to play football, not to play trumpet
1) Despite heavy fan resistance, advertising will enter the Big House after David Brandon agrees to let a Domino's Pizza operate in the north endzone.
2) Citing the commitment of a moon rock, Michigan State will point to its new found focus on intergalactic recruiting.
3) Tate Forcier will finally manage to get his act together at SJSU. Unfortunately, his act will consist entirely of shop lifting and smoking Black and Milds.
4) Mike Martin will win this year's Royal Rumble in dramatic fashion after he flips Sgt. Slaughter over the top rope.
5) NCAA investigators will begin sniffing around Minnesota's football program after they suspiciously manage to win 5 games.
6) The Big Ten will shock the world when they announce that National Taiwan University will be its 13th member starting in the 2014 season.
7) Realizing they are losing an arms race, Nebraska will begin airing ads on the Big Ten Network in mid-October touting their University as a place where robots are built, breakthroughs in prosthetic limb engineering achieved, third world energy crisis solved, and the spirit of the students, faculty, and staff are embodied in its many Division 1 athletic endeavors.
8) After euro-zone troubles send the Dow tumbling and the price of gold past $2000/oz, David Brandon will buckle and sell Denard Robinson to a group of Saudi investors.
9) Will Campbell will finally emerge as force to be reckoned with. He will destroy records previously thought untouchable and leave a champion. All of this will take place at Mongolian Barbeque next Wednesday afternoon.
10) Ohio State will win the Leaders division and square off against Nebraska in the inaugural Big Ten Championship game. However, they will be forced to take the field as Wisconsin after it's discovered that the players have sold off every last one of their uniforms to Jeb Huntley of Sylvania, OH.
-Renaldo Sagesse will be kicked off the team for violating the Athletic Department’s strict “Avoid the Noid” policy.
-In an attempt to further make their presence felt in the state of Michigan, Mark Dantonio’s Michigan State Spartans will defect from the Big Ten to the MHSAA’s Genesee Area Conference.
-Two days after being kidnapped by Eric Lindros for the weekend, Demetrius Hart will commit to York University.
-In order to chase his political dreams, David Brandon will announce his retirement at the end of the year. His replacement will be La-Van Hawkins.
-Michigan’s patchwork secondary will prove highly serviceable. This prediction is based on nothing whatsoever.
-By the middle of Big Ten play, Michigan’s football team will have morphed into nothing more than a platform to promote Domino’s sensational new pasta bowls.
-That cherished victory against OSU will come this season. Oregon will annihilate Oregon State 45-17.
-The BCS will once again be embroiled in controversy when the season finishes with Ohio State ranked number 1 in the Coach’s Poll, Alabama ranked number 1 in the AP Poll, and Iowa ranked number 1 in the penal system.
-After he is named a First Team All-American at year’s end, Mike Martin will declare for the WWE draft.
-Michigan will finish the season 13-0 and capture their first national championship since 1997. Sadly, this historic run will be lost on future generations when my Playstation’s memory card becomes corrupted.
Well M fans, it's that time of year again. An army of rowdy, religious zealots is set to invade Ann Arbor, and hopefully, this time, they won't leave behind a law school!
That's right, it's Fightin' Irish week! Perennial national power Notre Dame comes to town along with their genius coach Charlie Weiss to take on the Big Blue.
M Passing Offense vs. ND Passing Defense
Ryan "Tate" Mallett and Donelle "The Shoe" Robson maybe the talk of the town, but give me the poise and gritty determination of veteran Nick Sheridan any day. Maybe if he comes up with a clever nickname for himself, he'll start getting more buzz!
M Rushing Offense vs. ND Rushing Defense
Jon Tenuta may not really be Catholic, but that won't stop him from looking the other way while his players attempt to molest, fondle, and castrate our runners!
ND Passing Offense vs. M Passing Defense
Jimmy Clausen will look to hook up with targets Golden Taint and Michael Floyd all afternoon. Expect the All American QB, who is chasing his record third Heisman in a row, to have a big day.
ND Rushing Offense vs. M Rushing Defense
Mike "Mike Martin" Rechsteiner is thus far doing an excellent job living up to the legacy left on campus by older brothers Rick and Scott. Expect him to execute a few signature Frankensteiners on Clausen this week!
You'll see a lot of pasty faced, flat chested women around town. But don't worry, they'll all be gone by Saturday Night! 38-0 Michigan!
PS - Domers, fear not. If you're planning on making the trip to Ann Arbor (A2 as we call it!) you'll be welcome with open arms! Just be sure to stop by Blimpy Hamburger (where the motto is "Cheaper Than Food"!?!) and a little, out of the way gem known around here as Briarwood Mall. The cookies at local favorite Mrs. Fields are just wild!
Quarterbacks:5/5 - The question on everyone's mind in Ann Arbor these days (aside from 'What's the best sandwich at Zangerstein's?') is, "Who in the world is playing quarterback?" Thrillhouse Productions is sticking with it's summertime prediction - Roland "Tate" Forseeair. Remember, you heard it here first!
Running Backs:5/5 -Brandon Minor looks to build on last year's success as he leads a group of talented tailbacks. Big Blue Nation hasn't been this excited about their starting RB since the days of Tyrone Willingham.
Receivers:5/5 - Rich Rodriguez likes referring to his wide receivers as the X, Y, and Z. He can call them whatever he wants just as long as they A, B, C their way to endzone!
Offensive Line:5/5 - Stuart Schiller and Co. are lean, mean, and ready to pin all comers to the ground. And this is what I learned just while hiding in the team shower!
Defensive Line:5/5 - There hasn't been as fearsome a fella in Ann Arbor as Big Willard Campbell since Anne Coulter was stalking through the quadrangle!
Linebackers:5/5 - Last year's starters have been replaced by three mysterious guys calling themselves Mike, Will, and Sam. How Madonna!
Defensive Backs:5/5 - You can hear the whispers and feel the excitement in Ann Arbor - this is finally the year Stevie Brown breaks out! Thrillhouse Productions agrees!
As the Wolverines continue to learn Rich Rodriguez's system, fans of the Big Blue Nation in Ann Arbor can expect big things this year. Last year's 3-9 record is a thing of the past. Thrillhouse productions sees the Big Blue Wolverines finishing no worse than 11-0!