mane.  Get Just for GERG, and tell that offense: “you may score 60 points today, but you can’t take the hair away.”

11. Princess Leia Hologram Spray: Hold the spray nozzle down, and this spray bottle will project an image of the Rebel leader pleading, “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”  Order yours right away, because you must learn the force if you’re to come with me to Alderran.

10. Zingerman’s No. 2: Because the only thing better than eating a Binny’s Brooklyn Rueben is smelling like one too!  (And look for Dave’s Open Road this summer!)

9. Fruehauf Mudflap Spray: Feeling down because that fourth DUI is keeping you off the road?  Snuff just not enough anymore?  Striking out at the bowling alley? Just apply a few squirts of the original Fruehauf Mudflap Spray, and kickstart your redneck.  (Use only as directed; recommended for Buckeyes only).

8. Charlie Sheen’s Aerosol Cocaine:  One word—winning.  But you knew that already.

7. Pam: “Terrific for cooking, even better for NCAA investigations!” – Ohio State A.D. Gene Smith

6. Gandalf’s Anti-Balrog Spray:  Nothing distracts from a mythical national championship run like having to battle an ancient demon on a Dwarven stone-bridge spanning a bottomless chasm in an abandoned undermountain mine.  That’s why no FBS title contender should be without a bottle of Gandalf’s Anti-Balrog Spray.  Order yours today!

5. Nick Saban’s Medically Unfit to Perform Spray: Some pesky junior not living up to his 4-star recruiting ranking?  Some bookworm sophomore thinking he came to play school instead of the pigskins?  Need to make room for that signing day surprise?  Just try Nick Saban’s Medically Unfit to Perform Spray.  A couple shots of this to a knee, a back, or even a shoulder can have your playa non grata going pro in something other than sports faster than you can say “medical scholarship.”  Don’t build a college football dynasty without it.

4. Pure Dilithium:  Apply directly to feet.  Warning: do not tie shoelaces! 

3. Kate Upton Dancing .gif Spray: Advanced technology allows you to literally spray one of Kate’s spicy .gifs directly onto any surface.  Got a boring basement?  Kate!  Need to jazz-up that old garage?  Kate!  Want to tag that passing freight train?  Kate!  Hurry now while supplies last. 

2. Tloy Willfork’s Name Obfuscation Spray: Trying to enjoy a romantic weekend with your (real, living, non-internet) girlfriend without being bothered by autograph seeking kids?  Tired of BTN studio jive turkeys acting like they know your business?  Got a big mouth and don’t trust yourself with that Twitter account you just opened?  That’s when you need Tloy Willfork’s Name Obfuscation Spray.  “Hey, aren’t you—“ {squirt, squirt} “—oh, I’m sorry.  My mistake.”  Yup.

1. Marques Slocum’s Fuck Lion Spray: da realest shit dere iz, yo.  Carla approved.