That is one of the finest examples of backhanded compliments Ive ever seen. I love this, oh so funny. Should get Diary of the Week!
Profiles in integrity, grace, and charity: A heartfelt "thank you" to our friends from East Lansing
Those of us living near Lansing know the joys of being among Spartans, and with this being MSU week, I feel a duty to share those joys with anyone who might be unfamiliar. These people bring sunshine to our lives, and we would be remiss if we didn’t communicate our appreciation before this silly little game.
Michigan State athletics programs have become pioneers in 21st-century teambuilding. Concerned about the rapid decline of face-to-face contact, MSU athletes have repeatedly come together, in large groups, to contact the faces of their fellow athletes and classmates.
Spartans are known to generously extend a hand to those in need. They’ve developed a prison-to-work program seen by many as a model for how to reduce to an absolute minimum the time between prison and work. Their athletic director moonlights as a volunteer career counselor and their football coach as a public speaking coach, offering their time even to supposed athletic rivals. When one of their neighbors could use help just stretching his neck, scratching his eye, massaging his arm, or bludgeoning his face, a Spartan is always there to assist.
Sportsmanship is always the Spartan’s highest priority. When an opposing player gets hurt, MSU students come together to let that player know that he is as beloved and cherished as a sweet family pet. If a fan, who’s totally a CMU grad or something, gets unruly, the community reins him in immediately, nobly protecting our great-great-great-grandmothers along the way. The head basketball coach once even sat out a game in honor of NCAA rules.
A Spartan is green at his core, concerned about the environmental dangers of letting too many sofas eventually reach our landfills. He understands the medical importance of concussion research and bravely puts his student-athlete in harm’s way just so the rest of us can see what happens. He advocates for the consumer who is so often trampled upon by uncaring corporations. He even protects college athletics from the unsavory members of society by constantly reminding us that the only people entitled to enjoy college sports are those with college degrees.
So to all of the Michigan fans out there, please, if you have an opportunity to thank a Spartan this week, do it. The world just wouldn’t be the same without them.
Math is very important there, even if the professor is naked.
This is fantastic. I award you +1 Internets.
I say, we start the "Spartan Award for Community and Citizenship".
... its a nice first try but I think we can spiff it up a bit. How about the Spartan Citation for Union and Manumission?
There. That looks about right.
One stop shopping as it were.
Fine use of verbage
And let's don't forget how their former starting quarterback cares deeply about how rivals relax and spend their downtime.:
A lot of people think that harping on Sparty for thuggery is redundant, but when so many of their sins are so expertly juxtaposed, it becomes obvious that it's not the messenger who is redundant, but the generally low-class behavior that constitutes the message.
I can just see those mouth-breathers over on the RCMB reading this with a perplexed look on their face. "Uhhh....what is this scUM fan trying to say about us?"
This is tremendous. I'm not really one to play into the "hatery" (new word) but this is extremely well done.
Plus, I know there have been times that I could use a good face bludgeoning and didn't have a neighbor around to help. Its nice to know that, if necessary, I can make a trip there to Lansing for some, dare I say, free treatment.
They have developed state-of-the-art technology in detecting concussions. A device that appears similar to a wide-brimmed straw hat is able to rule out concussions or concussion-like syndromes even after a player has been rendered unconscious for several seconds. Electrodes extending from near the patient's temples, to a laptop computer operated by Defensive Coordinator Pat Narduzzi, provide conclusive neurological data that allows the Spartan staff to place player safety first, and unnecessary roughness, uh, first:
for some Def Leppard. Do you think we could get Special-K to play "Pour some sugar on me" this weekend?
Clearly, sir, you didn't read the post very carefully. I said only the most complimentary things about you and your fellow Spartans.
wonder why everyone's so quiet over there?
and believe me I'm just spitballing here, it may have something to do with the fact that their football team makes a dumpster fire look good.
...who are connoisseurs of a good dumpster fire.