That was an excellent effort. Seriously, I commend you for it. But, uh, no.
The Six Zero UM Mascot Proposal
So, I'm elaborating on my initial post in MGoShoe's original thread about the Detroit News Mascot Contest. I've got an idea and it appears that this thing has some legs, and so I quickly knocked out a five-minute visual to help sell the idea to Brandon. Call me DB.
(The following rehashes and/or elaborates on much of what I said earlier)
I had multiple people ask if I was going to submit something for their contest, but things have been pretty busy on my end. More on that next month. BUT I did think about it, and I was torn between the 'ferocious wolverine' concept, as we saw in the News' winning entry (and I think looks pretty good, all things considered), and something else, which I'll affectionately name:
THE OVERLY ENTITLED
Our mascot should be successful and he should know it. Perhaps he's got on a smoking jacket, or better yet, an overpriced fitted polo oxford with $150 jeans and a sweet pair of doc martens. He should sport a well-groomed unshaven look and a pair of rimless glasses that he will only take off to properly look down upon the Purdue Pete's and Bucky the Badgers of the world. He will always have it all put together and will be effortlessly in shape, never flaunting the ridiculous six pack that Herky the Hawkeye knows is just one layer of business casual away.
He should smell like a swanky Fortune 500 corner office and an exotic fruit you've never heard of all at once. He's not so much Facebook as he is LinkedIn, and even then he's a premium member at that who always seems to be too busy to add any contacts. Girls will always know when he enters the room, and their boyfriends will hate him for it. He'll be that guy who's already seen the movie you bring up in conversation, and will recommend an independent film that's far better. He'll tell jokes that make you laugh harder than you knew you could, and yet he'll be more interested in talking about world events.
He'll be that guy that buys really good coffee. The kind that tastes even better than it smells.
And even as he's leading the team onto the field, he should be cutting consultant deals on his smartphone AND playing plants vs. zombies at the same time. And throughout the game he'll be far too busy discussing microbrews with the hottest adjacent cheerleader to even care that he's been named "Biff."
In short, the new mascot should be a d**k that all of the other mascots hate, and yet also desperately wish they were.
He will give the Nittany Lion the perfect compliment on his striped scarf, and the Lion's insecurities will turn it into the most humiliating insult the Lion has ever heard. The Golden Gopher will constantly ask our mascot to have his picture taken with him, and when he finally does it will become his Facebook avatar in less than three minutes. Oddly enough, the Northwestern wildcat will be one of his buds. And for Brutus the Buckeye, he will be fear personified. Brutus will have a manic and hateful obsession with him, and he'll spend far too many Friday nights in Columbus trying to perfect the perfect Biff google search.
He is Biff, and he is THE MAN.
He will give the Nittany Lion the perfect compliment on his striped scarf, and the Lion's insecurities will turn it into the most humiliating insult the Lion has ever heard. The Golden Gopher will constantly ask our mascot to have his picture taken with him, and when he finally does it will become his Facebook avatar in less than three minutes. Oddly enough, the Northwestern wildcat will be one of his buds. And for Brutus the Buckeye, he will be fear personified. Brutus will not sleep well when he thinks of the Wolverine, and he will have a manic and hateful obsession with him.
I know. I don't really want this. It's just Friday.
You might want to flip on your sarcasm detector.
I dont know what I would do at work on Friday without this site. My favorite part was the piece about him walking into a room, all the girls noticing, and their boyfriends hating him for it.
May I add that he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Sacred Cow?
It reminds me of the rejected "Hotty Toddy" fratstar mascot idea from Ole Miss in wolverine form... I like it, but a wolverine form of the "Pursuit of Jappiness" guys would be more accurate at Michigan. He should obviously live in Zaragon, brunch at Angelo's, and party at Rick's. Don't forget to give him a BMW to go with the BBM, HALOL :)
Raybans, North Face, Uggs? Mich jersey, also wearing leggings? Abercrombie v-neck tee?
He'll definitely need a North Face jacket. Maybe he can pull off the corduroy jacket look too, as occasion permits. Uggs would be pretty damn funny. I know a Michigan engineer (male) who wears Uggs in public.
I'm assuming you've seen the video? If not, it's damn funny. They go through those clothing options I mentioned.
Also, I have Uggs, but I don't wear them like the girls do, obviously.
That post sums up a lot of shit... both good and bad. Nice effort
Yeah, this was the only egregious error I found in the post. Doc Martens are like 90s, man. Arrogant Wolverine should be wearing rainbows or boat shoes in the summer and either wallabees or loafers in the winter (in my humble opinion, unless we're going with a LI Til I Die Arrogant Wolverine, then we get some lowtop colored Air Force Ones).
Regardless, awesome post. Very funny and I honestly think Arrogant Wolverine would be a fair representation of our fanbase. I'd much rather have this guy than pretty much anything I've seen.
He should wear Red Wings...or does Wolverine make anything other than work boots?
i noticed that as well. it's like the "scrunchie" reference in berger's book in that one sex and the city episode.
um, not that i watch sex and the city.. ha.. i mean, come on, guys...
This is beautiful, I already love/fear/hate/envy him.
If he drinks really good coffee, he must drink "Kopi Luwack". I am disgusted and yet want to be the man like Biff. Do you think I could feed Maxwell House to my dog and follow him around with a baggy?
come on now... doc martens are so 90's!
These days I'm a Born man myself...
he doesnt watch TV Much but is a fan of Glee doesnt drink beer but when he does......
This is almost word for word how my eHarmony profile reads.
the most interesting Wolverine in the world.
Excellent post. It fits great with the 'Michigan Fan snobbery' pe.rception (and reality in some cases). My laughter woke me up enough to get back to work
...which was a lot of money at that time.
Pure satire genius.
However, as I read this, I could hear some guy with a marketing degree in Brandon’s office screaming “YES! This will perfect the brand! We can cut deals with designers to see what clothes he wears.”
So yeah, this was perfect for Friday. Just don’t let anyone from the Athletic Department see it.
Shouldn't he be wearing a Dhani Jones Michigan Bowtie?
Great stuff Six Zero. One of the more entertaining things I've read in a while.
Can Biff give me advice about that "well-groomed unshaven look", Six Zero?
to The Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials.