TO THE HOT TAKE CANNON
Here we are, on the eve of the game. And while we hate Ohio (State) with every fiber of our beings, that does not change the fact that many of us have misguided friends or loved ones who cheer for the Buckeyes. Obviously, dealing with these people will be easier this holiday season after a victory, but you will still have to see them. So with only 30 shopping days left until Christmas, I have setup an Etsy account to peddle cheaply made crap that you can give to your cousin's dick husband instead of the usual forties of Camo or Skoal variety packs.
As always with Etsy, each product is handmade with found materials (from in my neighbors' garbage), so quantities are limited and are priced accordingly.
Jim Tressel Angel Tree Topper
Bask in the glow of a tragic hero. Wonder at his pureness as he gazes down upon his Christmas kingdom.
Two AA batteries not included.
Terrelle Pryor Doily Angel
This is a charming small angel, about twelve inches across, that attaches nicely to a window with a small suction cup hook. It's slimness is convenient because it does not interfere with closing blinds or curtains. Light enough to be hung on a mirror for an unexpected seasonal touch. At first glance, it appears to be a large intricate doily cut from paper. That is the first impression when hung on a window and viewing it from outside. Folding the paper angel's wings forward gives a feeling of motion. This would make a great seasonal decoration for any window. Please contact me if you need a quantity.
Small suction cup not included.
$47.98 USD (Bulk Discounts available)
"TatGate: Redemption" 10 Piece Nativity Set
Celebrate in your own way, this wondrous event that is about to occur before our very eyes. Our "TatGate: Redemption" nativity set feature finely crafted figurines, with rich colors and detailed expressions. They are a pleasure to behold and a joy to own. The high quality of these figurines ensure that they will be a family keepsake for generations to come.
- 1 Terrelle Pryor Shepherd Boy
- 1 Virgin Jim Tressel
- 1 Devier Posey (Delivering frankincense)
- 1 Boom Herron (Delivering myrrh)
- 1 Mike Adams with realistic bewildered action
- 1 Diper Dandy Savior Braxton Miller
- 1 Urban Meyer as the wisest king of all
3 sheep representing
- NCAA Investigators
- OSU Compliance
- All of Buckeye Nation
THIS IS A ONE OF A KIND ITEM, NEVER TO BE REPRODUCED.
$10,000+ USD (Though might be willing to barter for the right amount of autographed memorabilia, used football equipment, rounds of golf and no less than 7 heavily-discounted and/or free loaner cars.)
Author's note: This started out as a response to Boyz n da Pahokee's 'Monster Saturday' Hype Video, but it quickly expanded into something that might have a bit more value. Given the democratization of video production thanks to cheap HD handi-cams, somewhat usable OS-baked-in edit software and free distribution channels like YouTube and Vimeo, web video has exploded lately. This season has seen an up-tick of user-generated media, so I hope this will be useful for the rest of the season.
Hello all, I am professor MGauxBleu. You may remember me from such ironic-kitsch, sadly-relevant and oft front-paged photoshop collages such as Never Forget:
If my computer hadn't exploded, I would have added Van Slyke and Vlad the Transferor to this by now...
Or sadly-derivative DB Hope poster featuring a pseudo-defensive Kelvin Grady:
I am here to transmit some of my film school learnings to the MGoMasses. I am going to make some suggestion for all you future hype video editors. Believe it or not, the moving picture has its own language. This primarily affects editing, which really is the most important aspect of putting a video/movie/film together. If you were shooting your own footage, then the same rules would apply as you plan your shot composition as well as editing. If you are just grabbing other footage, apply these rules to your initial selection of said footage. Follow these rules and people will be psychologically sucked into your video, regardless of what else is going on [though your content will still determine the final impact]. Breaking these rules is what makes "lo-budget" seem crappy.Trust me, your audience will have no idea why they feel the way the do, but the effect is real. We say cinematic language for two reasons: 1) we like to think about "reading a film" just to sound pretentious and 2) because these rules and their use really mimic grammar usage.
Note about the videos: I did not make this video, just citing mgvideo's latest offering. I have tried to queue each video to the right time, but keyframes are a bitch. Just watch the shot I am referencing then pause when the shot changes. No need to watch that whole video a bunch of times.
Screen direction: If you are cutting for a left-to-right reading audience, put things you like—Michigan—on the left side of the screen facing the right. Put things you don't like—opponents, priests, Freakbass—on the right facing left. Hollywood always does this, so that is one of the reasons why you always know who the bad guy is in a movie even from his first shot.
My suggestion: Pick shots of Michigan players moving from left to right, or framed screen left. For drives, Michigan moving left-to-right. Opposite for the opposition. This is a quick rule because then the networks will do your job for you—they will instictually compose shots that look good and follow the rules.
It is composition, not his strange outlook on contraception, that make Jesus so foreboding in this shot.
DRob is heroic, even in warm-ups.
Screen direction, part 2: Things that move from top-to-bottom or left-to-right feel natural and good. Things that move from bottom-to-top or right-to-left feel unnatural and introduce tension. Michigan driving left-to-right, or TRob streaking from top-left to bottom-right = inevitable huge play. Michigan driving right-to-left, or player cutting upwards through the frame is tense; you are not sure if how this is going to turn out but it seems bad.
My suggestion: This is pretty much the same rule as above, but I wanted to emphasize motion through the frame differently. Bonus: A sack will seem extra crushing coming from the left, especially the top.
Aside: if your audience is based in right-to-left reading—Yiddish, for example—or top-to-bottom—Japanese—adjust the above two rules accordingly. Again, things that mimic reading eye motion feel easy and natural; the opposite direction feels difficult and creates tension. Gravity, being universal, means that downward motion = good/easy, upward = bad/hard/tense.
Aside 2: I don't recommend it, but if you super careful, you can "flop" a shot, flip it so that something that is on the right side is switched to the left. Short shots are probably fine, and this isn't up for an academy award, so take my caution with a grain of salt. However, since I am anal and aesthetically sensitive, I would never ever everflop an iconic shot. If people have seen it a million times they will know when it doesn't look right. It will create unease, which likely was the opposite of what you wanted.
Obvious TRob HUGE PLAY
Literally running down hill.
Think Tay scores here?
Nope. A very "tough" play where he guts out every yard.
Graphical matches: If you can effectively cut adjacent shots so that a line can be drawn naturally from your main subject in shot A to main subject in shot B, your audience will jump into the second shot more quickly. Quick is important because we are talking about montages full of short clips; any time trying to "decode" the shot is time not spent getting the point of why you included it.
Add this rule to 2 above to get cut-on-action. Edits tend to be less visible if the audience has something in motion to follow from shot A into shot B. In narrative, this often means that you transition from outside a space inside by cutting at the mid-point of the entrance, showing a little motion in each shot. But this action needs to match graphically to be fully effective.
My suggestion: Perhaps ignore this initially. It is less obvious and harder to convey in text than the other points, but logically, it fits here in the order I am presenting. If you master everything else, watch your cut with this in mind and see if it "feels right" or not. If not, something might be strange about how your eye transitions between shots.
Color: Good guy is in white, bad guys in black. This rule has some very famous exceptions, but that too has a message. Dirty Harry, while technically the hero, is not a good person. He can be in black all he wants once it is established that he is the protagonist (in this case, just being played by Clint Eastwood is establishment enough.) Consistency is probably more important here than sticking with the light = good, dark = bad. More about that below.
My (very light) suggestion: Michigan in road whites when possible, opponents in home darks.
Time to molest the boys!
Consistency: Once you have established one of the above, or even other conventions, try to stick with it. If both teams have similar colors, then flip-flopping their home and roads will make it harder to follow along. As mentioned above, your shots will likely be so brief that your audience will spend too long trying to figure who they are watching without getting enough time to figure out what you are trying to convey. The obvious X factor in football hype vids are the helmets. Most of the time helmets will be unique by team, but also each team will always be wearing the same ones.
My suggestion: If you feel like you have some momentum early in your piece, stick with it. Your vid will build and your audience will stay engaged. If you happen to be an Oregon fan, good fucking luck. Twenty-five million uniform combinations are not your friends, though, you can take solace in the fact that your team will always be the worst looking one in the video. I guess that counts for consistency...
Break the rules: If you had all the resources in the world, you could follow this to a T. However, that isn't going to happen. So, do what you have to. That ridiculous one-handed Woodson pick in East Lansing is iconic and will work no matter how many rules it may seem to break. Additionally, if I were cutting a hype video for OSU week, I would probably keep UM in home darks and and have OSU in white. We want to be hard in that game and the dark will keep the edge on. Further, OSU's red unis say a lot—blood, violence, even some regal tones. These are not things I want establishing about OSU. Additionally, Brandon Graham, Woodley, guys like that are dangerous, murderous battering rams of death in my videos. They would always be in dark blue if I could help it.
There are some other basic things I could cover here, and some slightly more advanced stuff, but I think that this is enough for now. One "tip" that I have not included is: HAVE A DAMN POINT. This is not a tip, it is a must. Every video should have a story line. ESPN's actual game coverage is master of this, even if it is annoying. For ND and OSU the storyline is obvious: HATE. For MSU, I would focus on the fact that they are clown shoes. Other teams may have less historic stories, so you may focus on one element of the game. For instance, god forbid Denard go down at some point, you could cut a video of the likely starter to emphasize that the game rests on said player. If John Clay is averaging 225 YPG coming in, I would focus on him being a beast and us destroying ball carriers to setup that as the most important question of the day: Monster world crushing running back or our run defense, who will come out on top?
If you are thinking of trying your hand at a hype video, watch the 96 tiny vignettes that the networks put together before and during the game. The canned pre-game ones tend to focus on what ever ESPN has been hyping all week/season [Tebow]. In game ones tend to be game recaps. Even if they aren't showing every big play of the game, the will tend to represent the essence. If it is a whooping, expect the team coverage to be one-sided. It will be a little more even if it is a dog fight.
We know that we have been dealt a tough hand regarding the secondary: denied admissions, early entries, transfers and strikes-down from upon high. Yes this is all hard to handle, mostly because we are dealing with it all simultaneously. Yet, we all need to move on, play on and dream on. Is this an ideal situation? No, but our team needs us, and us them. So how do we move past all this: grieve and catharsis.
As such, I have created a work of art to help us understand this difficult situation (grieve), pour out our emotions (catharsis) and move on to support a young and important position group in this, a pivotal year for our beloved and historic program.
Take your moment of silence, feel free to cry, do whatever you need. For those less intimately familiar with the program and its struggles, I have made this handy key:
The Michigan flag, waving proudly in a crisp autumn breeze:
This element reminds of the glory that was, is and always will be Michigan football.
- Demar Dorsey: Demar was the highest rated Big Ten recruit in the class of 2010 (according to ESPN), but was denied admission by the UM. His story is long and alternatingly heart-warming and -breaking. The MGoCommunity writhed as it seemed the administration was out to get Rodriguez, then we learned that Dorsey never completed his admissions requirements. He committed to play for Louisville but has been conspicuously absent from their team. He will likely play for a Ju-Co this year.
- Michigan Secondary-Hating God: Likely a hold-over from days of yore, this deity uses his powers for evil: dismantling Michigan's secondary at any and every opportunity.
- Troy Woolfolk (Artist's rendition): This image (by MGoBoard's very own The Shredder), depicts Troy's epic demise at the hands of the MSHG (see #3 above). The resulting dislocated ankle and broken fibula have likely ended Troy's senior season before it began; a medical redshirt is expected.
- Donovan Warren: All-Big 10 corner who skipped his senior season to enter the NFL draft upon reports he would be a third-round pick or better (and likely loss of interest in Michigan). He went undrafted and was signed as a free-agent by the New York Jets.
- The Wolverine: Our beloved avatar, a member of the Michigan family and legendary nickname. He sheds a single tear as he surveys the wasteland that is this 18 month famine for his beloved secondary.
- Justin Turner: A blue-chip corner recruit and redshirt freshman who just transferred to West Virginia. He missed most of fall camp waiting for the results of his Ohio high school graduation test. He spent his brief career at safety weight (likely not Good, Barwis weight) and had conditioning and motivation issues. Seemed like a tremendous loss, but was unlikely to be in good enough playing condition for at least the begining of this season.
- T-Wolf (Artist's rendition): The alter-ego of Troy Woolfolk. T-Wolf has never been captured in photographic form, so Michael J. Fox's iconic (and nearly as fierce) Teen Wolf stands in. However, Teen Wolf's facial expression accurately represents the pain* that T-Wolf feels. (* This pain is spiritual as T-Wolf can feel no physical pain)
- Boubacar Cissoko: Diminutive but well-rated cornerback who was dismissed after a troubled and brief Michigan career. This decline was extrapolated into real-life, where Boo Boo ended up robbing some delivery and cab folk and was recently sentenced to prison for a short-to-long period of time. It appears that the lime light was too much for this young, introverted immigrant.
- Adrian Witty: Three-star-ish corner recruit seemingly pursued to lock up Denard Robinson, but rumored to be highly desired by the Rodriguez regime. He was denied admissions after his test scores jumped too much too quickly. It seemed as though he might enroll in January instead, but admissions closed the door for good allowing Witty to enroll at Cincinnati (upon Rodriguez emphatic recommendation.) He is a projected starter as a freshman this fall.
- Never Forget: This phrase represents our undying devotion to these fallen heros, and leads to much lamentation amongst fans. However, by putting this entire situation in proper view, we can move on and begin to heal. Never forget these men of fall (fail), but never fail to embrace those brave warriors who are still with us. "Let the dead bury their dead." For the rest of us, let us rise from the ashes, just like the remaining Michigan secondary and focus on the triumph that can be ours.
If we thought the Big Ten speculation was crazy, all we had to do was wait until the Big12 conference meetings. Suddenly the whole world is the Chicago Sun Times with the Pac-10/Big12 sniping or merging conversation. While I am sure everyone at Baylor and Iowa State and Kansas is freaking out, I think the most internal pressure today has to be on Jack Swarbrick and John Jenkins, the AD and President of Notre Dame, respectively. I think Swarbrick's public comments about the Big Ten-fueled expansion landscape were really a test of constituent reaction, just like the 96-team March Madness leak. Deep down, I think both men know that they will have to make a move if the entire landscape of college football changes. However, they also now know that all of ND Nation would excommunicate them if they pulled the trigger. As Delaney quashed fire after fire from media speculators, the ND brain trusts seats got cooler and cooler. We all thought that the Big Ten's deliberate approach would allow things to play out more slowly. This would allow the landscape to change in front of the nation and if ND joined a conference in the aftermath, their fan base would have already seen the writing on the wall. Suddenly all hell is breaking loose at break neck speed and the landscape may be completely different before Touchdown Jesus can turn the independent water into conference wine.
If I were Delaney, I would call Swarbrick today, just to see how he is doing.
Then again, this could be another case of MSM running with unnamed sources and everything could be back to normal by Wednesday. Weren't we supposed to see USC's sanctions today? Oh that's right. ESPN's "sources familiar with the situation" were wrong.