also duty-free guys falling over and grabbing their shins
No Santa Claus
Well that sucked. I feel like a kid who just found out that Santa Claus isn't real....
I was opening up my gifts last weekend and I wasn't very excited. The first gift I opened was fruity
Christmas sweater and some of those slipper socks with the tread on the
bottom. The next gift, an ant farm. The next gift, a pet rock. I check
my stocking, a lump of coal. The next gift, a Detroit Lions sweatshirt
that is 3 sizes too small. Detroit Lions? Really Santa? And just as I
was about to point my middle finger towards the north pole, I see three
more presents behind the tree. The first one, my first 10-speed
Mongoose bike. SWEET. The second one, Tecmo Super Bowl. YES. The last
one, a brand new Red Rider BB gun. YOU FUCKING ROCK SANTA!
I ride around my neighborhood all week on my jazzy new Mongoose while
picking off any squirell that dare cross a power line under my watch.
Needless to say, I am jacked up from all of the Maize and Blue kool-aid
I had been drinking all week. So this weekend I wake up early and hurry
downstairs to see what kind of presents await me. What the hell is
this. All I see is a card. Alright, maybe it is a hundred dollar bill
or a gift card to Toys R US. I open it up, "Merry Christmas Sweetie!
Love, Mom and Dad." I run upstairs, "Mom, what the hell is going on." I
receive the earth shattering news that Santa is an imaginary character.
I also receive the news that the Tooth Ferry, Easter Bunny, and Jesus
are cut from the same cloth...but who cares, these assholes haven't
ever done shit for me. But Santa? I had become a strong believer
through just 3 gifts, but these gifts were the bomb, so I had to
believe, right? Now this week it has all come crashing down, now I
don't know what to believe. Flying Spaghetti Monster?
spectacular 2nd half come back against Wiscy left me with all the
confidence in the world that we could compete this year. And then we
come out blazing at the Big House against the Illini and my confidence
is confirmed, we really can compete for the Big Ten. Don't get me
wrong, I never thought we would win the Big Ten, but I did think that
we had a chance, a small chance, but a chance.... Not so much. Steven
Threet made me cringe and pray that John Navarre was coming out of the
locker room. The defense was Swiss cheese, allowing Illinois to score
at will... Paris Hilton thought we were easy. And then Minor, a guy I
have been lobbying for to get more carries, gets in the game and
fumbles on his first touch...Tiki Barber holds onto the ball better
than you. And now we are back to square one. We might not win one more
game in conference and the consecutive bowl streak is at serious risk.
Damn you Reality!